I’ve never posted on here before but am about four weeks post finding out my pregnancy was ectopic. Weirdly it wasn’t a massive shock as I just felt something was wrong. I was really lucky that mine was dealt with by expectant management and didn’t have to experience the horrors of other couples i’ve read about.
Yet now a few weeks on i’m getting strong feelings of anger and then I feel guilty for even feeling angry as I am lucky enough to have an amazing daughter already and my tube didn’t burst or anything horrible like that.
I no longer have to see the doctor and I suppose just feel forgotten about. I feel very sad about the loss and feel that I must just get on with life. I feel like I can’t tell people as it’s seen as it wasn’t a proper pregnancy and it’s a taboo subject. I am also fed up with be classic well meaning sentiments that it just wasn’t meant to be or nature has a way of getting rid of things that just aren’t right. It was my baby, my baby just decided not to settlement in my uterus!!!
I’m very nervous to try again although I know logically it is unlikely to happen again. One minute I just want to try again and the next I feel the fear and don’t want to do it.
Thank you everyone who writes posts on this website as reading peoples thoughts and feelings really does make me feel less alone.
You could see if there is any free support or counselling so you have a chance to talk about your feelings. In my city there is a charity called pregnancy crisis care that I went to after my medical termination.
Interesting you thought you knew something was wrong. I went to look at maternity jeans a few days b4 and just couldn’t buy any.
I don’t think it’s taboo is it? Everyone I have told just doesn’t know what it is!
I’m petrified of trying again. Can t until Dec anyway. But just been asked to be bridesmaid in summer so gunna use that as an excuse. Me and my hubby are so desperate for a baby though I dunno how I’ll explain it to him. He doesn’t like talking about it and just says. It’s life
It’s very normal to experience a range of thoughts and emotions following an ectopic pregnancy. You have been through a lot, and there’s no need to downplay what your body and mind has been through. I’m glad that you’ve found comfort in these boards, filled with people who have experienced what you have.
I wish I could say there was a standard pathway for dealing with the emotions, but each person is so unique. These boards can help, but also resources such as the charity, Mind, may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis (you pay what you can afford) or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/
Please know, you are not alone, and these boards are a safe space for you to visit and share as you need.
With good wishes,
Michele
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?
Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.
I think there are a lot of feelings of anger and guilt with grief, regardless of whether or not they are “rational.” (Not to say you are not rational, just that it is absolutely not your fault!) I am so sorry you are feeling sad and I understand feeling alone—that is why I found this forum today.
I was told by a doctor that following an ectopic pregnancy you can have imaging done to check the viability of your fallopian tubes so maybe that could help you feel better about future pregnancies.
I hope you are able to find peace and comfort. Please know you are not alone, and it is okay to feel sad about your loss. This is your journey so forget anyone else’s opinions—including mine if you’re so inclined.
I’m so sorry you have been through this but I also read your post and wanted to let you know how it felt so amazing to read. I had emergency surgery to remove my left tube in June and have felt waves of overwhelming anger about it since. I have felt really wrong for feeling like that - that I should be sad or weepy rather than angry and frustrated - it is so reassuring to know i am not alone.
In a nutshell, from day one I knew there was something wrong and quite quickly had that confirmed by doctors - so it never felt like a “normal” or happy pregnancy to me. Once diagnosed, I was encouraged to watch and wait for it to miscarry. I found carrying a growing embryo and experiencing all the associated symptoms of pregnancy, but every day hoping I’d miscarry, a pretty horrific (and physically painful) experience. Added to this was the fear of knowing that if it didn’t miscarry but instead grew, it could rupture which can be life threatening.
I ended up in this phase for just over a week before I collapsed on a tube station platform and had to have the emergency surgery anyway, removing my left Fallopian tube. After, I received a lot of sympathy from friends/family at the loss of a baby but this actually didn’t relate to how I felt. Instead I mourned the loss of a body part – which seemed almost irrelevant/a minor detail to others. It really left me feeling incomplete and as if a piece of me had been hacked away in the name of baby-making.
In the days after (and at times still now), I felt overwhelmingly angry and sad that the many discussions I had previously had with friends/mum/sisters about the decision to try for a baby, had never included thoughts about a couple’s decision to put the woman’s life at risk. We talk about whether it’s the right time, can afford to have a child, want to give up work and so on – but I have never heard anyone say – “We’re just deciding if we’re ready to put my life at risk”, or “It’s hard because I would really like a family but I also really value you my own health”. I’d never considered that in making that call to procreate, together you are sending the woman to war, unarmed against friendly fire.
I totally realise that your anger may have felt very different to mine and that your experience was different - but reading your post has
helped me feel valued and less like a faulty baby-making machine. Thank you.
