Hi all. First time poster.
Our ectopic loss was a part of a five year long infertility story. It was the result of our first IUI at the fertility clinic and I also lost a tube in the surgery. Now, years later as we’ve finally been able to move on to IVF (covid very much altering our plans) we’re being told that although my ovarian reserve is normal, my egg quality is most likely poor. I’m now on the brink of 40, and we’re considering giving up on our pursuit of becoming parents. It feels like an impossible decision, but the lottery of infertility treatment has become too much for our hearts, minds and certainly my body. We’re burned out beyond belief and we want our lives back, although I know the route to acceptance and healing will be extremely hard.
At the time of our ectopic although I was devastated, but I also felt like it was a blip in our complicated journey to parenthood. Doctors and family members would console us by saying “at least you know you can get pregnant.” Now that we’re facing a future without children, I find that I’m mourning it harder than I did before. The grief is moving more out of the realm of clinical grief over our inability to become pregnant and more into the loss of our baby.
Can anyone else relate to this delayed grief response?
Hi. I’m sorry you’re going through all of it. I’m not exactly in the same situation as you but I felt I should reply to your post.
I had an ectopic pregnancy 1.5 years ago. That was my first and the only pregnancy. My feelings have been definitely changing over time. In the beginning I was shocked by ectopic and surgery, especially that I didn’t have red flag symptoms and was told that ectopic was unlikely in my case. Next months after surgery I was dealing with awareness of my own mortality and fear of being pregnant again. At that point I was sure I didn’t want to ttc as the risk of going through ectopic seemed to be too high. Only after one year I started really grieving the loss of the baby and the feeling of sorrow and misery was overwhelming.
I think it’s normal that your feelings are changing and your grieve is focused on different aspects of your situation. Experience of pregnancy loss and fertility problems is so complex and it’s probably difficult to emotionally process everything in one goal.
Hi!
My situation is not the same as you, but I also have experienced this “delayed” response. I had an ectopic pregnancy with tubal loss 1.5 years ago. That was not my first pregnancy loss, as I have had a miscarriage 2 years before (thankfully I had an uncomplicated pregnancy in between). When I had the ectopic pregnancy I was more than 40, so my partner and I agreed to ttc for a few months and then move on. We decided to be pragmatic and not make a fuss. After all we had one child, my age and loss of the tube made it more difficult and we were in the middle of a pandemic, so any kind of fertility treatment was almost out of the question. We said we would try for 6 months, then we added another 2, then another 4. Then we gave up, but we were sloppy with contraception for a couple of months… It is very hard to give up your wish of having children and I definitely think more about the ectopic pregnancy now than when it happened and I’m more upset now. Be kind with yourself, coping with grief is hard and takes time. Giving up on children is very hard and I don’t think there are shortcuts. It is being very tough for me, even though at least I have one child, you are not alone with your feelings.
You had to grieve properly and go through all the stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.