Will it get easier?

Living Life Without Children
1

Hi

I hope it’s ok to post on this board and I know it’s not really used much but I just need to offload and ask for the advice or reassurance from those of you who have, or are, going through a similar situation to me. I’m not really expecting any replies as I don’t know if anyone reads these boards, so to just write things down will hopefully help me and if there is anyone reading who can help then that’s a bonus!

My history is that I’m 38, I had an ep 2 years ago (2nd anniversary just passed), I have only been pregnant that one time :frowning: , we had fertility investigations this year and have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility and been told that our only realistic hope is ivf, which we can’t afford and unless our situation changes dramatically soon, we will just never be able to afford to have it. Not being negative, just trying to be realistic. So we’re at the point where part of us is trying to come to terms with the fact that it’s highly likely we won’t have any children of our own whilst battling with the other small part of our brains that nag away with that tiny persistent thought of ‘well maybe it could happen one day’.

We’ve had to endure 6 pregnancy announcements in the last 6 months from a mixture of very close friends, my brother and his girlfriend and now the most recent being last night from my husbands brother and girlfriend. I feel like I’m suffocating with other peoples pregnancies and with each announcement it just compounds how unlikely it is to ever happen for us. My brother’s baby was due on Sunday and I’m filled full of dread at getting ‘that phone call’ or text where I’ll have to pretend to be overjoyed when all I feel is utter pain and sadness. Last night’s announcement came after a day of feeling extremely emotional about the imminent arrival of my niece and a really tough counselling session where we discussed how I might (or might not!) cope with seeing the baby for the first time. My brother and girlfriend haven’t been the most understanding of our situation so that just makes it so much harder. I try so hard every day to build a life that doesn’t revolve around babies or children or the lack of (I work for myself so have thrown myself into that) but every time I feel a little bit stronger, or I’m able to ‘forget’ for a day, or a few hours, there’s always another pregnancy announcement, another scan photo, another friends midwife appointment, another baby due, to drag me back down and sometimes I wonder whether the fight to feel better is worth it?! I feel so exhausted by it all and I’m not sure I can take any more pain.

It all just feels so unfair. I feel like a failure, like I’m being punished and that I haven’t been given/allowed the membership to one of the most amazing clubs in life but all my friends and family are there, having an amazing time and all I have is them telling me how wonderful it all is but I don’t get to experience it myself. I also feel guilt. I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself. My husbands aunty finds out today whether her terminal cancer has spread any further and when I think about that, I feel so lucky and thankful that it’s not me and then I feel so guilty for not making the most of my life.

My husband is an amazing support and I feel very fortunate as I know some partners aren’t as supportive but I feel we’re both just so alone on this journey and that gradually we’re drifting away from our friends and family because we can’t handle their happiness. We’re dreading Christmas. I just want it over with.

I don’t know what I expect from writing this. Just to get it out of my head and heart really as it’s hurting so much. If anyone is reading this and can just reassure me that it does get easier, that I will enjoy life again, that I won’t be filled full of dread every time a friend or family member says ‘I have some news’, then I would appreciate it so much. I don’t expect a magic wand or any solutions but just to know I won’t always feel like this and if our future is without children, then to know I can be happy again would just give me something to cling onto.

Thank you for reading.xx

2

Oh Bea, hunnie. I’ve stumbled across this, and though am not the best person to reply, I will anyway.

I’m not even going to pretend to udnerstand the pain you are feeling. Only to say that you are greiving, you are grieving the loss of the life you thought (and probably assumed at some point, as we all do) you would have. That you would follow the natural progression of meeting the ptr of your dreams and sharing a family. Grief is somethign I’m a bit of an expert at, having lost a lot of people close to me, and it is something trhat i don’t believe gets easier as such, just becomes part of who you are and you learn to accept it as part of you.

What I can tell you is that in my job I read a lot of adoption applications, and part of that application process compels the applicant to explain their journey to making the decision to adopt, how they got there and what theywent through. Almost all have had to face the prospect that having their own biological chidl is not realistic for them anymore, for a variety of reasons, but their feelings regarding this are nearly always the same. Anger, disbelief and grief at the injustice of it - and then a compelling need to tackle it head on and say “ok, i may not have a child that is biologically mine but I will be a parent and give what I have to a child I will call my own.”

I’m not saying you chould go down the adoption route, that’s a personal decision for you to make abnd may not be the route for you (may not even be necessary you never know). What I am saying is that in time acceptance will overide the grief, anger and sadness you are feeling now and compel you into action and focus in one way or another - whether that’s an alternative life to what you planned that doesn’t involve children, or a different way of getting the children you planned to have.

I wish I had a magic wand to take this pain away from you, I really do hunnie.

xx

3

Hi Bea, honey. I also just stumbled across this. I’m probably going to be of no help whatsoever as I feel exactly the same as you do, and I really don’t know how to come to terms with never having a child (although I don’t believe for one minute that you won’t have a child eventually).

I don’t really know what to say to make it better for you. The other evening, I went out with a couple of girlfriends. One has two grown up kids, the other chose not to have children. They both said to me that I’m better off not to have children as you get problems with children. The one who has kids has had very minor problems with hers. I actually got quite angry because I really thought she got how I felt. Of course you have problems with children when they become teenagers but, my g_d, I’d relish that. And then, to consolidate how much you’re defined by having children, a group of guys came over and they all started to show us pics of their children on their phone. That did it for me and I had to go outside to get myself together.

I’m absolutely heartbroken about my situation and I cry myself to sleep every night. I hurt morning, noon and night. I’ve been told by other women on this section to come to terms with it and find other interests. That doesn’t work for me though – being a mum is the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do – and I don’t know how to change the only mindset I’ve had since I was 10 (I’m now 46). I know that I have to be realistic and start coming to terms with it or I’m going to have a really unhappy life but I really don’t know how to do it – and I’m actually not ready to do that. While I still have periods, I still have some sort of hope and, however delusional that might be, I have to cling on to that hope But I am so bitter – having a child should be every woman’s right – and I just don’t get why this has happened to me – 8 m/cs and an ep. I can’t be rational and nice about it. It’s unfair, it sucks and it hurts like h_ll. I feel a failure, I hate my body for being so rubbish, I’m scared of a future without children. I wish I could say it gets easier – it hasn’t for me – but there are plenty of women on this section who have come to terms with their situation and are happy. Also, I really don’t think it’s all over for you. I know you’ve been trying for a long time but it can still happen.

I also wish I could take away your hurt. I wish I could take away mine too. But, you know what Bea, it’s ok to feel like you do. Every time I’ve had a rant about a childless future – on here and in the real world, I get women almost telling me to pull myself together and accept it, and to get a different interest. But it isn’t like wanting a sports car and only being able to afford a runaround. This is the first time I’ve said this openly but sometimes you can’t just accept it. I’m not saying you’re going to be angry and bitter all your life but I actually think it’s easier to accept that you’re angry than to go against everything you’ve wanted from life. I’ve learnt that I’ve got absolutely every right to be devastated. I’m not going to play the martyr and pretend that it’s all ok because it isn’t ok.

And don’t feel guilty for feeling sorry for yourself. In my office, one girl’s just lost her sister, another her dad, one guy is going through chemo. Of course their situations are miles worse than mine and my heart breaks for them all. But, it’s a completely different situation and I can’t stop feeling sorry for me just because they’re going through this.

I know I haven’t helped at all but you’re not alone in the way you feel.

Massive hugs.

xxx

4

Big hugs your message was if i had written it myself after suffering from my last ep 3 years ago.The pregnancy announcments i couldnt deal with and would sink into depression with each new arrival. I did lose many friends who couldnt understand but in the process made 3 new friends who i wud trust with my life and were and are always there for me. I suffered 5 miscarraiges and 4 ep, in the end i knew i couldnt keep putting myself husband and daughter through this and went through a grieving process for my lost angels and future children. I have since adopted a little boy who is our world and cant imagine our life without him, i wudnt change anything we hav been through as he is light of our lives. Everyone is different and through the adoption process of the home study i eventually came to terms with everything, it doesnt mean i dont think about all my angels and i light a candle for all their birthdays. Everyone is different and cope in different ways. Be easy on yourself you will find the right path for you, i use to hide from my family and freinds new arrivals until i could face them and to be honest it got to the stage that if they didnt understand then they werent worth worrying about . Look after yourself and big hugs

all my love rachel xx

5

Hi Bea, don’t know if you remember me? Popped onto this board and was sad to see this post… I had hoped that you had been luckier than we had been with pregnancy. I so understand how you feel - we also had 6 pregnancies to cope with in I e year, horrible.

However, nearly a year after adopting our boys, I do feel part of that mummy club. I can’t say it’s been a dream come true, as in reality, it is a very hard road, but we are getting there. We adopted 2 brothers, 16 months and 2 yrs 8 months- it’s been tough at times, but now I do love them like my own.

I would love to chat more.

Lots of love,

Rikschick (Sarah) xxxx

6

Really it is hard time but stay persistent, positive and never lose hope

7

Hi. I’m sorry you’re going thru this and I’m hoping this can help.

Have you tried any fertility drugs? My doctor said if i experienced fertility issues while trying to get pregnant there where drugs I could take. A co-worker told me she was given them and was pregnant after a month. So, there’s an option.

As far as your feelings, that’s normal. I’ve deactivated my Facebook for similar reasons. The announcements are overwhelming and when you want to be supportive, you can’t.

8

Hello All, I’m new here from New Zealand. No, it is not easier to live without children. It is a hard time to face. I know how difficult it can be to walk away from a key chapter in your life.

9

I’m truly sorry to hear about the challenges and emotional pain you’re facing. Dealing with infertility and the constant reminders of others’ pregnancies can be incredibly difficult and isolating. It’s okay to feel the way you do, and it’s important to acknowledge and process your emotions.

While everyone’s journey is unique, many individuals who have faced similar struggles have found that with time, support, and self-care, it can become more manageable. It’s important to give yourself permission to grieve and seek the support you need, whether it’s through counseling, support groups[, or talking with understanding friends and family members.

It’s also okay to have moments of hope and moments of doubt. Your feelings are valid, and it’s natural to experience a range of emotions throughout this process. While it may not feel like it now, it’s possible to find joy and fulfillment in life, even if the path looks different from what you had envisioned.

Please remember that you’re not alone, and reaching out for support and understanding is an important step. I hope that in time, you’ll find moments of peace and happiness, and that you’ll be able to navigate this difficult journey with the support and care you deserve.](https://phima1a.com/han-quoc/)

10

Bea10:
Hi

I hope it’s ok to post on this board and I know it’s not really used much but I just need to offload and ask for the advice or reassurance from those of you who have, or are, going through a similar situation to me. I’m not really expecting any replies as I don’t know if anyone reads these boards, so to just write things down will hopefully help me and if there is anyone reading who can help then that’s a bonus!

My history is that I’m 38, I had an ep 2 years ago (2nd anniversary just passed), I have only been pregnant that one time :frowning: , we had fertility investigations this year and have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility and been told that our only realistic hope is ivf, which we can’t afford and unless our situation changes dramatically soon, we will just never be able to afford to have it. Not being negative, just trying to be realistic. So we’re at the point where part of us is trying to come to terms with the fact that it’s highly likely we won’t have any children of our own whilst battling with the other small part of our brains that nag away with that tiny persistent thought of ‘well maybe it could happen one day’.

We’ve had to endure 6 pregnancy announcements in the last 6 months from a mixture of very close friends, my brother and his girlfriend and now the most recent being last night from my husbands brother and girlfriend. I feel like I’m suffocating with other peoples pregnancies and with each announcement it just compounds how unlikely it is to ever happen for us. My brother’s baby was due on Sunday and I’m filled full of dread at getting ‘that phone call’ or text where I’ll have to pretend to be overjoyed when all I feel is utter pain and sadness. Last night’s announcement came after a day of feeling extremely emotional about the imminent arrival of my niece and a really tough counselling session where we discussed how I might (or might not!) cope with seeing the baby for the first time. My brother and girlfriend haven’t been the most understanding of our situation so that just makes it so much harder. I try so hard every day to build a life that doesn’t revolve around babies or children or the lack of (I work for myself so have thrown myself into that) but every time I feel a little bit stronger, or I’m able to ‘forget’ for a day, or a few hours, there’s always another pregnancy announcement, another scan photo, another friends midwife appointment, another baby due, to drag me back down and sometimes I wonder whether the fight to feel better is worth it?! I feel so exhausted by it all and I’m not sure I can take any more pain.

It all just feels so unfair. I feel like a failure, like I’m being punished and that I haven’t been given/allowed the membership to one of the most amazing clubs in life but all my friends and family are there, having an amazing time and all I have is them telling me how wonderful it all is but I don’t get to experience it myself. I also feel guilt. I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself. My husbands aunty finds out today whether her terminal cancer has spread any further and when I think about that, I feel so lucky and thankful that it’s not me and then I feel so guilty for not making the most of my life.

My husband is an amazing support and I feel very fortunate as I know some partners aren’t as supportive but I feel we’re both just so alone on this journey and that gradually we’re drifting away from our friends and family because we can’t handle their happiness. We’re dreading Christmas. I just want it over with.

I don’t know what I expect from writing this. Just to get it out of my head and heart really as it’s hurting so much. If anyone is reading this and can just reassure me that it does get easier, that I will enjoy life again, that I won’t be filled full of dread every time a friend or family member says ‘I have some news’, then I would appreciate it so much. I don’t expect a magic wand or any solutions but just to know I won’t always feel like this and if our future is without children, then to know I can be happy again would just give me something to cling onto.

Thank you for reading.xx

It’s completely okay to share your feelings and seek support, even if it’s on an online platform like this. I’m glad you took the time to express what you’re going through. Infertility and pregnancy loss can be incredibly challenging and emotionally draining experiences.

It sounds like you and your husband have a strong bond and are supporting each other through this difficult journey, which is incredibly important.

While it may not feel like it right now, it’s possible for things to get easier with time.