Hello,
I’ve been on here a couple of times over the last few years but never in my darkest moments did I think I’d be posting in this section. We’ve just suffered our fourth ectopic pregnancy and have finally been left unable to conceive naturally. Lots of jolly, upbeat and positive people (I know, they mean well) have told us that because it’s the only way we’ll have our own child, we’re ideal candidates for IVF and that we’ve got a great chance of success. I sometimes get a little vengeful and angry kick from then telling them that we won’t get funded IVF as my DP already has children from his first marriage. Never mind that I obviously have some kind of medical rubbishness that’s caused me to lose 4 pregnancies, 2 with ruptures.
Anyway, ranting over, how on earth do I move on? DP can hug his boys every weekend and while he feels so sad about us never having a baby of our own, he is honest about not having the feelings of despair and desperation that I have. I appreciate it’s only been 2 weeks since we lost baby but I’m back at work on MOnday and have no idea how I’ll manage. I work with the best bunch, they’re incredibly supportive but I feel so angry and so cheated, is it rude to say “actually, no, I’m wrecked by this” when they ask me how I am. I don’t want to drive my friends away but I can’t get past this. These feelings will pass and I know the dark days will become less frequent and will be easier but I can’t get my head around grieving for another lost baby and the loss of any other babies to come.
Can anyone offer me any words of advice? I have no idea about how to momve through this, to the point of just pushing thoughts out of my head because it feels easier to just not think about it!
Thank you
Sarah
Dear Sarah:
I’m deeply sad about what has happened to you. I can only share my experience, hoping it might help you somehow.
When I was in my 20’s I was told that if I conceived, it would be a miracle becuase of a hormonal disorder. After almost 1 year of trying in my late 30’s, I got a BFP. Seven weeks later I had the bleeding and two weeks after that I was diagnosed with EP. It felt so unfair that life allows us to touch the sky and then hit us as hard as it can. I lost control of myself. Very few people knew about my pregnancy so I felt like the clown smiling when inside I was torn. I started counselling and that helped a lot. I could have a space of my own when I could pour all of my anger and sadness. I also started my assisted conception treatment just to have a second ectopic and lose my tube one year later. DH and I are not permanent residents so we wouldn’t be elegible for adoption and medical forcast was simply gloomy. We had to wait two years for IVF and now I’m almost 40, when the chances of success are slim. What I did? Became sour and cried as much as I could. DH took the worst part of my rage until I realised I had lost two babies and if I kept on like that, I would also lose a husband. I convinced myself that people tell the stories of success, but never the dark ones. I could see a mother with a baby, but wouldn’t know if that baby is not a healthy one, if it’s not hers or if she suffers because she can’t provide something. I didn’t look for happiness, just looked for peace. I focused on what I had and convinced myself that one is always missing something and it is a personal decision how you deal with that. Don’t put your feelings under the carpet. They always know how to come back. Seek for councelling and also, be very open to your husband so he knows how you feel. XX