Guilt after ectopic

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1

Hello everyone

I am 37 with two healthy children from a previous marriage (16 and 8). My partner and I have been together three years and he has no children. For about a year we have been discussing having a baby together- an idea that took me a long time to come around to. I had my coil removed in June and we started trying after my first period. To my surprise we fell pregnant straight away. I had some difficult feelings about it but overall was pleased that it was happening and that there wasn’t a long and drawn out wait. I had normal pregnancy symptoms and had no idea that anything was wrong. We went for a private scan at 7 1/2 weeks which revealed that the pregnancy was ectopic and we were sent to A&E straight away. The doctors at the hospital confirmed the ectopic and that my tube had begun to rupture (although I still had no symptoms). I was taken down to theatre and by 11pm my tube along with my embryo had been removed.

I think I am still in shock and I’ve cried a lot. When I was pregnant, I had a lot of bitter feelings and was complaining a lot to my friends that I was “having to start over”. Although I think it was mainly because I really didn’t ever think I would have any more children. I absolutely love being a mum and have the best relationship and family set up with my children and had feelings that a new baby would “change” everything and (horribly) “ruin” our happy family life. Now I’ve lost the baby, I can’t stop crying- thinking that it was my negativity that caused it. I feel like I’m desperate to be pregnant again to “right the wrongs” I did for the baby I will never meet. I feel so so guilty and that I’m to blame for what happened to me. I also feel that I don’t have a right to ask for support because so many other stories of baby loss are from mums who desperately wanted to be pregnant and I feel like I don’t fit into that category.

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Hi Mylittlesoybean,

I’m so sorry to hear about your ectopic pregnancy and loss. Experiencing an ectopic pregnancy is both a physical and emotional trauma. I want you to know that there is nothing you did to cause the ectopic pregnancy, nor, sadly, anything we can do to prevent them. The boards here are filled with women and men who are, sadly, bound by these experiences. These are safe spaces for you to share your thoughts, ask questions, and vent. They are also filled with positive stories which can help heal the pain and move you forward.

It’s very normal to experience a range of thoughts and emotions following an ectopic pregnancy. You have been through a lot, and there’s no need to downplay what your body and mind has been through. I wish I could say there was a standard pathway for dealing with the emotions, but each person is so unique. It may sound simple, but I found journalling a good way to put my thoughts on paper and my husband to do the same so we could process them individually and share them with one another. Each of our experiences is unique, even if it is shared.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can help the healing process. We are more than happy to talk with you by email or telephone and answer any questions you may have or listen to your experience. In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help, and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling. The charity, Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/.

We are here for you, for emotional support, too, and these Boards are a safe space for you. We are here for as long as you need.

With good wishes,

Michele

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards

If the information provided here or through the EPT website has helped you, you can donate towards our support services, volunteer, or fundraise to raise awareness.

Further information is available on our website.

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

3

Thank you for your kind words. I can’t help thinking that it’s karma or some sort of divine intervention that caused this to happen. We will try again but with one tube left I’m so frightened it will happen again and that I will never be able to give my partner a baby. He is so wonderful and would be such a good dad. I’m worried if I don’t get pregnant our relationship will break down because of the strain and I’ve waited my whole life to meet someone like him.

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Dearmylittlesoybean,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy loss,

It is normal to feel anxious about the future. We experience a mix of emotions from wanting to try again to being petrified of what may lie ahead. We never forget our experience or babies, but we can learn to accept what happened. It is a slow process that might be weeks or months ahead. In time, we can get to a place where we feel comfortable trying again. When this is, is individual for each person. There is no timeframe for recovery, take each day as it comes. Importantly you will have an early pregnancy scan. As soon as you know you are pregnant, contact your local EPU to inform them and book in for an early scan at around six weeks. Remind them of your previous ectopic pregnancy. This self refer route is the best route in our view. Hopefully you will have some comfort to know you are under the radar of medical professionals right away.

Generally, when a person has only one fallopian tube and both ovaries, they are still able to get pregnant from an egg at the opposite ovary as an egg from one ovary can travel down the tube on the other side. The fallopian tubes are not attached to the ovaries and, at the point of ovulation, some very delicate structures called the fimbriae begin to move gently creating a slight vacuum to suck the egg toward the end of the tube it is nearest to (like lots of little fingers waving and drawing the egg towards it). So, if you have only one tube then there is only one set of receptors working and one set of fimbriae creating a vacuum and so the egg is much more likely to find its way to that tube, whichever ovary it is produced from. Conservative estimates suggest that an egg produced on the tubeless side manages to descend the remaining tube around 15 to 20% of the time.

While generally it is possible to conceive after an ectopic pregnancy, the amount of time it takes varies from couple to couple. Factors include age, general health, reproductive health and how often you have sex, among other things. It may be comforting to know that 65% of women are successfully pregnant within 18 months of experiencing an ectopic pregnancy and some studies suggest this rises to around 85% after two years.

Importantly, help is available if conceiving naturally has not yet been successful after some time trying - and the EPT advises that women under 35 should seek medical advice following 12 months trying to conceive and those over 35 should seek advice after 6 months.

Making the decision to begin trying to conceive is an emotional rollercoaster compounded by our sad loss. Again, you are not alone. We here emotional support whenever you need us. There is a specific Preparing for your Next Pregnancy board you can look at too whenever feel ready.

Sending much love,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

The EPT is awarded the PIF TICK as a Trusted Information Creator, the UK-wide quality mark for healthcare information

If the information provided here or through the EPT website has helped you, you can donate towards our support services, volunteer, or fundraise to raise awareness.

Further information is available on our website.

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back support line: 020 7733 2653. We are able to provide support in multiple languages including British Sign Language.

Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list.

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

5

Thank you so much.

I just hate the not knowing. I have only ever had healthy pregnancies and this has totally knocked me. I know there’s nothing I can do and what will be will be, it just feels like I’ve lost control of my life and choices for my future and I’m becoming obsessive over stories and statistics.

6

Dear Mylittlesoybean,

Your post will resonate with so many people. I think lots of us feel this way after an ectopic pregnancy. Not knowing what is going on with our bodies can be very overwhelming and you have friends here who understand.

Experiencing an ectopic pregnancy can be a traumatic event. We have to deal with the diagnosis and treatment, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense. It can take up to three months to even begin to process traumatic events so please be patient and kind to yourself and allow time to grieve and heal both physically and emotionally.

We will be here for you for as long as you need,

Sending much love,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

The EPT is awarded the PIF TICK as a Trusted Information Creator, the UK-wide quality mark for healthcare information

If the information provided here or through the EPT website has helped you, you can donate towards our support services, volunteer, or fundraise to raise awareness.

Further information is available on our website.

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back support line: 020 7733 2653. We are able to provide support in multiple languages including British Sign Language.

Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list.

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team