hey every1 im kinda new to this so im sorry if i say summit a bit out of place im 18 years old turning 19 very soon and instead of being happy i feel very sad in a way sorry about what i feel i lost or more sorry that it was taken away … i dont know if it helped but i called her morgan im convinced that it was a girl makes my smile to even think bout her because she was going to be perfect in ever way wiv mine and my boyfriends eyes with either his jet black hair or my chocolate brown, now ive hit a nerve that brought a tear to my eye. Thats when i usually turn the tv on or read a book or do something to distract myself but i cant keep doing that forever. Lets take a trip back i was 17 drunk at my birthday party just turn 18 when i said my period is a week late to my boyfriend we looked at each other a bit scared bracing ourselves for what we thought would follow. Next day got a test and sure enough i was pregnant we smiled at each other both knowing exactly what we wanted and held each other close … it was perfect. That night i started getting pains and we went to the hospital and saw one doctor then another and then 3 hours later got sent to another hospital other side of town without a clue as to what was going on, 4 hours and 29 minutes later i was told to “ring in 2 days after 12 and youll hear the results” fair enough i thought bit of a crappy health service (sorry) but ok 2 days later i called “test results … yes we have them … ring back in five minutes and the doctor will speak to you” ok another 5minutes wont hurt. “yes we looked at your results everything is fine your levels have gone up enough just one last test on saturday to make sure” heart pounding in my chest but smiling i ran up and hugged my boyfriend… it was just a scare all over! how wrong was i on saturday they done a scan and she mentioned it could be ectopic by she i mean that heartless so and so who got me to watch my boyfriends face turn to pure terror. i started crying already knowing what ectopic meant and my boyfriend didnt have a clue he told me “itll be fine sweetie u and the baby are fine” it kind of made things worse that i didnt tell him but i couldnt. It was fine though the doctor could “so what about the baby” her reply was just soo cold “there is no baby” his face turned to horror and he went a funny shade of gray. I couldnt face talking to him after that as they waved a disclaimer infront of me for an operation i turned it down i was just turned 18 and they wanted to take a risk of my womb being taken out no thanks i thought so i said i wanted the injection. they wanted me 2 stay in that night but as soon as my boyfriend left i wanted him, i wanted him so close to comfort me and protect me. I wanted him so close that we were one cuz i didnt want to be on my own. I needed him close to hug me and say id b ok because at that moment i couldnt console myself. He did perfect he done everything right he was there to say i would b ok he was there to comfort me, still is. So your thinking why am i here trying to talk bout something that happened a year ago, well i have to start 3 months ago i was talking to an old friend who had lost her baby 3 months before i had lost mine. she started by saying “my baby would have been 4 months old right now” bang it was like a tyson blow she started to get emotional and i ran “oh i forgot i have to go and meet my boy” it was an oh my god moment i would have had a month old baby, i would have had morgan with the brown eyes and either chocolate brown hair or jet black. Now i have been diagnosed with depression just 1 week ago because i woulded leave the house i wouldnt even go to the shop. Nothing. the doctor says to talk about my feeling so i have actualy feel a bit lifted but im a longway from the finish post and a very long way from wanting to get pregnant again, im too scared of that. I guess i want the answer i know how your feeling to be false i wanna talk to people who have been there that can relate and can help me maybe even support me a bit cause right now i feel like im learning to walk or something
Carol