only place to say how i feel!!

Living Life Without Children
1

Hi guys,

Haven’t been on site for ages, spent the last few months getting my head around the fact that I’m never going to have children. Have had 2 ep, one after a round of ivf, lost both tubes and now being told that only route is another ivf round. But my husband and i are tired of it all and after 5 long and hard years have decided not to try again. It has been a difficult decision to make, we even got professional help when making it and are dealing with this decision on a daily bases.

I do still have fears, the usual ones, ending up alone, no one in old age, the fears that all of us in this situtation have :frowning: . there is no-one in my life who is going through the same thing and this can be very lonely (tg for this palce), at the moment i have 5 friends who are all expecting in the next few months. They know my circumstances and cannot understand why we don’t keep doing ivf again and again until it works, easy for them to say considering that none of them have been through it :x .

I guess I just need to feel that there are others in the same boat as me and that it is very possible to have a fulfilled and happy life without children. That your life isn’t going to be one filled with regrets and what if’s! It’s just sometimes the fear of it all can be hard; a neighbour died a few weeks back, he and his wife had no children, i was sitting beside my mother at the funeral when she said to me (not thinking) " how sad is that sight, there she is all alone, no children or grandchildren to say the readings or hold her hand or tell little stories". To say it cut me to the core is an understatement. But as my husband reminded me children don’t provide certainties.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest, as I cannot say it to those around me.

xmas

2

Apart from that I don’t have a husband (or even a partner at the moment), you’ve echoed my feelings perfectly. I’m absolutely petrified of being on my own when I get older. I bet people say to you it’s ok, you’ve got a husband, you’ve got friends, etc. but it’s not the same is it? I get all the time that I’ll be fine, I’ve got great friends and a great family. That doesn’t substitute for a child (and, in my case I’m scared I’ll also be partnerless in my old age). Even my pregnancy loss counsellor tells me I’m lucky that I’ve got my career. Well, I don’t want a career. I’ve never been a willing career woman – circumstances have turned me into one. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mum. I’ve had 8 m/cs and an ep, and I’m now 43 with one tube down. There’s so little chance of me ever having a baby now. And I’m getting to feel like you. I don’t know whether I could put myself through it again, even if I was in a relationship. My heart couldn’t bear it. While my m/cs were heartbreaking, my ep nearly killed me – literally, as well as emotionally. I’d probably need IVF now and I really don’t think I could go through that either.

You’re right. It is a really lonely place to be. Sometimes I take out all my old photos and think how sad it is that I’ll never have anyone to show them to. I love looking at my mum’s old photos. Who’s going to look at mine? My parents are in the middle of clearing their loft of all my childhood toys, books, etc. They say there’s no point in keeping them because my niece has grown out of them. That kills me. They should be passed down to my children.

I spend a lot of time wondering how I ended up like this. All my friends, cousins, etc. have managed to get married and to have children, apart from the few who have decided not to have children. It feels really unfair. I’m intelligent, funny, kind and good looking (sorry – that sounds vain) so why not me?

Soon, I’m going to have to think long and hard about how I can feel fulfilled with a life without children. I can’t go on feeling like this for the rest of my life. My best friend decided not to have children and now she and her husband spend their life on holidays, buying new cars and just having a lovely time. She’s completely fulfilled without children but it’s different as it was her choice. She doesn’t understand why I feel like my life isn’t complete. I know that I’ve got to find something that fulfils me. Maybe I’ll just decide to grow old disgracefully and end up being glad I’ve got no ties.

This hasn’t answered your question at all – I really don’t have answers but I’m sure someone will be more helpful and tell you what keeps them going without children. There must be ways – there are so many other women in our situation and I can’t imagine for one minute that they’re all unhappy. I just wanted you to know that there is someone out there who really understands how you feel.

3

Xmas

I’m sorry that your mother made the comment to you. Little things like that, that come completely out of the blue, can really hurt. I know. The whole getting old thing is, I think, maybe one of those issues where we imagine the worst and it never works out as bad as we think. In fact, I was going to post about this a while ago, so you’ve given me the opportunity to say what I was thinking then. And that is, I don’t think our old age will be as bad as we imagine, or as other people (like our mums) might imagine. There are dozens of studies that show at people without children are just as happy (or in fact happier) than those with children. And I read another study which shows that being without children does not lead to loneliness in old age. The thing is, we won’t be relying on our children to keep us company in our old age. We will have our own support groups established - friends and neighbours in a range of different age groups. Google childlessness loneliness in old age and you should find the study.

The second thing I want to say is that you’re still relatively new to this whole process, and that it all takes time. I know that’s a cliche, and you will have heard it before. But I’m now seven years on from my journey - in fact, this time in 2003 I was waiting to try my second and last ivf cycle. How I felt then and how I feel now, are worlds apart. Yes, I still have hard times. But how much those are just part of normal life, and how much they are due to my “no kids” status, I don’t know. But for the most part I am very comfortable with my life. I don’t feel guilty for enjoying my no kids life. I don’t like calling myself childless because that defines me by my status as a mother (or not) and I’m more than that, in the same way that my friends with kids don’t like being defined only as mothers.

You’ll get there. You both will. Just enjoy the good days and know the bad days will pass. They do. And then you can enjoy the good things about a no kids life - I’m off on the weekend for a lovely indulgent holiday on the beach that I could never go to if we had kids. And I’m going to enjoy it!!!

Best wishes

Linda

4

Hey guys,

Thanks so much bluetopaz(cool name) and Linda, you’ve no idea how reading your posts helped me! :smiley: . It’s nice to know that others feel the same way and that this fear like the others will pass in time. Instead of looking at all the friends who have children and comparing myself and lifestyles to theirs I’m going to do something different and look at all the women i know who don’t have children and see how happy and fulfilled their lives are. I really do feel like so often we are made to feel like we got it “wrong” by those around us. As you said bluetopaz you see others around you as having the partner and the kids and wonder why not you? I guess it just annoys me that we are either classified as being mothers or not which as you said Linda is unfair to us as women, my husband is never pigeon-holed the same way.

So thanks guys, nice to know that this place is here and that i’m not alone

xmas

5

Hi all, im new to this, me and my husband after years conceived naturally, only to be diagnosed with an eptopic, i lost my right tube and its been 3 months. I still feel the pain and cant bear being around people with babies… Am i the only one feeling this?

Everyone around me has had a baby and im the only one who hasnt, no one seems to understand. Im going round in circles every day, feelin hurt upset angry

6

Dear Anisa,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,

When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.

We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It’s what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need

I found that whilst friends and family were well-meaning they didn’t truly understand how I felt and I too reached out to the Trust. Here I received support and information from those who truly understood how I felt.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling.

We have information on our website about finding counselling services.

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

There is no time frame for how long it takes us to heal emotionally and it is completely normal to feel anxious about the future. We will never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn’t our fault.

Can I also add that the Main Board forum is the most active and if you post on that board you may receive more support from ladies who understand how you feel.

Sending much love,

Karen x

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?

Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk

Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.

Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.

7

Thanks Karen

8

I feel very lonely and its very bad.

This Situation is my [link removed per trust policy] always my heart.

9

xmas:
Hi guys,

Haven’t been on site for ages, spent the last few months getting my head around the fact that I’m never going to have children. Have had 2 ep, one after a round of ivf, lost both tubes and now being told that only route is another ivf round. But my husband and i are tired of it all and after 5 long and hard years have decided not to try again. It has been a difficult decision to make, we even got professional help when making it and are dealing with this decision on a daily bases.

I do still have fears, the usual ones, ending up alone, no one in old age, the fears that all of us in this situtation have :frowning: . there is no-one in my life who is going through the same thing and this can be very lonely (tg for this palce), at the moment i have 5 friends who are all expecting in the next few months. They know my circumstances and cannot understand why we don’t keep doing ivf again and again until it works, easy for them to say considering that none of them have been through it :x .

I guess I just need to feel that there are others in the same boat as me and that it is very possible to have a fulfilled and happy life without children. That your life isn’t going to be one filled with regrets and what if’s! It’s just sometimes the fear of it all can be hard; a neighbour died a few weeks back, he and his wife had no children, i was sitting beside my mother at the funeral when she said to me (not thinking) " how sad is that sight, there she is all alone, no children or grandchildren to say the readings or hold her hand or tell little stories". To say it cut me to the core is an understatement. But as my husband reminded me children don’t provide certainties.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest, as I cannot say it to those around me.

xmas

Thanks to you! For sharing everything on your mind, heart and chest to share. It will only get better from here on. Praying for you.