I cant cope.

Other Pregnancy and Baby Loss
1

I really need some sort of support or help or something please.

My story.

On thursday 25th october 2012 after suspecting i was pregnant for a while a positive pregnany test!!! I had gone to see my GP on 24/10/12 for bloods as any other urine test was negative! I was so happy but also so scared. I had suffered two previous miscarrages 2009 and 2011. When i told my partner he alao seemed a little scared to, but for some reason i made him promise he’d be their no matter what.

After a few days i started to get excited i was around 8/40 so not ‘safe’ but getting their. It was my soms birthday on the sunday 28/10/12 so he had a party on the saturday, my partner and i went out to a car show on the saturday night. Sunday evening we came home. I had slight back pain in the 2 hour drive home but this was nothing as i sometimes get pains due to an old spine fracture.

5 mins from home i needed a wee! But i decided id be ok till i got home, walked in the door and rushed to the loo. Wheni ‘wiped’ their was blood! So i started to panic. I decided to go and get checked out!

I drove the 10 mins to hospital leaving my partner at home with the kids 8&4. I got to hospital and they took blood asked questions ect. And said they wanted to check to see if i needed to go over to the other hospital. The 2nd hospital decided i needed to go over, before leaving i went to the toilet again. No blood!

I decided to drive over as it wasnt that far and i was in no pain.

Attended the early pregnancy unit, internal check, ultrasound… They said their was fluid on my left side… But on the internal everything was ok. The doctor told me i have more than likely miscarried. But they wanted to keep me over night. I know he is a doctor but i kept telling him i hadnt i dont know why but it felt different this time. But he wouldnt listen.

Monday 29/10/12 inwas sent down for a ultrasound around 1115am they could not see anything on the ultrasound so decided it was best for an internal ultrasound, this revield i was infact 8/40 and the baby was alive and had a very strong heartbeat. But it was in my left tube and my tube was at bursting point.

Straight away i knew what this ment. Their i was left in a waiting room knowing i had to loose my baby and no one seemed to care.

I returned to the ward and another doctor came to see me, i was made sign papers to agree to surgery to have my baby removed, they suggested i may loose my tube and anything else the deemed nessacery. But they made me wait 4 hours because i had a mouthful of fizzy drink while awaiting my scan.

It was the longest hours of my life, my partner had to leave to take the boys to my mums a 4 hour round trip so he could be with me. I wanted to rip the line out my hand and leave the hospital i felt sick!

At 1715 a porter came to take me up to surgery, i cried all the way their. I spoke to the staff and the reasured me everything would be alright.

I lay in the OPerating room crying, as the put the drugs into my had to knock me out the tears were running down my face, i remember putting my hand to where my baby was and saying sorry.

I came round a bit later on. Everything was fuzzy i needed oxygen. I was taken back to the ward. I dont remeber the rest of that day.

30/10/12 i woke up at 0200 in agony and in tears. I just wanted to be at home. I waited untill after 1100 for a doctor to come and tell me they had taken my baby and my left tube. Tried to show me pictures of my insides and then left!

She hardly told me anything. I pushed to be allowed home. I managed to get dressed and walk it was sheer agony but i did it just so i could go home.

Last week i called the surgons office to find out more information on what had been done with me, i was told by his secatery that my tube and my Baby had been sent off for testing and he was on holiday and will contact me when he gets back! I was horrified to find out they had sent my baby off for testing. No one asked me i hadnt agreed to that!!!

I was so angry and upset. I now have an appointment to see him 26/11/12.

But im struggling. I cant sleep, i cant eat, i cant pick my kids up, i hate being on my own, i hate being near people. I just dont want to do anything.

Ive tried by goin to do my car the thing i love the most and it feels like i just cant be bothered.

I feel like i agreed to killing my own unborn baby. It haunts me eveyy second of every day. No one seems to understand.

My partner although hes greaving for our baby has no idea how i feel. I keep snapping at him and i dont mean to but i cant help it, it seems like he’d rather be at work than at home. Some nights he sleeps downstairs, some nights he wont even cuddle me. I just cant cope. I know i shouldnt and i know i have two lovely boys to look after and care for but i lay here at night when i cant sleep thinking of ending my own life. I mean what kind of parent agrees to ending the life of their own baby? I’m an awful person and i cant live with myself. I did get an appointment to see my doctor for help. I even done it when my partner is off work as i cant take my 4tr old with me, he wouldnt let me talk or anything. I told my partner i had the appointment for him to tell me he’s working. It was supposed to be his day off. So now i have to wait another full week of feeling like this before i can get some help and i think its going to be too late.

It seems like im falling into a big black hole and i cant get out i just keep falling further and further.

All i want is some help!

2

Hi honey,

I’m not such a regular on these boards as I used to be, but I dropped by and happened to read your post.

Firstly, I’m so sorry for all that you’ve been through. And I’m sorry you haven’t had a reply to your cry for help yet… This particular section of the forum is a bit quiet, you may find you get more of a response if you post in the main section. The ladies on this board are all so wonderfully supportive, it has got me through some hard times.

I am really, really sorry that you had an ectopic pregnancy, and that the doctors didn’t handle your situation with a little more sensitivity. Sadly, this is something that seems to happen all too often. In medical terms, an ectopic pregnancy is treated as a life-threatening medical condition, and sometimes doctors don’t see it as more than that. But to me, and to you, our ectopic pregnancy was a much wanted baby, and it’s a shame when doctors don’t appreciate how hard it is for us to let go of that pregnancy. To us, it wasn’t just a medical emergency - it was the hope of a new life.

I know there is a lot of guilt about ‘ending’ your pregnancy. But the sad truth is that you simply had no choice. An ectopic pregnancy that implants in the fallopian tube cannot survive. It is doomed from the moment it implants there. It’s impossible to understand why these things happen, but from the moment it finds itself in the wrong place, it simply cannot live. I know it must make it harder to accept when you have seen a heartbeat, but that baby would eventually have stopped growing. It just couldn’t survive. And had you left nature to its own course, there is every probability that not only would your baby have died, but you also may not live to tell the tale. So there really is no option. It wasn’t your choice. You didn’t end the life of your baby - the ectopic pregnancy did.

Knowing that your ectopic pregnancy could not have grown into a baby doesn’t make it any less painful, though. It doesn’t mean you wanted that baby any less, and just because you had no choice, it doesn’t make it any easier to accept, I know.

With regards to sending your tube and baby off for testing, I’m sorry that the doctors didn’t explain this to you. I believe it is standard procedure in all cases of removing an ectopic pregnancy via surgery. They are testing to make sure that the pregnancy that was growing hadn’t developed any cancerous cells, as I understand it. They want to make sure that it was ‘just’ a baby growing, and nothing that could threaten your health further. I’m sorry if that sounds callous. Of course it wasn’t ‘just’ a baby that was growing as far as you are concerned. But I’m afraid the doctors see it that way.

I really hope there is someone out there who can offer you the support you need. Please don’t be afraid to come back and talk through whatever you need to here. The ladies here are amazing and we all understand what you are going through. Nobody will judge. I’m sorry your post wasn’t seen sooner, it’s just a quiet area of the board, but I know that there are lots of people out there who can help and support you. We know how you feel.

I know it is devastating to lose a much wanted pregnancy in these circumstances. It truly isn’t your fault. Nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome. Please don’t feel guilty… and although it sounds like a cliché… it does get easier with time. You never forget, and you will always feel sorrow for the baby you lost, but time does help.

Please do come back and let us know how you’re getting on.

I will keep checking in for you.

Hugs.

xxxxx

3

Sorry if I have worried you, I think I’ve misused the word ‘cancerous,’ and wanted to correct myself. They are checking for abnormalities that can, in rare cases, lead to cancerous cells, but I don’t fully understand the procedure. I do know tissue is always checked in case it shows anything unusual, but they are not directly looking for cancer.

(I must check my terminology in future - sorry I am not an expert, I just didn’t want your post to be overlooked).

4

Hi Shibhon,

I’ve just come out of hospital following my 2nd ectopic pregnancy. My first I was rushed in as it has ruptured and was about to kill me. This time I found out I was pregnant on Sunday night, went to docs Monday who sent me for scan first thing Tuesday morning as he knew my history and previous ectopic. When they did the scan they couldn’t decide what was going on until they took my bloods. My hcg was 5000 and I was called straight back in.

They then decided I was to stay in and they re-took my bloods on Thursday morning where my hcg levels had jumped to 6200. They decided that I had to go to surgery that afternoon and this time I had to sign the consent form.

I feel the same as you, that I signed willingly to lose my baby, when in reality, although timing could not have been worse, after my first ectopic I swore I would keep any child I fell pregnant with.

I was taken down to surgery and I was fortunate that the staff remembered me from 9 months ago when I was rushed in with my first ectopic. When I came round they took me back to ward and made sure I was ok. I had 2 very very good friends waiting there for me so was left (apart from obs and food) until the morning.

This morning my doctor and surgeon came in and explained what had happened and that they had been unable to save my left tube. I was 6/7 weeks gone, same as last time but fortunately it was in a bigger part of the tube so caught earlier than last time.

The staff knew I needed time so let me go wandering around the hospital this morning and sent me home this evening, knowing it would make me a lot worse being there on a ward with other women who are pregnant.

So I’ve got to come to terms with the fact that at 24 I’m now infertile. I’m fortunate that I have a 4yr old who is currently with his dad.

It’s so hard when you have to sign consent for the op as it feels like your almost giving the child up willingly, but I would never have done that, no matter what the circumstances.

I know how hard it is and to an extent how your feeling.

Have you been offered councilling? I am going back to my GP Monday and demanding it, after losing both tubes in just under 9 months I’m really struggling to come to terms with it.

Hope you can get something from this, and you get the support you need and deserve. No-one understands how difficult it is to come to terms with an ectopic unless you have already been through it.

xxxxxx

5

Hi,

Im really hoping that by talking to people who have been through the same thing may help me as im not coping well at all either. I seem to find that if you talk to people that have not been through it they have know idea how your feeling and seem to think its as easy as forgetting about what happened.

A couple of weeks ago i took a pregnancy test and it came back positive so to make sure i took another three and again all positive. I was so happy as i had wanted to have a baby for a while. I told my partner and also my parents and we were all so happy about the news. Two days later i woke up during the night in so much pain and my partner took me to hospital. I found out during a scan that i had an ectopic pregnancy. The next day i had key hole surgery to remove the pregnancy.

I now feel completely empty and i blame myself. i always wonder if there was anything i could have done to prevent it from happening. All i seem to do is cry and everything reminds me of the baby that i am now not going to have. The hospital were not very conpasionate about it all and acted as though it was not a big deal even though i was sitting there hysterical. I was not made aware of what to expect after the surgery and i was not offered any kind of support. I can sleep properly and often i fall asleep because i have cried so much i feel drained and then a few hours late i will wake up again. I feel myself stressing out when i see a baby or child when im out side and it hurts so much that do not have that.

Im 26 and i have wanted a baby for so long. They removed one of my tubes during the surgery which makes me worried that it is going to be extremely hard for me to conceive in the future and i am scared that i will have another ectopic. I want this pain to go away and i want to stop crying and feel happy again.

Leigh

6

Hi Leigh,

Sorry for your loss and it’s hard for all of us. I had this problem in March, I had no idea I was pregnant but had said I wanted another and my son was asking for a brother or sister. I had excrutiating pains and after calling an ambulance many times and them refusing to send someone out, I thought it cant be anything major and went on about my day as normal (while in this pain) Luckily I got a docs appt for that evening who did a pregnancy test and sent me straight to hospital where I was (not over exagerrating) fighting for my life. They operated first thing the following morning and I buried my head in the sand about the whole thing until August when I was taken to see my grandparents memorials and old house.

Then 2 weeks ago after having some very strange symptoms, I decided to do a test to rule out pregnancy and to my absolute shock and delight it came back positive. Following morning straight to docs and he got me a scan for the next morning to make sure it was all ok. As soon I got to the hospital (same one as my first ectopic) I had a gut feeling something wasn’t right. During the scan my fears were confirmed, a second ectopic. They kept me in from Tuesday night and operated Thursday afternoon, resulting in me losing both my tubes.

My friends have been great and trying to be understanding, but it’s so difficult when they don’t know and have never been through it. I’m now trying to get over the loss of 2 little angels and the fact I’ll never naturally have a child (I’m only 24) but am so grateful everyday for my son.

The more I talk on these message boards and others, the easier I’m finding things. I still have days when I scare myself at how angry I get when nothing has set it off, and days when I just want to curl up in a ball and cry and be left alone.

My biggest gripe has been and always will be (until something is done about it) is awareness, it’s not very documented and it’s something I feel children should learn in sex ed. They learn about all the other things that could potentially kill them, so why not this as well.

I hope we all somehow deal with our grief and although we will never be fully over it or moved on, we get to a stage where we can start to live life a bit more normally, and we can support each other and in some way raise awareness.

Sorry I went on a bit

xxxxxx

7

Reading through your post I feel like it could of being me speaking. I found the doctors and nurses very unsympathetic. My In laws were balaming me as they did not understand…and there was no where to turn. No one I knew had an Ectopic, or even lost a baby. There was all of what you described, loss , guilt.

Slowly I cam through it. I still mourn. I mourn that no one will love my baby only me.

I named the baby. S/he was just 7 weeks. I knitted a hat and Booties, and some time I am hoping when I can (have my own home) to plant a tree for her/him. That will be their mark on this world…to show they existed…I only knew I was pregnant for 2 days, and was told same moment it was Ectopic. I had bleeding around period due (which I seem to explain to EVERYONE) and then a pause before pain and more bleeding.

It has being 6 months now. We are only starting to semi try again…but I have the same fear that It will be an Ectopic Pregnancy and I will loose the remaining tube. No one explained WHY it happened. I had a HSG a 2 years previous and a Laproscoptomy, because I was TTC and seeing a fertility expert…he said I had PCOS so did Ovarian drilling. That HSG was clear…After the EP and Salypindectomy I had a HSG and the remaining tube was clear…This did put me slightly at ease…but reading the replies about second EP really shook me

I will say this. While I was in hospital,they kept me in for 4 days, a woman who was just married came in. She was only 4 weeks. She died that same day from the EP. We are the ones that survived. Live for that baby. Keep their memory alive if nothing else. Yes I agree more awarenes HAS to be made. No one realises how dangerous it is. I was giving two weeks to live if I had not of gone to hospital. My OBGYN actually sent me HOME and told me come back in 10 days, or if severe pain…a day later I had severe pain and we went to straight to Hospital.

Khedegah xxxx