Hi,
I just wanted to share my story. I had an ectopic pregnancy when I was 29. I am now 36. I still really struggle with what happened and I wonder if that’s normal after so long.
For me, I feel pregnant ‘accidentally’. I carry a lot of guilt. At the time, my partner had asked time to use the pill and I felt so against the idea but was too ashamed to admit that - I didn’t want to upset him. I guess, I had been a bit ‘stupid’ assuming that I’d not get pregnant having been ok for so long. I feel immensely ashamed. Not only do I feel like an idiot for being so illogical about contraception, but I feel guilty. Guilty for causing it all. Guilty that had I not been so blazey and ashamed to voice my needs, it’d never have happened. I feel guilty that I misled my partner.
Then it afterwards, the days went past and ignored that part of me who said a pregnancy test to check and do something before I end up pregnant. But, I don’t know, I didn’t and the concequenes are hard to bare; the ectopic pregnancy shattered my very sense of safety. It all happened and he was away for work.
I remember being whizzed to a and e and the nurse said, ‘oh my god’, ‘shit’. I only later learned it’d burst . Then within the space of a few minutes I signed a form declaring 'tissue disposal, read out my terms and then I woke up. I felt utter bereavement. I don’t quite understand why. The doctor came in amd as I sobbed, I asked ‘was it alive/did it hurt?’ He said, ‘I had a pulse’. To this day those words changed how I saw it all. T suddenly became human. The logical part of me says it was just a cell at 7 weeks.
I feel quite lost with it all. I ran away into depression to sort of cope with it all, telling myself I was fine.
But I still feel that heartbreak, everytime I see a child I cry. I think about what could it have been like? Did I cause allow this through poor choices. I feel like I caused it all. That it suffered. I feel lost with what happened. How can it still hurt so much? Was it all my fault through poor choices? Why do I wonder, ‘what might it have been’.
How do you let go. I feel that I lost a part of myself and I very much did physically (fallopian tube).
I feel so scared that I only have one tube amd if O try again, maybe I will lose the last part of what it means to be female.