Grief and relationships after ectopic

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1

Hi everyone,

I am 32, had my first pregnancy which turned out to be ectopic a couple of months ago. I have to admit I am struggling with everyday, called the Trust before but all I could say was cry so I hang up. The Trust called me back the next day but I was too embarrassed to speak so I hang up again.

To describe my story, I started to feel left side low abdominal pain and bleed which prompted me to take pregnancy test which was positive. I was both ecstatic and terrified, I really wanted a child but was scared something was wrong. We went to 3 hospitals (1 referred us to another and so on). My symptoms were clear, nevertheless doctors failed to give me a scan for almost 2 weeks and I ended up with an emergency surgery saving my life. I have thought about it a lot, considered the ethic side of it and finally decided to sue NHS for negligence. If they haven’t failed to give me a scan, bleeding and in pain, I would have saved my fallopian tube and wouldn’t need to go through the surgery and recovery. I know they couldn’t have saved my baby, but I really could have died and it scares me a lot.

I find it difficult to come to terms about the loss of the baby I really wanted which is topped up with my partner’s reactions which were supportive in a way but on the other hand he insisted on me taking contraceptive pills now even though I didn’t want to. It makes me think he never wanted this baby which is against what he used to say. He even moved out now to his parents refusing to pay rent and bills and I am here on my own with my grief and responsibilities with ‘every day world’, trying to deliver working full time. I came to UK few years ago for career purposes, I have no family here. I try to fight this with keeping myself busy, I am currently studying for a professional exam due later this month, I’ve attended a number of zoom events about baby loss awareness this week to keep my head around it, hoping it will release some of my grief but I tend to just sit there, listen and cry.

Nevertheless, I would really like to thank you all for sharing your stories, reading them makes me feel like I am not alone.

M.

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It’s horrible to see my story does not resonate with anyone, I feel so alone!

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Dear imoen,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss.

You have been through a huge amount in such a short space of time and it is very normal to feel overwhelmed. From your words, I can imagine how frightening the experience must have been and I am sorry you have had to go though this.

Your partner moving out and you loosing your support network will be compounding your emotions of feeling alone and it is vitally important that you get the help and support you deserve.

Please don’t feel embarrassed that you cried on the telephone to a member of the team. Most of us who volunteer and work for the Trust do so because we have experienced ectopic pregnancy ourselves. We truly understand how you feel. You have friends here and we are here to support you.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. The helpline service is still available to you and we would truly welcome a call from you and a chance to support you. There’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam.

If you do not feel ready to talk to someone just yet we can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling.

We have information on our website about finding counselling services and we have more information here: http://www.ectopic.org.uk/patients/emotional-impact/

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and we will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need.

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards

During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

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I experienced exactly what you did and didn’t even know I was pregnant at the time. I had horrific pains that I didn’t know what it was and kept being turned away by the DRs and A&E, but I knew instinctively something was wrong. I’d never been pregnant before, so I had no idea to check as I’d had what I thought was a period, which is why Drs didn’t check either (it was actually darkened blood) it didn’t even resemble a normal period. I went into A&E a further time to basically be sent away when in the evening I awoke in horrific pain and was vomiting from the extreme pain, I was so terrified I didn’t know what it was or what was happening to me. I just knew I needed to try and stand and get myself to hospital. I couldn’t really breathe either. The nurses spent the whole evening doing tests, trying to figure out what was wrong, all the while unknowingly I was bleeding internally from a ruptured ectopic. The last thing they tested around 4am was for pregnancy which came back positive, they actually congratulated me! I’d never been pregnant but even I knew it wasn’t normal to feel extreme pain like this. After doing scans in the morning, I was rushed into theatre and had to have a blood transfusion as lost over 4 pints of blood and nearly died. My family also wanted me to sue too, but for me I just wanted to move on from it to try and heal. I went on to have another ectopic 3 months later, but caught it in time as was carefully monitored this time. I then went onto to have IVF and became pregnant, but it ended in a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks. My next cycle failed, but I’m sat here writing this 6.5 weeks pregnant after my third IVF cycle about to have my viability scan next week. I’m cautious but hopeful. I just wanted to share my story with you and let you know I’m here if you want to talk further as this forum helped me so much when I was going through my ectopic pregnancies, and I know how important it is to have someone listen, share and understand when you’re struggling. Sending you lots of support, hugs, compassion and understanding xx

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I’m so sorry for your loss. I had to have emergency surgery to remove my tube with my baby inside many years ago. Even with a supportive partner, I felt alone in my grief. There are no words that I can say to make everything ok, but please know that you are not alone. You will make it through this. :heart: