Hi everyone!
I have been reading your messages since this time last year and have now decided to share my experiences with you all.
I’m 26 years old and conceived my 9 year old daughter when I was 16. I remember thinking that it was the worst thing that could ever happen to me and considered a termination but I couldn’t stop thinking, what if something goes wrong and this is my only chance to have a baby. Oh how those words ring in my ears now!
Me and Kayleighs dad split shortly after she was born and I have been with my current BF, Matt, for 5 years now. We had been trying for a baby for a year and a half when my first ectopic occurred in January last year. I didn’t even know I was pregnant, I thought my period had started but it seemed a little unusual. I bleed for longer, my breasts were a lot more painful and I just felt that something was wrong.
I finally stopped bleeding and was due for a smear test so I asked the nurse what she thought. She said that I had probably had a MC but not to worry as it would sort itself out. I was ok with that but the next day I started bleeding again. I decided to do a HPT and was shocked to see it turn positive. Part of me was so happy and Matt nearly passed out when I told him but deep down I knew it was all going wrong.
I went to the docs (I didn’t see my own) and she gave me an internal examination and said that I was miscarrying. I got upset and asked if I should take time off work to rest, all she said was “it’s your hormones, you’ll be fine”!! I took the week off work anyway and then I began feeling dizzy and really unwell but I had not had any pain. I decided to go back to the docs, luckily this time I saw my regular GP, and he sent me straight for a scan where they confirmed I had an ectopic pregnancy growing in my left tube. I was about 10 weeks. I had a laproscopy and my tube was removed, apparantly my tube was close to rupturing and I had lost a lot of blood, I was lucky they operated when they did. I was absolutely devasted, never in a million years would this ever happen to me!
Matt was great, we worked through it together and I was eager to try again. Then in December/January I fell pregnant again. I was so happy but for some reason I knew it wouldn’t be a happy ending. 2 days after the positive HPT the spotting started. I called the doctors and they told me to rest. I was in such a state the following day that Matt took me to A&E. They took my blood and arranged an appointment at the Early Pregnany Unit 3 days later but said that there was no more chance of me having another ectopic than there was for anyone else to have one.
I went to the EPU and they took another blood test. They refused a scan because they said I was only about 4-5 weeks and it was too early. That day I had had cramping and passed 2 clots. I kept reiterating the fact that I didn’t have any pain at the start of my last ectopic and I was worried it was happening again and they said they would bare that in mind.
The next day I phoned for the results and the hormone had halved which meant it must be a MC. I was relieved. I could handle a MC but I didn’t think I could take another ectopic.
I continued bleeding for another 4 weeks so I went back to the docs (again I couldn’t see my own). He said that this was quite normal but not to worry as I wasn’t in a great deal of pain.
Another 2 weeks later and I was still bleeding but then the pains started. I had shooting pains from right to left and cramping in the top part of my abdomen but I just thought that maybe I had an infection. I went back to the docs and they arranged a scan at the EPU.
I had an internal scan and waited for the results. The doc went through my history and then said those dreaded words “we can see a mass in your right tube, next to your ovary”. I felt like my whole world fell apart there and then. Matt grabbed my hand and stared at the floor. I was angry. I had first started bleeding in January and it was now the beginning of March, I had seen 4 doctors who had all said it was a MC and now they tell me it’s ectopic. I just led on the bed while she examined me and put a canular into my arm, ready for my drip. I think I was in a daze.
After a few hours they confirmed that my blood levels had only dropped a small amount since my last blood test about 6 weeks ago and they were all baffled. I had all the signs of a MC. They decided to give me Methotraxate because the pregnancy was so small (the hormone level was at about 69ish) and because I was so young and adamant I wanted another chance to try and conceive.
It’s now 3 weeks after I had the treatment and I will hopefully have my last blood test tomorrow. The bleeding has slowed right down and I can’t wait for it to stop.
Despite getting upset while I’m writing this, I think I’m coping quite well. I talk to my friends and family about everything and cry when I need to but my biggest fear is for the future. Could I really cope if it happened again, which I know there is a very high risk? What if they remove my last tube? Could I cope with IVF? Will Matt stay with me if I can’t give him a child? This time round has put a bit more strain on our relationship so would we survive if it happened again? But despite all these fears I still want to try again!
People say things like “well at least you’ve got Kayleigh” but this doesn’t make me feel any better. Yes I am lucky to have a child and I love her with all my heart but that doesn’t make losing my last 2 babies hurt any less and the thought of never having another baby again breaks my heart.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing why it’s happened. What has happened to my body since I had Kayleigh? What did I do wrong?
Me and Matt have decided to enjoy the rest of this year and completely recover from the last 12 months before we try again. Hopefully it’ll be 3rd time lucky!
Matt is running the marathon this year, I really wanted him to run for The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust but all the places were filled so he is now running for Action on Pre-eclampsia which is also a great cause.
I’m sorry this is soo long but once I started I couldn’t stop, I may as well have written a book! I hope you don’t mind.
Thanks for reading!
T xx