How can you explain something to someone about how you feel , when you don’t even really know yourself? Explain the most surreal and heartbreaking situation you have ever gone through, that you’d never ever thought in a month of Sundays would happen. I mean one of those scenarios where you know it can happen, but never thought it would happen to you?
The worst moment of my entire life happened… all before i’m 30 , and if I babble, then i apologize , rambling just tends to happen when i try and make sense of something. Ive been contemplating writing something here all week, in fact, since the day after i left the hospital.
This time last week i was sat in a hospital bed , confused, upset and angry after the most awful 24 hours of my life. Within 1 solitary day, I find out that i’m Pregnant … believe me I had no idea… not one symptom , in fact i thought i was on my period , not only that i was on the pill. Then, found out the pregnancy is ectopic and have to undergo emergency surgery to remove the poor little mite.
The day started like any other. Get up and go to work. Things did feel abit off that morning, but put that down to my period. Get to work, and within half an hour I am in the most excruciating agony i have ever felt in my life. I thought at the start i was just really bad period pains, but for the pill i was on , it was getting abit strange and the pain wasn’t going , which after painkillers they normally would.
I asked to go home. I was going to make a doctors appointment when i got home, but on the way something told me to go straight to A&E. Half way i even contemplated calling an ambulance the pain was getting that bad, driving was becoming more difficult. After finally being see by the doctors, and providing them a wee sample, they tell me two words that I never actually thought i would hear any time soon… YOU’RE PREGNANT! All of a sudden i have that many emotions flying through my brain it is unbelievable. Two words i have always wanted to hear, but ironically not at that present moment in time. Ive always wanted to be a mummy ever since i was little, and still do, i’ve found the right man, but we’ve only been together 2 months, we weren’t ready for that, i was scared!
The A&E doctor wasn’t fully convinced as i was on the pill and on my ‘period’, so, to confirm we did blood tests. He did mention the it could be an ectopic pregnancy,if results came back possitive, but as he wasn’t convinced it could have also been renal colic, hence my pain. following was an agonizing 2hours waiting for results.
It was clear as day …PREGNANT.
I was taken up to the ward which would be my home for the next few days. The staff were so lovely, and so caring , it made it that tiny smidge easier. The ultra sound was the most bizzare experience, seeing your little beans ‘home’ … empty … to then see them stuck, with no way of getting home, the only way to resolve that would be to have them removed… possibly with the tube. There they were stuck on my left hand side, with no way to make it better.
For hours sat in that bed overwhelmed, just needing cuddles from my man, but not being able to have them,
I had never felt so alone. Well strictly speaking i wasn’t, but i still hadn’t got round the fact, that i had a child growing inside of me! If i had done what i normally did if i had any slight thought that i was pregnant, maybe i could have prevented it? could it, in enough time been possible to prevent loosing my our baby and save my left tube? I will always think… if only i did that pregnancy test when i thought about it weeks ago, would things be different?
The ladies on the ward said it was normal for me to be nervous or scared about surgery… but the truth is was wasn’t scared one bit, being told i could be dead now if i had left it any longer, kind of made that fear irreverent, i was more upset about the reason why i was having surgery. As far as i was concerned, at the very moment was, what could be worse? The fact that i was been put to sleep or the fact that i knew that I was going to have to do something that i’ve always been against, terminating our child. The worse thing was , how the hell was i going to tell my partner? ‘I’m really sorry baby , but i’m pregnant, but i wont be in 12 hours time?’. I mean it didn’t even feel real. I literally felt like i was in a nightmare.
He knew i was in hospital, but not strictly what i was in for , i had told him (because it was mentioned in the scan) that its exploratory, it could be a ruptured csyst .
The next few days were like a blur of pain, anxiety and disbelief. I told him what had happened and what it was, he was so sweet and loving, but he couldn’t help but feel partly to blame. I had assured him it wasn’t remotely his fault, at all! He was more upset that he couldn’t be with me, and look after me, as at the end of the day, he was gutted, but there was nothing we could do about it. He was there when i needed him , all be it on the phone. I seriously could not ask for a better partner, he has been my rock , my heart and soul through all of this.
Leaving the hospital was a mixed bag of emotions. Glad to be leaving , but it would be back to reality. As i waited for my mum to return to the car, i sat there and burst into tears. I’d had 12 hours of knowing about my baby, and now i was leaving without it inside of me. All i have left as a reminder is 4 scars and my head all over the place.
Still , now a week later, it still doesn’t seem real! Will it ever? I have all these fears that i never had before. I know i can get pregnant now ( which before was a worry) , but now when i get pregnant again, will it happen again? I only have one tube left! How will it affect me getting pregnant? will periods hurt more now? will i ever be the same?
There will evidently will come a time where i wont talk to me closest about this anymore, because they worry i will dwell on it, and put myself through ‘unnecessary’ anguish! But at the end of the day its a really rubbish thing that’s happened and I will never get over it , because i lost our child because i couldn’t carry them .
Im still in disbelief and still cry when i think about it , and on top of all that you feel useless because you’re not allowed to do anything while you recover. Luckily the pain has subsided a lot and i can do a bit more, but the idleness is driving me insane. I know it will take plenty of time to fully recover , not just physically , but mentally, but will it get easier???