I’m not sure where to start so please bear with me. All I’ve ever wanted out of life is to be a wife and a mum. It was never a cool thing to admit when I was younger especially as I was considered extremely intelligent and expected to have a good career. But work has never interested me even though I have managed to build up a good career. I have had a whole string of broken relationships, including an engagement that I called off just before the wedding. I’ve had 8 pregnancies. 7 of these resulted in a miscarriage and the last one ended in a very long drawn-out traumatic ectopic. I am now 43 and I feel like the whole world has given up on me ever having a baby. I know that, at my age and with one tube down, the chance of me getting pregnant and staying pregnant is very slim. But I still have hope, even though I’m not currently in a relationship. I got pregnant at 40 and then again at 41, albeit with two tubes. If I gave up hope, I might as well just slit my wrists. I have bereavement counselling because I lost my last baby at 14 weeks at the same time as I lost my favourite uncle who kind of brought me up. My counsellor is now saying that I have to prepare myself for a life without children. I just don’t feel ready to do that. One of my biggest struggles is that, although my body is 43, I only look about 28 (in some ways looking so young isn’t a blessing) and I can’t bring myself to think that I’m too old to have children.
My parents aren’t helping. I’m close to them but I feel like they’ve completely given up on me having a child. They only know about two of my miscarriages and the ectopic but at no time have they felt like they’ve lost a grandchild. They disapproved of my last long term relationship in which I had a miscarriage and the ectopic and actually seemed relieved that I lost the baby both times. They were incredibly supportive when I had the ectopic but only because I nearly died - it was nothing to do with losing the baby. Last Christmas Day, which was unfortunately the anniversary of my due date, they completely spoilt my niece and said, “We’re allowed to spoil her because she’s the only grandchild we’ll ever have.” It was so hurtful, especially considering my due date and how I was feeling that day. A few months ago, my parents had family round for dinner. I’m undergoing a lawsuit against my hospital for medical negligence which is extremely stressful (I was misdiagnosed for 8 weeks by my hospital because they didn’t carry out the right tests or put two and two together) and my great aunt asked me what I was going to do with the money when (if) I get it. I said a lot of it will go towards IVF which I may well need if I’m going to have a baby. My parents nearly fell of their chairs at that and my mum said, “Well, you need to find a husband first.” Again it was so hurtful. Recently, my dad has been clearing out his loft which is full of my and my brother’s childhood toys and books as well as those belonging to my niece. He’s giving me the choice of whether I want to keep these or give them to charity and, every time I go round there I’m presented with another box to sort through. I’m very sentimental and would love to keep everything but I understand that I can’t. And I don’t have room in my flat to store them. But there are many items that I would love to pass on to my own baby. My parents kept everything for my niece to play with and it’s obvious that they don’t believe they’re going to have another grandchild. I actually feel like they don’t even particularly want one. My niece is spookily the spitting image of me and my parents often accidentally call me by her name and vice versa. I don’t mind this because my niece and I dote on each other but I do mind that they have given up on me ever having a baby. I actually made a bit of a stand today but it was really hard. I was asked to sort out a box of nursery books and I said that I wanted to keep them all because one day I’ll have a baby and will want to share my childhood toys and books. That was met with a stunned silence but I’m glad I said what I felt.
This is the hardest thing to admit and I’m so sorry if I offend anyone. I get really upset when I hear from women on this site - or in the real world - who are worried about falling pregnant because they’re passed 30. Deep down I know their fears are real but, for me I think my god, you’ve got years ahead of you, even if you do only have one tube.
Am I just completely deluded in thinking I can still have a baby or should I give up now and try to come to terms with the fact that I’m going to be childless and try to find something else in my life that will make me feel whole? I just don’t know that that would be. I have a good career, I have my health and I look great for my age but it doesn’t make me feel whole. I would give everything that I’ve got to be able to have a child and I don’t want to think about facing life without one.
I’m not going to tell you if you’re deluded or not. I just know that at 43 the odds are against you. It doesn’t mean you won’t get pregnant and have a baby. Everyone has a story that they know someone who had a baby in the 40s or late 40s. My own sister had her only daughter when she was 42. But no-one considers all those women who wanted to get pregnant in their 40s and didn’t. There are sadly far more of them. And then there’s the very real risk of chromosomal abnormalities as we get older, and the heightened risk of miscarriage (about 50% in our early to mid 40s).
I found out I’d never have children on my 41st birthday. I had my first fertility appointment just before my 40th birthday, and was horrified that the fertility guy went on and on about my “vintage.” So I know what you mean when you say that you feel too young to not be able to have children. But there are 20 year old women who find that they can’t have children. We’re all individuals. You said “I can’t bring myself to think that I’m too old to have children.” That’s because you’re not ready to let go. Or you’re not letting yourself let go. You’ve spent so long convinced that you’d have a child that you can’t accept that you might not.
So what I’d say is that, at 43, you need to have a plan. Time is not in your favour, but what time is left cannot be wasted. If you genuinely want a child, then you really need to do something proactive about that. You say you still have hope, but you’re not doing anything about it. Or are you? I don’t know. So if you sit down and work out what options you have, and then decide whether you want to follow any of those or not. Perhaps give yourself a time limit. Look at the barriers to having a child, and work out whether you can overcome them. Seek professional advice. You say you’ve had a good career - then you’re probably very good at planning and sorting out information. Ask yourself questions like: Do I want to be a single mother? Is pregnancy important to me? Or is it being a mother? Do I want a biological child? Or would I accept an egg donor conceived child? Or is adoption right for me? Could I find another outlet for my nurturing instincts? And I’d find one person - a friend, or a family member, or maybe even a support group - in whom I could confide and talk this through.
If you genuinely want to have a child on your own, then you need to treat it as a project. (In my opinion anyway). Because time isn’t on your side. I know that. I wish someone had given me a lecture in my 30s, when I did have time, and when I wasn’t aware of the difficulties in conceiving in my late 30s and early 40s. And I just let time slide by. Until it was too late. I’ll never know if I’d been more pro-active in my 20s or 30s whether I would have had children. Time did run out for me.
I’m so sorry that you’re in this position. But you said - and it really worried me - “If I gave up hope, I might as well just slit my wrists.” Your life is worth so much more than your ability to be a mother or not. And “giving up hope” is giving up hope of just that one aspect of your life. “Giving up hope” is actually taking the step to take control of your life, and to move ahead. And I can tell you that there is a real feeling of relief in doing this. Ending one part of your life and moving on to where you’ll find that there is hope in so many other parts of your life. And I have hope - no, belief - that if you don’t have children, then you will still have a really good life. And it won’t be a lesser life in anyway - just different. The road less travelled.
I really hope I haven’t upset you. I just wanted to let you know I’m listening, I hear you. And … well … you did ask!
No, you haven’t upset me in the slightest! The good thing about this site is you can rant and there’s always someone there to listen to you and give you their opinion/view. And you shouldn’t ask for an opinion if you’re going to be upset by one!
I’m so sorry to hear that you found out you’ll never have children. That sounds a bit patronising of me actually and I hope you don’t take it that way. Hopefully you’ll know what I mean. I didn’t know “vintage†also applied to human beings. I guess we’re like good wines then!
Thinking about it again, it’s more about the fact that people have given up on me having a proper stable relationship in which I can try to have a baby. And I can do something about that. As you said, make it a project. Actually, my counsellor says the same thing to me. That if I want to meet someone with whom I can have a baby, I need to do it as a project and put a bit of effort in. My problem is that I’ve not really separated from my ex – the father of my ectopic and my last miscarriage. After 18 months of being apart, we’ve started seeing each other again but we have no future so I’m just wasting my time which is becoming more and more precious by the month.
Maybe I am deluded but I’m still convinced I am physically able to have a child at 43 so I’m not going to look at alternative methods until I’ve tried properly. None of my pregnancies have been planned. The last two happened while I was on contraception so I figure that if I can fall pregnant at 40 and 41 while I was on the pill, then there’s still a chance for me to fall naturally, even if I am now one tube down. I didn’t start having periods till I was 18 so I also think I’m likely to be fertile till a later age. Yes, that probably really is deluded as I’ve never heard of any medical evidence that confirms that! If it doesn’t happen naturally, I’d definitely consider adoption or IVF but only if I was in a stable relationship. I’m going through a lawsuit against my hospital so I’ll hopefully be able to afford IVF once it’s resolved. I’m very traditional and wouldn’t go it alone. One of my closest friends gave up on meeting someone at 39 and had a baby with her best gay friend – with a bit of assistance. It’s working well for them but it’s not what I’d want.
I think what I was trying to say is that I don’t want people to put the dampers on my dream. Obviously, I might have to reassess my dreams in a few dreams but, while I’ve still got hope, let me have that hope and support me in it.
You know, that last line of yours is what you should say to your family. That you know you might have to reassess, but that you want them to understand you have this dream at the moment. It sums up your feelings and position beautifully.
As for keeping your childhood things, I fully support that. A few years ago my mother was going to give away all our children’s books to a niece and nephew and their three kids. I put my foot down, and said I wanted them, whether I had children or not. My books have real sentimental value to me - they opened the world to me, educated me and inspired me, and were my friends when I was alone on the farm (well, alone with my sisters and parents - but you know what I mean). And my mother was happy to give them to me. It was more that they had been sitting at her house and she thought that since I’d never said I wanted them, that I didn’t actually want them.
It’s perfectly reasonable to want our childhood things. You know, I read something recently where someone asked why we have to justify our enjoyment in childhood things (or kids movies, or rollercoasters etc), or why the only way we can do these things is through other kids? Why we don’t seem to think it’s okay to love our childhood things or want to relive certain parts of our childhoods as adults? Well, it is!
I meant “reassess my dreams in a few years” but I think you got that! I completely agree with you about keeping our childhood things for us. I was lucky enough to have a magical childhood. My adulthood hasn’t been quite so hot so why wouldn’t I want to keep my childhood alive? It’s no different to keeping photographs.
The other thing I’ve noticed since my ep is how much we’re defined by whether or not we’ve got children. I belong to a networking group which helps with my business. As part of this we have to fill out a biography sheet which gets read out to the group. The very first question is “Married, and who to?”. The second is “How many children do you have?” I completely understand that this is so that the other members of the group get to know a bit more about you but obviously both subjects are sensitive for me - more so the second questions - and I don’t want to be “judged” on whether I’ve been able to reproduce! It’s actually a really personal question that doesn’t have any bearing on the work I do. I asked the woman who reads out the bio sheets to omit the children question when it came to me. I think it’s only when you’ve lost babies that you become aware of how personal the subject is. I now cringe if, for example, I hear anyone asking a couple when they’re going to start a family. You never know their circumstances. But I’m sure I used to ask people the same question before all this happened to me.
Thanks for listening Linda. I’ve read quite a few of your posts and you always seem to be the voice of reason.
Was just lurking on this board - I haven’t posted for a long long time but it’s around the anniversary of both my eps, and felt like I needed a bit of support from ‘those who know’. Anyway I just wanted to say that if more of us could get ours heads around Linda’s comment:
It’s perfectly reasonable to want our childhood things. You know, I read something recently where someone asked why we have to justify our enjoyment in childhood things (or kids movies, or rollercoasters etc), or why the only way we can do these things is through other kids? Why we don’t seem to think it’s okay to love our childhood things or want to relive certain parts of our childhoods as adults? Well, it is!
Then the whole ‘childlessness’ thing maybe somewhat easier to deal with.