Hello.
My name is Kylie. I’m messaging from Oz as I can’t seem to find any decent forums to join over here and found this particular website to be helpful and informative.
I suppose I want to share my story to help with my own grief and maybe to help others… here it is.
On August 12th 2017 I came home from a girlie sleep over and decided to get a pregnancy test from the pharmacy. I just had “that feeling” something was going on as my period was late.
In the toilet I awkwardly tried to pee on the stick,weeing all over my hand and seat… a couple of minutes later my Clear Blue stick said PREGNANT 2-3 weeks. I remember my breath being taken away and I clasped my hands over my mouth… still not breathing.
I took my pee stick and calmly walked into my room where Ryan was putting his jocks away and I said… I’m pregnant!
It was only then I cried with excitement and joy, Ryan came over and gave me a big hug. "I have to tell my mum "I said. She was in the living room- Ryan and I are building a house just now and living with my folks!.
I handed her the stick and she took it off me, I don’t think realising what it was and found a bright light to look at what the writing said. She gasped and her eyes filled with joyful tears, “are you ok ?” She said to me. Of course I am! and we hugged.
I managed to get into see my doctor at 1045 that morning. He confirmed I should be about 5weeks and 5 days. He told me to make an appointment in two weeks for a dating scan. His prediction due date was 9th April. Two weeks before Ryan and I were booked to Wed!! I got my first lot of bloods 5- 6 tubes! It was rediculous and the guy was pretty rough, my veins collapsed resulting in massive bruises! I looked like a junkie!
Over the moon I went into work on the Monday- tired and always busting to go to the loo. My tummy was weird the week prior to me finding out I was pregnant. I was constipated and bloated. I decided to get myself some Apricots to help me in that department.
That night I started to get some low dull cramps kind of like period pain nothing too concerning…
Tuesday I had diarrhea and thought to myself I better lay off those Apricots but it just got worse and worse. I was so gasy and blosted. My cramps were still about but I thought it was due to the diarrhea. I was in my bed fast asleep exhausted at 7:30pm
Wednesday night / Thursday morning I woke up at 1am really uncomfortable. It was low dull cramps pretty sore, heavy and targeted to one side - my right. I was on whatsapp with my best friend in the UK who is also pregnant. She said she had the same pains and it was like growing pains. This was constant though and nothing I could do/ lay made it better. I was peeing heaps, i drank lots of water to help. I ate some crackers as it was making me nauseous, tried a heat pack. Anyway this lasted until 4am where I finally went to sleep and woke for work at 6am.
Shattered I went into work on Thursday, I’m a facilitator so I really wasn’t up for delivering content. Thank goodness it was an " easy day". Walking around the classroom I still had these bad low dull cramps and it was in my lower back and under my bum too!! I took a few more steps towards the front of the class and got 3 all mighty sharp pains on my right side down to my groin. I shook it off and continued with the day still shattered.
I felt reassured that there was no spotting and kind of gave myself an internal high five everytime I went to the toilet and wiped with no blood. It was a relief cause you go into the bathroom saying… please don’t bleed please don’t bleed .You wipe and don’t bleed your like yaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssss!! Another day done.
Thursday evening my cramps subsided and I was feeling ok…probably over tired but good. I had my dinner and then went to the toilet… please don’t bleed please don’t bleed. I took my pants down and found dark red spotting on my pants. Fear overcame me and I went into panic mode…Ryan I’m spotting!What do I do?He said i don’t know I don’t know?We both grabbed our phones… he was googling what does spotting mean and I was on the phone to 24hr nurse. I talked through my symptoms throughout the week and she told me to go to A&E
From 9-2am I was in A&E they took my bloods and said my levels where at 1500. Based on my dates the doctor said the levels are too low and the pregnancy could be failing these results where more like 2-5weeks he said.Ryan piped in and said well the test said 2-3 weeks but the doctor back dated from when Kylie last had her period.
This date stuff is pretty confusing… Throughout my time in A&E i didn’t spot again. Ryan and I are hopeful I am wrong with the dates and all is well. I was put in contact with the Early Pregnancy assessment unit whom I was advised would contact me in the morning and I was discharged home.
Friday morning I hadn’t heard from the unit so I called them. I just did a pee and when I wiped it was brown! They told me to come straight down. I started to feel anxious and apprehensive but at the same time I was like - what if it’s twins! I’ve always wanted twins ! Maybe that’s why I’m getting these " growing pains" early on with some spotting.
Ryan and I didn’t speak the whole way to the clinic.
I had my first tummy scan, doc couldn’t see anything but the uterus lining was thick showing signs of pregnancy. She said my uterus was tilted backwards but didn’t go into much more detail,just that they are seeing more and more of this these days?
I was put back out in the waiting room where Ryan and I were still hopeful.
We obviously have got the dates wrong! What an idiot I am.
I finally got taken into the other room where I got the internal scan, looking at the monitor I didn’t know what to look for but at the same time I couldn’t really see anything.
They pointed the camera to the right where I found this to be rather uncomfortable and quite sore. They were talking amongst themselves and clicking and measuring this dark mass.
They then walked me through the scan. This is your bladder. This is your uterus, these are you overies…We can’t see a pregnancy in your uterus but we can see what looks to be a blood clot in your right tube. I’m sorry but it seems to be a tube pregnancy…
I just said ok… as she removed the camera she said you have old blood on the probe. Hop up put your pants on and we will get the doc in to discuss what to do from here.
I just went numb. It hadn’t sunk in. What was going on? Will everything still be ok?
We were escorted to the docs office,she wasn’t there so as we waited it started to sink in. The lump in my throat got bigger and bigger. I fought not to cry because maybe it wasn’t as bad as they said.
When she finally got into the room she asked me??? Did they find the pregnancy? I said not in my uterus it looks like it’s in my tube. I’m very sorry she says. You have a couple of options. She went on to " Sell me" the chemo drug they give you. It sounded horrendous and I was instantly put off by it so was Ryan he didn’t like the sound of it either.
My other option was surgery but she kind of skimmed over that and we felt she was pushing me towards the drug. It was as if they wanted to keep me out of hospital and free up a bed. Ryan and I had a brief chat and agreed on surgery. I have private health care over here and I’ve been paying top pregancy cover for over two years so we decided to admit me privately.
The doctor called a few gyno docs to see who could take me she kept on saying " she is opting for surgery " which started to piss Ryan and I off. We finally got a doctor and Ryan stepped outside to start making calls to our mothers and work.
By now I’m inconsolable,sobbing my heart out as it slowly splits in two. Like a slow motion pull and separation,i felt every bit.
I got sent for more bloods!!! already like a human pin cushion with bruises everywhere from previous Saturday blood test to the A&E bloods i got the night before. My arms were a mess! I had blood seeping through my jumper as I walked into the blood clinic balling my eyes out. The young guy behind the counter took one look at me as i handed him my paperwork " urgent eptopic" written at the top. He said come right in. He was so lovely. I still had tears streaming down my face. He took one look at my arms and said " my god you poor thing" he left the room and I could hear him say to his superior. " “her arms have had it!!This poor lady has been through it all. I don’t think I’ll get anything from her. She was in A&E last night why don’t they still have her bloods?” They came back to the room and found another vein where they got a minimal amount but enough.
From here I went straight to the private sector. I went to the " checkin " desk and handed over my medical cards. The lady swiped them to make sure I was fully covered and said. “All is fine ,we estimate there to be a 94.00 gap you need to cover.”
I chose to go private that’s what I wanted to do but again tears came flooding out of my eyes at the irony of having to pay to kill my pregnancy.
The lovely girl looked at me and said I’m so sorry I wish I didn’t have to do this. I said don’t worry darling I chose to come here it’s not your fault.
I was taken up to my private room which was nice to have so I could be by myself with Ryan. The nurse came in and introduced herself. She told me to rest up put my gown on and they fitted me with my TED socks- We will be back when the surgeon was ready for you Kylie.
.
Ryan needed something to do so he said. I’ll go home and get you some things.
I closed the blinds and shut my eyes. A couple of hours past Ryan called to say he was on his way back and had I heard about when I was being taken in. I said not yet, I’ll be 15 min he said. Ok see you soon i replied. As soon as i put the phone down the nurse and porters came through the door. We are ready for you now Kylie. Where is Ryan? The nurse asked?I said he is on his way back but my tears started to roll. I wasnt particularly concerned he wasn’t there more so what was about to happen… I’d be wheeled into that theatre technically pregnant and will be wheeled out not. This emotion just over whelmed me… i think I’m the type of crier that makes everyone else cry… my nurse just came running over to me and said " oh Kylie everything will be ok. I’ll come down to theatre with you" The poor porter couldn’t look me in the eye. The worst part was being on the maternity ward and being rolled past woman with their newborns and I was getting mine taken away from me. My heart broke many times this day.
I was finally in the theatre waiting room still no sign of Ryan. It turns out the nurse that took me down waited outside for him to arrive but as I was rolled through the operating doors they just got to the waiting room and missed me. On reflection I’m glad he didn’t see the state i was in.
The lights were so bright in the theatre room. I was put from my bed onto what I can only imagine a death row execution table to look like.It was super thin with panels out to the side to put your arms on. Your technically spread like christ. The anestheatist prepared my left hand and my surgeon stood over me on the right side and introduced himself… do you have any questions? I shook my head, tears running down my face… just put me to sleep I said. He grabbed my knee and said. I’m so sorry… that was the last thing I remember.
I woke to another nurse sitting to the left of me trying to wake me up. She said everything went well. I remember saying to her… but I’m still so sad. My wee girl was taken away from me. It’s so unfair. She said how did you know it was a girl?I said i just knew…
The surgeon come over and said everything went well. We are lucky to opt of surgery as my tube was about to rupture. They had to remove the right tube and found endometriosis behind the left. The left tube looks good though! My bladder was attached to my uterus so they rectifyed that also… thank god i didn’t take the meds and opted for surgery.
It has been 9 days since my surgery. I have good days and bad. The gas is horrendous I could bearly move for the first 5 days after, petrified to go to the toilet. I lost my appetite, didn’t want to put anything in my mouth. My blood pressure dropped and everytime i left my bed i was out of breath and felt faint. I was in hospital for 2 days discharged with bandages and over the counter meds.
Everyday i try to get out of the house and do something for 1 hr. Moving helps with the gas pain.
The sad thing is I still feel pregnant… i often go to another imaginary world. What if i did have twins? What if they missed the twin in my uterus and it’s still there? Maybe i still am pregnant.
I have days where I’m bitter. Bitter at the world and myself. Why me? There are druggies and horrible woman out there that don’t deserve to be a mother. I am a good person. I beleive my purpose in life is to be the best mum in the world and I had to go and be that 2% what could i have done differently? Will i be able to have children now? What if it happens again what will i do? Can i cope? Can Ryan cope?
As i mentioned we are set to marry on the 28th April. On this date our baby should have been 19 days old. We have family coming over from the UK for it but I simply can’t face having a big wedding. We will still go ahead with the ceremony but just have a party at our house instead. My best friend will be over with her 10week old. I just wished I’d have mine.
I have arranged to speak to a physiologist on the 5th September. I’mhappy to share that experience with you too.
Thankyou for listening. This is the first time I have relived the week, day by day. It was pretty brutal but good at the same time.
18/08/2017 forever in my heart 
) so I’m staying positive.