Unexpected Emotions

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1

Hi,

I am a week post op after my left Fallopian tube was removed following an ectopic pregnancy diagnosis.

Two days after my positive pregnancy test I started bleeding which resulted in me seeking advice from the early pregnancy assessment unit.

Two weeks after finding out I was pregnant was when they found the ectopic pregnancy, I was maybe 5/6 weeks pregnant. They could see a heart beat on the scan so advised surgical resolution rather than medical.

I felt so lucky that my tube had not ruptured and dealt with the whole process of what happened pretty well in my mind.

What I never anticipated was how I would feel afterwards. I didn’t know for very long that I was pregnant yet I feel a loss. There was a heartbeat which makes me feel like I killed my baby, even though I know the pregnancy could not continue where it was and it could have been life threatening for me.

I am crying quite a lot yet feel frustrated with myself…should I be getting over this now? People are asking me how I am and I don’t whether to be honest (but then worry they think I’m pathetic) or lie and say I’m fine.

It was our first pregnancy and I feel convinced that my second one will be the same…1 in 10 doesn’t sound like very good odds to me.

I’m not sure if I’m really expecting a response to this, it’s just people say writing things down helps sometimes so I thought I would give it a go.

Thanks

2

Hey there,

Im a week post op and I couldn’t relate more to how you are feeling. It’s so nice to know that there is someone who feels the same. I’m scared also that people will see it as pathetic for me to be feeling like this due to how early the pregnancy was but I feel like I’m grieving. I found out I was pregnant on the Friday then admitted to hospital on Saturday further tests were done to be found out I had pollysistic ovaries on the Sunday. I was discharged and had repeat bloods on the Monday and they came back with my hormone levels more than doubling which would indicate a viable pregnancy which I was so happy to hear. The next day I had sever pains and was given the choice to be taken down for emergency surgery sadly I woke up after my op finding out I had lost my right tube. I was so upset and since then I can’t control the sadness I feel. Such a lot happened in the short space of time and I feel not only have I lost a baby I’ve also lost a tube and at the age of 23 with no children I feel like my chances of becoming a mother has been taken away from me as I keep thinking the worse that it will happen again.

I feel so guilty for this happening and I know it’s nothing to do with me and it couldn’t be helped but even knowing that I feel a huge flood of guilt. I feel so sad and haven’t stopped crying.

Also people keep telling me look on the bright side you still have one tube and I know that if I was speaking to someone who had this I would be saying the exact same so it’s not their fault but I can’t help but want to scream at them when they say it! I KNOW I HAVE ONE LEFT, but that’s the point I only have one and what if it happens again.

Just know that you aren’t alone. I hope hearing that your not the only one will give you some peace. X

3

Dear Ozzie2017 and Katiewoolman5,

My heart goes out to both of you. I am so sorry to hear that you’ve suffered an ectopic pregnancy and loss. You’ve both been through so much in the course of a week, and it’s entirely normal to be feeling a mix of thoughts and emotions. You’ve experienced both physical and emotional trauma, and these will take time to heal.

I’m glad you’ve found your way to these Boards. They are filled with people who are, unfortunately, bound by the experience of an ectopic pregnancy and know well the feelings that you have described. It is so natural to have questions, for doctors, of pregnancy, of how did one get here, and of how to feel. It’s so important to remember there is nothing that one could have done to stop an ectopic pregnancy, nor that one did to cause it. Our recoveries can look very different from one another and there is no set timeline.

With your surgeries so recent, it’s really important to look after yourselves. The physical healing may be faster than the emotional, and you may find yourself with more questions and more thoughts. After my ectopic, I found that journalling helped me to get all of my thoughts and feelings down. I didn’t know how to express myself to family and friends. They were trying to say the right things, but they didn’t feel right to me at the time. The journal helped me to know my own feelings, so I could share those more appropriately.

Please know that we are here for you anytime and for as long as you need. These boards are a safe space to questions, share how you are feeling, or just vent. Take all the time that you need for yourself; there is no rush in our recoveries.

With good wishes,

Michele

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?

Further information is available at http://www.ectopic.org.uk

Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.

Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.

4

Interesting you feel convinced it’ll happen again. I’m freaked out by that too. After first sex with partner after this i freaked out that the contraceptive pill won’t work and I will be back in hell at the EPAU.

Want a baby but also know I don’t have savings etc and since I live alone in an expensive area have no way of saving loads independently. That said this unplanned pregnancy and subsequent loss - at 33 - has made me broody. How to be in the ‘right’ space financially to try again? And how to face the risk of this happening again?

I’m guessing there is nothing that can be done to avoid or prevent it?! Just a roll of the dice. Scary! Glad I’m not alone x

5

Thank you for responding, it makes me feel better knowing that people understand exactly how I’m feeling but sad at the same time that we are all feeling like this.

I feel sick to my stomach to think that I won’t be able to have children and I know 65% of women go on to have a baby in the first 18 months but what if I’m in the 35%.

It took us a while to decide that we wanted to try for children, I’m 36 and we wasn’t sure whether we felt too old. Am I being punished now for being indecisive.

Even though it was only a few days for you it was still your baby and I think only people on this site will truly understand that.

6

You actually have plenty of time but I know when you’re in it it feels like you don’t. I’m suddenly feeling the same but logically when I read your situation it’s not even a question to me that you will / can conceive healthily next time.

I need to learn to press the break button for a few months bc I feel like I just want to get pregnant but I know the unprocessed emotions would probably come out in high anxiety in the pregnancy.

I’m trying to see taking care of myself - supplements, and relaxing and dealing with this as a stepping stone to a calm healthy next pregnancy. I’m so anxious though - I’m in a long distance relationship which isn’t ideal. I’m worried I’m too late to find the one who truly wants kids. We were both caught off guard by this one but would’ve embraced it albeit nervously!

So many emotions!

From the outside you can probably see that for me, I’ve got time etc and I promise you looking at your situation from the outside, you do have time and you can easily be in the 65%. Remember also some of the original people with ectopic will not have wanted to conceive and therefore would not be trying in the next 18mths. Ectopic is increased by IUD and SOME agencies (and some disagree) it can be increased by things like the morning after pill which affect the movement of the egg through the tube.

I had taken the morning after pill.

It may be that actually more % COULD conceive in the 18mths after ectopic but possibly more would but some were on IUDs or not trying in the first place.

So your chances are likely even better than the stats say! X

7

I am 6 months post ectopic and subsequent loss of my right tube. I am still experiencing grief, angst, and everything in between. Some days are better than others, but it is still hard. At first, i set these timelines of how long I should be grieving for, and then once I met that timeline, I would beat myself up for still being sad. I finally concluded that my emotions are valid and it is hard for anyone to understand the confusing emotions that follow this kind of loss. Once I came to that resolve, I realized that I don’t care if anyone judges my sadness. The sadness means it was important. Thinking of you. So glad to have found this forum to chat with shared-experienced women.

8

Hi Aboldin,

That was a really useful post. Maybe that’s the point, we should remove expectations and timelines.

I have done the same and set myself the new year, like I’ll wake up on the 1st of January and suddenly feel better.

I’ll try and eliminate that pressure, it will take how long it takes. Friends have suggested counselling but I don’t think I need that just yet.

I’m so grateful for the hospital making us aware of this organisation.

Thank you for all the posts, it’s providing comfort xxx

9

Dear aboldin,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,

Whilst feelings of grief are still only natural following ectopic pregnancy, if you feel the down days are outweighing the bad, we at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process.

We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling services.

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

It took me two years to finally talk about my feelings and the built and grief I felt was overwhelming. I too reached out to the Trust. I found comfort in reading other people’s posts. People understood how I felt and I didn’t feel so alone. I was also advised that although my feelings, like yours were completely normal, hanging onto those feelings does not help us recover. I went for counselling as advised, and in time learnt that we will never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn’t our fault.

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?

Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk

Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.

Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.

10

I to have been through a similar experience to all of you, I have been reading through several feeds and have been wondering whether to post something to. So I am going to give it a go.

I had what I thought was a normal period and then started bleeding 2 weeks later, I decided after 3 days that I would do a pregnancy test, to my surprise it was positive.

Previously I have had 2 miscarriages I then fell pregnant with my son but even this pregnancy did not go smoothly, I had to undergo several tests and investigations whilst I was pregnant only to find out that when he was born everything was ok, however 6 weeks after birth he was then diagnosed with a heart condition.

My son is nearly 4 and it has taken me this long to be ready to try again and even when we had made the decision I was still uncertain/anxious of what might happen.

It didn’t take very long for me to fall pregnant but due to the bleeding was already very anxious of another miscarriage.

I was sent to the EPU and was in and out of the unit for several days for tests.

Eventually on the Monday they rescanned me and advised that I had had an ectopic pregnancy, I was approximately 5/6weeks. Next thing I know I’m in surgery and have had my left fallopian tube removed. So within just over a week I had found out I was pregnant and had emergency surgery to remove the ectopic pregnancy, everything had happened so quickly.

I am now 5 weeks post op, physically I am fine however emotionally I am still struggling.

I am trying to distract myself with looking after my son and trying hard not to think about things however feel that I am pushing all my feelings and emotions to the back of my mind and not grieving properly.

When I do talk about it to my friends/family I always end up crying. I to worry what others think and think that should I be over it by now? I however know that everyone deals with situations in different ways and have to learn to think of myself and not what others think.

I went back to my Gp and both my Mum and Gp feel that I might need some counselling, however I do not feel ready for this or even need it, I feel that I just need time. My mother-in-law who has a counselling background advised that if I did not want to talk about it then to write it down. I then was advised of this organisation and thought this might be what I needed.

Even though I have had previous miscarriages I still did not anticipate how I would feel. Five weeks down the line I still feel very sad about my loss, my husband tries to support me but doesn’t really understand how I feel. I am struggling to come to terms with the fact I only have one tube and feel very anxious about the future.

I am so glad that this organisation is out there and that there are other people out there that feel the same and it is nice to know I am not alone.