Emotions all over the place

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1

Hello all,

I’m new and have never really posted in a forum before. Here’s my story:

It was 3 weeks ago today that we announced to family and some close friends that we were expecting a new addition to our little family. Like most people, we were excited and happy to be parents again. Excited that our loving little boy would be a big brother.

It was a few days later, whilst at work that I felt some unusual pains or cramping, but no bleeding. I thought nothing of it, but mentioned it to My partner anyway. We decided to get things checked out, to be on the safe side. We made an appointment for the next day at the Early Pregnancy unit. We went to the appointment optimistic, thinking that it was just one of those pregnancy things.

During the appointment we had a scan. It showed that there was nothing in the uterus. However, we were told that it was a possibility that it was very hard to find something at only 5 weeks. We were a little worried, but again still optimistic. They took some blood and would test the hcg levels. And then retest 48 hours later. We left thinking that everything would be fine and continued to plan for the future.

48 hours later we went back to the hospital to have more bloods taken. The nurse told us we should expect a phone call later that day. That evening, I received the phone call, and the doctor on the other end of the phone discussed her worries with me. My hcg levels had not risen as expected. They were then concerned that it could be an Ectopic Pregnancy. After talk about admission to hospital that night, I refused. I would go in, in the morning. So the next morning I received a call from the Early Pregnancy Unit asking me to come in as soon as possible.

We arrived at the hospital in good spirits, thinking that the pregnancy was just going to be one of those awkward ones. We went in to the scan room and started the process. The nurse began the scan pressing down as firmly as possible to find the baby… there was still nothing in the uterus. She then proceeded to scan the Fallopian tubes.

She had found a “mass” in the right tube. This broke us. We had been planning for this new baby, even told family and close friends. Now we were being told that there would be no baby and had the possibility of losing the Fallopian tube too.

Everything seemed surreal and a blur. We were being told that I would need surgery as soon as possible, as it would end up killing me if left in there much longer. That night I had surgery to remove the 5 week pregnancy.

Recovery has been hard on all of us. We are still in the recovery process, both physically and mentally.

The love and support from our family and close friends has been amazing. My partner has been my rock throughout all of this and Our son is our shining light and I am thankful for him even more so now.

I can only speak for myself here, but I don’t know how to grieve, I don’t know what I’m feeling. It’s hard to process.

I keep breaking down and crying. A consultant told me to not be upset and just carry on with life, because I’m young and can have many more babies if I wanted to. He was so insensitive.

I have trouble expressing my emotions normally. These past few weeks have been horrendous. I cannot be bothered doing anything, I’m so fed up and I know I’m impacting my little boy. I just can’t get my head in to gear to sort every day activities out.

Is it normal? I’m back at work this week and I’m scared I’m not emotionally ready. But I cannot stay home any longer, its driving me insane.

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Hi. This is my first forum post too.

Had surgery about 2 weeks ago, where they removed my right tube and my 6 week old baby.

Hospital was not a very good experience either. I was admitted after having extreme pain, then had to stay over night to have a scan in the morning. This upset me to start with as I was admitted at 12 noon. Why I had to wait till the morning for an ultrasound irratted me especially as I was in a lot of pain.

Then when the morning came they couldn’t wait 10 minutes for my partner to arrive so I had to go on my own. Seeing my baby and their heartbeat and then to confirm it was an ectopic pregnancy completely broke me. I was then left in the scan room by myself to cry.

Dealing with the loss of a baby is bad enough. You just want to go home and grieve with your loved ones but instead you are by yourself recovering from surgery and also coming to the terms with the loss of some of your fertility.

We are lucky enough to have a little boy who is now 14 months but it took us 2 years to conceive him and now this I feel like I don’t have the strength to try again.

I have spent the past 2 weeks sitting about the house and also have no motivation to do anything. I also feel sorry for my little boy as I can’t be bothered to go out and do activities with him. I just break down and cry at times during the day.

The hardest thing for me is that I know my baby would of not survived in my tube but I feel terrible that I have had to abort my baby even though at the time my baby was completely healthy just in the wrong place.

You have a right to be upset. Your a mother who has lost your baby. I tell myself that it has only been a few weeks and everyone is different. There is no time line for grief. My advice was to wait 3 months after surgery to try again, this is not just so you heal physically but emotionally too. Getting back to work may help you take your mind off thinking about what has happened. It will never go away you will remember this for the rest of your life you just need time to grieve.

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Dear Charlottie1990,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss.

When we experience ectopic pregnancy, we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.

Experiencing an ectopic pregnancy is a huge ordeal and you are in the early stages of recovery. Your body needs time to heal from your surgery which is in itself a gruelling task. You have also had to process the loss of your baby and been through an immense rollercoaster of emotions - all of this will take time to come to terms with.

You should take it very easily for about six weeks after surgery. Your body will be using its energies to heal internally. It is normal to feel physically and emotionally exhausted during this time and please do be kind to yourself. Recovery can take time and some days will be better than others, one day you maybe ok and the next you maybe in discomfort or more emotional. This is perfectly usual and the healing process will go back and forth in this way for however long you need. It is important to listen to your body’s signals and pain and feeling tired are your body’s signs to tell you to rest. We suggest keeping a healthy balanced diet, drinking lots of water and resting. Once your wounds have healed, very gentle exercise such as a short walk can help, but please do take this slowly.

With regards to returning to work, in general we normally suggest after six weeks you should be able to return to most jobs from a physical point of view, but many women need to take more time off to help them deal with the psychological (emotional) impact of the loss of their baby and the frightening experience they felt being diagnosed with and treated for an ectopic pregnancy.

Dear Taylor, I would just like to also add that sadly we cannot prevent ectopic pregnancy and you did not have an abortion. You are right, there is no time frame for how long it takes us to heal emotionally and it is completely normal to feel anxious about the future. We will never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn’t our fault.

To you both, your feelings are completely normal at this stage however if your low days start to outweigh the good, we at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling services.

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?

Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk

Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.

Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.

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Taylor:
Hi. This is my first forum post too.

Had surgery about 2 weeks ago, where they removed my right tube and my 6 week old baby.

Hospital was not a very good experience either. I was admitted after having extreme pain, then had to stay over night to have a scan in the morning. This upset me to start with as I was admitted at 12 noon. Why I had to wait till the morning for an ultrasound irratted me especially as I was in a lot of pain.

Then when the morning came they couldn’t wait 10 minutes for my partner to arrive so I had to go on my own. Seeing my baby and their heartbeat and then to confirm it was an ectopic pregnancy completely broke me. I was then left in the scan room by myself to cry.

Dealing with the loss of a baby is bad enough. You just want to go home and grieve with your loved ones but instead you are by yourself recovering from surgery and also coming to the terms with the loss of some of your fertility.

We are lucky enough to have a little boy who is now 14 months but it took us 2 years to conceive him and now this I feel like I don’t have the strength to try again.

I have spent the past 2 weeks sitting about the house and also have no motivation to do anything. I also feel sorry for my little boy as I can’t be bothered to go out and do activities with him. I just break down and cry at times during the day.

The hardest thing for me is that I know my baby would of not survived in my tube but I feel terrible that I have had to abort my baby even though at the time my baby was completely healthy just in the wrong place.

You have a right to be upset. Your a mother who has lost your baby. I tell myself that it has only been a few weeks and everyone is different. There is no time line for grief. My advice was to wait 3 months after surgery to try again, this is not just so you heal physically but emotionally too. Getting back to work may help you take your mind off thinking about what has happened. It will never go away you will remember this for the rest of your life you just need time to grieve.

Thank you so much for your reply. I know women go through this quite often and sometimes much worse than what I went through. But the feeling of loneliness is overwhelming.

I hope things get better for yourself, and I hope you do find the strength to try again if and when you want another child.

The doctor who told me to “get over it” has made things so much worse for me, as well as having to visit the hospital every week to have my bloods done.

I just want to sack this year off and start fresh. But family members are pregnant and I have this huge feeling of jealousy that I don’t want to have, because I want to be happy for my family.

X

5

Yes the loneliness is horrible. I have a big family and have never felt so alone. I don’t think anyone knows what it feels like unless they have been through the same. Everyone keeps saying “it’s okay you can try again” I know they mean well but it doesn’t help.

The doctor should never have said that to you. I went to an urgent care centre before I went to A&E and the doctor there told me that I wasn’t going to lose my baby. The doctor should never of said that to me knowing there was a pretty high chance I was. I don’t think doctors understand how much a few words can ruin a person.

I am in the same situation with family. My sister is due to have her baby in December and I was so excited but now I am dreading it. I feel so bad for thinking like that but I can’t help feeling jealous. I’m hoping I will feel different when her baby arrives.

X

6

15th May this year I found out I was carrying a baby with a man I was on and off dating with, the time I found out I was pregnant I was so stressed out with the issues with him and I did not know what I wanted to do I needed time,

All the man did was give me false hope all the time

All the weeks I knew I was pregnant it was like I could feel tiny little changes in my body not major, breast tenderness even changing and I already had some form of cravings around 4 weeks, I loved the feeling of a human being inside me and the things that was happening to my body I guess, the guy was around for a few weeks or until the time was appropriate he would disappear like most men,

May 25th

Spent most my day having stomach cramps occasionally thinking it was normal,

To a point the pain I was experiencing was unbearable I couldn’t stand up straight or even talk I was in so much pain, my mum laid me down whilst the ambulance were coming and I was going cold and having cold sweats and pain in the tips of my shoulders,

Was in hospital for quite a few hours when I was told by a doctor I couldn’t have a ultrasound scan till the next morning, he was convinced I was just having growing pains and left me to suffer 24 hours in major pain.

Next morning I woke to go to the department for the scan as they were trying to make me walk I had some kind of fit she quickly examined me and told me I need to be rushed to theatre emediatly due to a ruptured ectopic pregnancy I was so scared and horrified, I lost so much blood in my surgery.

That leaves me to the issue I now have today, the man I was on and off with ran off with no sign so I had to deal with that on top or other things and every day since then I’ve suffered with bad anxiety and panic attacks, if I see a pregnant lady or someone with a baby I feel so heartbroken asking myself what if all the time, my question is how did any of you conquer your anxiety if you did and do you have any advice will it get better ?

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Hey Chloe,

Sorry this is so late, I have only just logged in to read replies.

I hope you are feeling much better. I had bad anxiety and mixed emotions when seeing pregnant women and babies for a few months.

The last time I got upset was at work when a colleague brought his wife and newborn child in. I cried and took myself away.

I had my moment to myself, where I began thinking that I couldn’t carry on this way forever. I had a niece and grand niece on the way in 2018.

So I locked my emotions away. This is not the healthiest option and I am not encouraging you to do the same as it can be very damaging. However, this has worked for me as I have done it practically all my life. I do not talk much about my emotions, I don’t cry and I don’t share thoughts and feelings.

I am probably a psychologists worst nightmare. But it works for me.

What I am saying is that do what works for you. You will start to come to terms with whats happened and learn to manage your emotions to the point where you can stand being around pregnant women and babies.

I know this is not very helpful, but I wanted to share my experience.

Hope you’re feeling better 3 months on.

Charlotte.

x