Hi, I’m a 29 year old woman and have just experienced an ectopic pregnancy on the 15th of jan 2021. I thought I was okay and was dealing well with things and was a bit on a high going 100 miles a minute and excited for starting my new job. I had a breakdown today and feeling a terrible sense of guilt and jealousy towards other woman who are having healthy pregnancies or have had a healthy baby and I can’t help but want that too. I guess I’m just looking for some advice and guidance as to what made your experience better and how you learned to cope with things and grieve. Many thanks 
Dear Hayley,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,
When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal. My advice would be not to rush through your feelings, If you are having a day where you feel you need a cry, let it happen. I know it is a cliche but it’s time that’s needed and there is no timeframe for recovery. Take each day as it comes.
We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families, or seeing lots of babies on TV and social media. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It’s what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need.
Sending much and warm hugs,
Karen x
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Hayley,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss! While I was reading your story, I had to sign up and reply as you and I have the same story. I have been struggling this week and feeling alone as I feel people can’t relate. I don’t know anyone else who has had an ectopic pregnancy (good for them, I don’t wish that on anyone) but I am now dealing with emotions of anger and frustration. I just turned 30 on January 19th and on January 28th I was in the ER with my ectopic pregnancy, which we previously thought was healthy. We found out it was ectopic at our 9-week ultrasound appointment. My husband has been in remission from cancer 2 years this January so this baby was our little miracle!
I keep getting angry about a statistic I read that ectopic pregnancies only occur in 1 % of total pregnancies. I always wanted to be part of the “1%” but I never wanted to be a part of this 1%.
I immediately went back to work and suddenly emotion hit me this week. I thought work would be a welcomed distraction, but I find myself getting angry at the smallest things because truly, I don’t feel like whether a digital banner gets approved on time truly impacts or changes the world. It all seems less important now and I am struggling, angry, and jealous of one of my closest friends who got pregnant at the same time as me. I have to see her tomorrow and I am so worried I will bust out in tears. I was able to join a virtual group therapy but I live in South Carolina. I can see if they allow people to join from outside the US! It was nice to hear people tell me that I have a right to be upset and that it is normal. None of them have had ectopic but have experience prenatal infant loss.
Thank you for sharing your story, It made me feel less alone in this awful healing process. I am so sorry, to my core, that you are having to go through this.
Allison
I’m in a similar situation and I wish I could offer any advice but hopefully knowing you aren’t the only one feeling the same might help. I found out I was pregnant in June last year and my friend at work told me she was pregnant the same day. We were excited about being on maternity leave together and were comparing symptoms and dates. I started getting weird pain in my left shoulder that weekend and cramps on my right hand side. I wasn’t sure if cramps in early pregnancy were normal or not so I spent all weekend on Google and noticed the shoulder tip pain could be sign of an ectopic. As soon as I read that I just knew that was it. A few days later I spoke to my GP who referred me straight to the GATU ward at the hospital. They couldn’t find anything on the scan so I had an internal examination and they told me the pregnancy was in my right tube and nothing could be done. Over the next 2 weeks I had methotrexate which didn’t work and eventually emergency surgery to remove my right tube. They also found I had endometriosis.
Since then I’ve been getting back to normal life but I am really struggling being around pregnant people, especially my friend at work. She has just finished for maternity leave yesterday and I’ve just felt so sad all week. I can’t help thinking I should be doing the same, I should be counting down the days and I haven’t been able to bring myself to really talk to her about her pregnancy. I feel awful but I just can’t bring myself to bring it up. It feels fake. It’s also difficult as we have been trying since September to get pregnant again and every month my period comes feels likes torture. My cycle isn’t back to normal so every time I get up to day 37 and my app says it’s time to take a test I just know it will be negative and I’ve stopped bothering. I really hope things get better once my intended due date passes, which also just happens to be my birthday, and I can stop comparing where I would hopefully be.
I think these things just take time and don’t force yourself to do anything that you don’t want to do. Take things at your own pace and try not to feel guilty for how you feel.
Hi Hayley,
I’m so sorry to hear about your ectopic pregnancy. I too had one last Friday but I’ve really struggled the last couple of days. I’ve wanted a baby for so long now, I’m 38 and last year we had two miscarriages as well. I’m scared I’m never going to be a mum but I’m not sure my anxiety can take being pregnant again.
It’s such a complex experience and I’m sure all those emotions you are feeling are totally normally. I have hundreds of them swilling around in my head too.
I think we just have to take our time. I’ve been doing a cross stitch project since lockdown and it has helped although it’s all I want to do and I’m scared of finishing it now.
Take care
Lucy