Hi, my name is Victoria. I have had one normal pregnancy and two ectopics. My son was born in 2003. I was pregnant within the first month of trying for him. His birth was very difficult and traumatic. I went overdue, was induced and ended up having an emergency caesarean for failure to progress. He is the light of my life but ever since his birth I’ve wanted to “do it again”, and have another chance. I know in the light of my ectopics a difficult birth sounds like nothing to worry about but it scarred me in more ways than one.
In August 2006 we agreed to start trying for a second baby, about 12 months after I started pestering my husband! I had some very light brown spotting which I assumed was implantation, on the first month of trying. The pregnancy test was faintly positive, when with my son it had been very postitive straight away. I had an idea that maybe I would miscarry this pregnancy, but put it to the back of my mind and got on with being excited.
About 6 weeks pregnant I went out for a family day and got some odd stretching pains in my right side, low down near my leg. I thought it might be adhesions from my caesarean, and the pains went away. I actually looked up ectopic pregnancy symptoms because my godmother had an ectopic, and as the pains had gone completely I guessed there was no way it could be that. I assumed they would be severe and constant.
10 days later I was 7 and a half weeks pregnant, and was getting ready to go to work that night. I still felt the pregnancy wouldn’t last in some way, and thought I might be about to miscarry (although I had only had 2 more episodes of extremely light brown spotting). I felt a little “odd” and went upstairs to the loo. I suddenly had excruciating pain over my whole stomach, and collapsed to the floor. My husband came up and found me grey on the floor, covered in sweat. He phoned for an ambulance. I threw up all over the ambulance driver when she arrived. I heard my son saying he didn’t want to go to a friends house, which my husband was organising. I managed to walk out to the ambulance past my son, unable to talk to him. In the ambulance I threw up over and over again and started to feel very sleepy. By the time I got to A&E I was in an out of consciousness, although I kept saying that I was making a fuss about nothing and would be fine. The ambulance technician told the doctors that my BP was low, but it was so low she thought the machine must be broken. I heard them saying “straight to resuss, now”. Then a rub on my chest as they woke me from unconsciousness. Then a stabbing pain in my right side as they tried to get blood from the vein in my leg. Then a doctor catheterising me and doing a pregnancy test and saying it was negative. I don’t know when my husband arrived, but he started telling them that I definitely WAS pregnant. The doctor said she thought it was ectopic. I begged her to scan me rather than take me to theatre, but she said there wasn’t time. I signed the form without looking, and was taken to theatre. They did the anasthetic right in the theatre itself and my husband was with me. I just remember feeling I would never see my boy again, and that I hadn’t even said goodbye. I was saying over and over “tell him I love him”. I wanted that to be my last words.
Afterwards they told me I had 2 and a half litres of blood in my abdomen. I was very lucky to have lived.
Recovery was very slow and I was only back to work 4 months later. I had panic attacks and anxieties about everything, from global warming to imagining my son being bullied when he’s older. Suicide was in my thoughts.
We decided not to try again until April because emotionally I was in such a bad place. Then in February I had some odd spotting and did a test. I had got pregnant whilst using contraception. It was a faint positive, and I had pains in my left side, and tried not to get too hopeful. I couldn’t help but think “maybe it will be ok”, it would be the miracle that would make everything ok. It wasn’t. I had blood tests which were completely normal but at 5 weeks and 4 days my second ectopic was removed from my left tube. That baby would have been due around my son’s birthday. Why couldn’t it have been?
That was 3 months ago and I’m now on my first cycle of IVF. I’ve chosen natural cycle and it looks like it’s going to fail.
I don’t know how to express the misery of the last year. These were the best years of my life. I have loved being a mother more than anything I have ever done. I’m a good mum. But I’m wasting these years, these precious early years with my boy, in hospitals and clinics, while he wants me home with him. Should I just give up?
It’s helped writing this down.