Not sure what to feel

Main Board
1

TW: I talk about ectopic pregnancy in a negative and self-destructive light, as well as planned pregnancy termination before news of ectopic pregnancy.

I’m a 22 year old university student and conceived spontaneously last month. We were never planning to keep the baby by virtue of us being students and lacking the financial resources to bring and raise a child in this world. I have always had concerns about my fertility and I’ve always been worried that when the time finally comes when I’m ready to have a baby, I will struggle to conceive. For that reason, as weird as it sounds since we didn’t want to keep the baby, I was somewhat relieved when I got the positive pregnancy test back as it was proof that I had no reason to be concerned. However, my relief quickly turned dark when bleeding and pain (especially on one side) brought me to the hospital and I found out it was ectopic. I’m still going through the motions… I didn’t expect to feel this much given termination was always the plan anyway. Some moments I am indifferent to it, and adopt a ‘what will be will be’ attitude and just carry on my daily activities as if nothing has happened. Most days, however, I am a mess. My previous concerns about fertility have come flooding back at a much higher intensity since this has happened. Sometimes I can’t stop being sad. Sometimes I spend an hour studying, half an hour crying, an hour studying, and repeat the process. Sometimes I feel so depressed I don’t want to talk to anyone about anything at all apart from my parents with whom I live so I have little choice but to talk with them. Sometimes I feel angry at myself, and anger at not being able to control my fertility. I keep thinking ‘why has my body failed to do what millions of women’s bodies do everyday and have done since the beginning of mankind’. I’m worried if I have to get my Fallopian tube removed I will feel less like a woman. I feel like in society fertility is primarily the problem of the woman… and if I have something removed that is a significant cog in this wheel of fertility then removal of that cog will take away a huge chunk of my womanhood. I feel like my partner could easily find someone else who is ‘more woman’ and ‘more fertile’ who will easily not have such issues and so my ego and self-esteem are massively hurt. Not to mention I’m terrified, as I’ve taken the expectant management route; I feel like every day brings new physical bodily changes to the table and I’m living in fear that the issue won’t resolve on its own. Since this has happened I feel like social media is taunting me by filling my feeds with pictures of pregnant women and posts about fertility and children - every time I see such posts I cry. I feel like this is confirmation that I’m going to be facing my worst nightmare in the future: never being able to sustain a pregnancy and deliver a baby.

I feel like this constellation of feelings has arisen out of grief, yet I don’t know what I am grieving. My pre-ectopic fertility? My Fallopian tube that I haven’t even lost yet? My self-esteem? A baby I didn’t even want yet? I don’t know. This post is one huge waffle, but never have I been able to vent so openly without worrying so much that people will find me strange or think I am a horrible person for thinking this way and if you do, that’s fair enough. My process necessitates getting everything off my shoulders, and this is the only platform I’ve found on which I can do so.

2

Hi Millie,

I don’t know if I can offer reassurance. I went into hospital on thursday last week and my whole life changed that day. Me and my husband of 4 years have been on contraception (IUD copper coil), before that I was on contraception the microgynon pill (i got off the pill because it completely messed my hormones up I wasn’t able to have conversations with people my speech and brain was messed up and also I struggled to function like a normal human somehow my brain was not doing simple tasks like getting me to get out of bed. Its strange to say after the operation of my left fallopian tube I actually am feeling less tired. Sleeping way less and my outlook on life is so much more different. I was fortunate as I managed to walk into hospital after having left work due to being sick from a pregnancy. Who knows where I’d be a week later maybe I would need a blood transfusion but it’s strange I had so many pre conceived ideas about getting blood and all that. When you are faced with 2 options to either have surgery to live or to potentially risk your life for an injection that may not work and then you would need surgery.

Anyways I’m rambling, just want you to know your not alone although it may feel that way. I’m 27 years old and to feel like it’s your fault is really hard. All those times of me ‘sleeping with different guys before marriage’ how ending up with STDS like Pelvic inflammatory and HPV you can’t help to think it’s your fault and your body is causing you to feel that way. I definitely feel like a failure and I feel sad.

I was faced with a decision with my husband that we didn’t know what to do we didn’t even have a day to decide and the woman in the royal london hospital said to me you are not allowed to walk out of here we arw admitting you. It’s such a scary feeling especially when you’re only allowed an hour of visiting time.

Anyways the point I’m making is before we saw the pregnancy test I never wanted a baby I tried so hard to be on contraception to stop it from happening but then faced with the feeling like it’s almost taken away from you is absolutely terrifying and gut wrenching I cannot even explain how I feel after surgery and it’s been 5 days already and it feels strange. I don’t even feel like I’m here on this earth. My husband doesn’t know how to help me mentally, mentally I’m scarred he keeps saying to me I need to not lose my personality my almost ‘bulchy’ character but I feel like part of me was taken even tho I know a lot of women have all their plumbing and they cant have children.

The surgeon Dr Khan reassured me" if you chop one hand off will the other stop working, no the other will function more better because there is no other hand to use" your fertility chances don’t drop and you lose no eggs from your ovaries.

Have the surgery, think of it this way think of all the people you would leave behind and also think of how much of a blessing you already are in people’s lives. Trust me people care about you and I don’t know you. Your story touched me and I know how your feeling because I have had the surgery and I feel exactly the same.

If you want to talk my name is Amber - my mobile number is 07380856860. Please reach out do not suffer in silence

3

Dear Millie,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss.

We hear from lots of women whose pregnancies weren’t planned and some of them were looking o end the pregnancy prior trying experiencing ectopic pregnancy. This does not and the trauma of ectopic pregnancy any less real or painful. You have been through a huge, life changing experience and are still in the very early days of recovery. it’s ok that you are not sure what to feel. The emotions you are feeling now are normal and felt by many in your position, you will need hear take time to process all of this. There is no timeframe for recovery, take each day as it comes.

It’s important to remember that there is nothing you did to cause or could have done to stop an ectopic pregnancy. As every women is unique, we all process it in different ways. Some days are better and some days are harder. Over time, the initial feelings may fade, but we don’t forget. It’s important to take the next steps in your own time. Your well-being is the most important thing right now.

you are concerned about your future fertility but when a person has only one fallopian tube they are still able to get pregnant from an egg at the opposite ovary as an egg from one ovary can travel down the tube on the other side. Conservative estimates suggest that an egg produced on the tubeless side manages to descend the remaining tube around 15 to 20% of the time. This means that rather than your fertility being halved it has been affected by around 30% or, looking at it another way, it means we have around a 70% opportunity of conception with each menstrual (period) cycle.

We naturally assume that we will ovulate from alternative ovaries each month (left ovary, right ovary, left, right etc.) This is not true and varies from woman to woman. Some women will ovulate from the same side each month with an occasional ovulation from the other side, while others will ovulate randomly from side to side.

Both ovaries compete each month to produce an egg and usually the one that is ‘pulling ahead in the race’ continues while the other one gives up (but not always – sometimes women will ovulate from both ovaries in one cycle or twice from one ovary but these are rare events that explain how we get non-identical twins naturally). It depends on which ovary contains the egg that is at the right stage of development at the point in time where the woman is due to ovulate and is nothing to do with a set pattern.

The side we ovulate from does not strictly matter as an egg from one ovary can travel down the tube on the other side.I

I absolutely love what Ambers doctor said about removal of tubes and trying to conceive again, it is very true (and I think I might pinch the saying!)

I know that it can be difficult not to worry about possible losses. Please know that many of us still struggle with the same feelings. These boards are here to support you, and we are here for any questions and concerns for as long as you need.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can help the healing process. We are more than happy to talk with you by email or telephone and answer any questions you may have or simply listen to your experience. In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling. The charity, Mind, may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/.

Sending much love,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards

During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

4

Hello,

I am sorry you feel like that.

I don’t have any advice for you, I would just like to say that I feel the same way and maybe share my story which is in many ways similar to yours.

It truly is strange to feel sad and be crying and not even knowing why, when I didn’t really want a baby in the first place.

For me the reasons for not really wanting a baby right now were:

-still recovering from PTSD, just got off antidepressants a few months ago,

-not having a job at the moment (only having part time or non official jobs since graduation 5 years ago anyway,not being clear on what I can do in this new remote area I moved to) and

-starting a new job in a month, I wanted to work there for at least a year before considering going on maternity leave (if I decided to),

-I am still not sure if I even want to be a mother, ever in my life, but having that possibility was different than having that door closed (if I don’t want to do the long, expensive and stressful process of IVF)

Plus after not conceiving for about 2 years, me and my husband thought one of us is infertile anyway and we were kind of ok with not having kids of our own. But we also thought that in case I got pregnant, it would be a nice bonus, so we didn’t consider contraception.

So when I got a positive pregnancy test, I was confused, not really happy, more surprised that we maybe were not infertile…The next day I started thinking about it in order to accept the possibility of pregnancy and motherhood…I started thinking more about nutrition, quitting the main thing that managed my PTSD, because maybe it could be harmful to the baby, even thinking about having to buy bigger clothes because this maybe wasn’t temporary PMS bloating,but something alien growing in my body…

But after checking that the test has been expired for 2 years and then starting bleeding the next day, I just assumed it was faulty. And I felt quite relieved. But 6 days later I got terrible abdominal pain and it took me half a day of trying to get over it, thinking its gas…then after 6 hours of worsening pain, my husband suggested it could be an ectopic pregnancy and when we arrived to the hospital, there was already 0,5 l of blood in my abdomen and I couldn’t walk. I forgot there was such a thing as ectopic pregnancy and ignored the fact that these past 6 days it was more like spotting than a period and I was actually bleeding more on day 6 than day 2 which is usually heaviest.

After the laparoscopic tube removal and uterus revision, they told me I had adhesions in my belly, even under my liver and on the other fallopian tube too. It was caused by some inflammation in the past, they assumed chlamydia I wouldn’t even know about. Thinking back I have to ask my doctor whether the real bad untreated UTI (I was travelling) I had 7 years ago could be the cause, because I also started to have more painful periods after that. Both possible reasons would have been caused by my negligence of my health, which my husband very emotionally pointed out. So it is hard not to feel guilty. His point was not for me to feel guilty, but to start taking better care of myself. But I couldn’t do even that.

A week after surgery, when the scars and my insides weren’t so painful I started to do things that actually strained me too much. It was just too frustrating not to do anything about the mess in the house, eating the only meal my husband makes, all the garden work in the busiest time of the season left undone…so I started to do more and then the next day felt more pain and less energy. And now, 22 days after surgery I oscillate between doing at least the less strenuous house and garden work and feeling positive and then the next day being exhausted, depressed, frustrated and crying.

And not really understanding what I’m crying about.

Probably the missing fallopian tube and the other one blocked and the limitations of recovery.

Anyway, the only way to deal with this is to learn to be real compassionate with ourselves, maybe it’s time we learned how to do it… the hard way. And for me it’s also remembering, that ‘‘Our feelings of contentment are strongly influenced by our tendency to compare.’’ So not thinking what others have and what I could have had and being nostalgic about what I could have been doing instead laying in bed exhausted really helps.

5

Hi totally understand how you feel i had Pelvic inflammation from having chlamidyia and also found out before me and my husband that I had herpes which my husband now feels disgusted by. (We split up before we got together and got engaged and married and that time I had slept with other people and god knows when i caught it.) So i sorta feel like this is partially my fault but you never know if its the diseases or if it is the coil that I was on. I will never truly know but i do feel like im having the repercussions of immorality and sleeping around. I’m so uneducated and I didn’t feel well equipped about my health which i should have taken care of. I’m now having the issues of the reality of losing a tube. If i do get pregnant im worried also with delivery of my child getting sick with all the diseases I have. When me and my husband have an argument he always uses that stuff against me and I feel like crap

6

Almost two months have passed since I made this post and, although I read all your replies as they came in, I wasn’t in a position to speak out again in response. I’m positively overwhelmed by your willingness to share your experiences and offer reassurance that this is not the end of the line as far as fertility is concerned. For that I want to say thank you for taking the liberty to share your experiences and knowledge with the intention of creating this micro support space. I truly sympathise with your situations and, although the circumstances are somewhat different, ectopic pregnancy is regardless a significant physical and emotional burden. I am also very grateful for the existence of this charity and forum for providing a space for sharing, asking for and offering support. I’m amazed by how many women I’ve seen come forward about having or have had an ectopic pregnancy as I really didn’t think it was all that common since when I first heard the diagnosis I thought I was rather alone in this.

2 months on I’m still struggling with the emotional ramifications. I’m in a much better position than I was at the beginning, and I was able to keep my Fallopian tube, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still struggle with intrusive thoughts and immense fear for the future in terms of having children. I’m really scared it will happen again, and I still become upset reading about ectopic pregnancy and even reading your replies and typing out this message I feel some sort of loss. Nevertheless, it was very insightful reading your experiences, so thank you very much for sharing them. You all have offered me some valuable knowledge and advice (as I suppose we’re all wiser after the event) which I had never considered before, especially learning to be compassionate with ourselves - it’s not easy but I think that’s something we all need to exercise. I wish you all the best for the future x