My story

Sherrie-ann · 15 February 2017 17:18

Just wanted to share my story as I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to.

So March 2012 I found out I was pregnant, I was overjoyed. Within a week I started bleeding. Had it checked out and had a scan at the hospital and they couldn’t see anything but they thought it was just too early to tell.

Theach nurse told me to return if I started getting pains in my shoulders. When I got home that evening the pains began and I was rushed into hospital.

And within an hour I was having an operation. When I woke up in the recovery ward the first thing the nurse showed to me was a coloured picture of my stomach which was full of blood which isn’t the nicest thing to see… and I became extremely upset… then I she told me they removed the pregnancy. The worse thing about it I didn’t actually know what an ectopic pregnancy was… I was never told so I didn’t realise I was loosing my baby. I had my left tube removed and was told my right looked perfectly fine and would be able to have a baby in the future.

Anyway to cut it short… months after I split with my boyfriend this pregnancy destroyed Me I was no longer myself and I never got over my lost baby.

Now I’m 25 and I’ve been with my partner for 2 and a half years, we have always tried for a baby weve never had protected sex so with it being two yeara we started to think there was something wrong with us and that we couldn’t have kids. We were going to book in to see a doctor.

When the end of January I started bleeding I thought it was my period but it didn’t seem right I usually suffer really bad but with this the bleeding was very light and more of a pinkish colour and I had no pain. My boyfriend started researching and he was the one saying I’m pregnant and that it sounds like implementation bleeding. That night I took 2 pregnancy tests, they were positive. We were both over the moon! But then I started to worry and I couldn’t be happy until I knew everything was OK.

I started getting sharp stabbing pains in my right side of my stomach… and one night I was in so much pain I got taken to a and e… after 7 hours I was transfered to another hospital where I had an internal examination… the doctor sounded positive and said that everything looked fine but sent me for a scan and for my bloods to be retake to see if my hormone levels has risen.

The scan showed a sac at the top of my womb. And my hcg levels were high… I had to go back the next day for more blood tests.

Mid day I had a call from the nurse. She sounded so happy on the phone saying my hormone level had doubled so everything was looking positive and heading in the right direction. I was so happy! Tears of joy rolled down my face! I was booked in for a scan a week later so that week I went about life so happily finally I’m going to have my little family!

So I went for the scan… lay on the bed and the nurse was taking her time… I began to get nervous. She then said she needed to use a camera so I agreed… after what felt like a life time she put her hand on my leg and there were the words… ‘I’m so sorry from the scan today it looks like an ectopic pregnancy’

I started screaming, howling into my moms shoulder… this couldn’t be happening to me not again! I wanted this baby so much… and to make it worse she told me there was a heart beat! I was devastated heartbroken…

And withing 5 hours I was taken into surgery I was saying goodbye to my baby…

So on the 9th February 2017 theu removed the pregnancy… and managed to save my tube… I was in hospital for 3 days… now back home resting… having so much time to think about things.

I’ve named my baby… from the day we took the test we were convinced we were going to have a girl… a little princess… my little esmae <3

Two ectopic pregnancies I can’t cope I didn’t think heartache excited until this happened.

Ive blocked every one out who has babies…

All the people I know who are pregnant… I can’t face the outside world I fear that I’m going to scream at someone.

My boyfriend is my rock and is so strong for me.

But I’ve lost all hope. I’ve lost my appetite, I can’t sleep, I just want to crawl up in a ball in a dark room a cry until I cant cry anymore!

I haven’t got a friend to turn to. And my family seem to have forgotten and moved on already. I can’t:(

I need help so sorry for rambling on. Xxx

EPT_Host_20 · 19 February 2017 20:18

Dear Sherrie-ann,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancies and losses, to lose one baby is hard enough, to lose two is truly heartbreaking and my heart goes out to you.

When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.

Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and I will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need. Stress can manifest itself in many ways including affecting your eating habits and wellbeing and if your low mood continues, I would suggest speaking to your doctors to ensure you get the help you need.

We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. Soon after my ectopic pregnancy, I had to attend a family event and a close family member was pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It’s what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need.

The feelings you describe are very understandable. After a frightening ordeal like ectopic pregnancy, some women find that they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress and symptoms can include anxiety and not being able to focus on everyday things like work. There are a number of avenues that you could look into to get the help that you need.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask me any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling.

We have information on our website about finding counselling services.

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

There is no time frame for how long it takes us to heal emotionally and it is completely normal to feel anxious about the future. We will never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn’t our fault.

Sending much love,

Karen x

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?

Further information is available at http://www.ectopic.org.uk

Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.

Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.

Sherrie-ann · 28 February 2017 01:12

Thank you so much for replying.

I have no one to talk to as I’m struggling to cope everyone else is going on like nothings happened.

I’m really struggling. Days like this hit me harder… Its the second time I’ve had to go back to the epu for blood test so they can make sure my hormone levels drop back down to 0. But sitting in that waiting room and walking through maternity is heartbreaking knowing that them people looking at me have still got life inside of them.

I cant sleep, I have no appetite. I’m just eating because I know I have to.

Today was really bad though all I could think about was being on my own with a bottle of vodka that’s all I wanted

Sorry I probably shouldn’t say it on here but I just need to share my feelings.

All I want is a family and I’m scared that this isn’t going to happen.

Alin · 28 February 2017 07:50

Sherrie- Ann

I am so sorry you have gone through this it sounds absolutely horrific for you. Although I don’t know what to say as I am suffering the same thing as you and have just found out my stepson and his girlfriend are having a baby. I have the same feelings as you I hope you find the peace you need. I am glad your boyfriend is supportive I think that’s very important. Hang in there and know someone else is thinking of you

EPT_Host_20 · 28 February 2017 09:27

Dear Sherrie-ann,

I too found it incredibly hard going back to the EPU for my follow up blood tests, seeing smiling faces when all I wanted to do was cry was unbearable.

I found the emotional side of losing my baby really hit me once I had stopped attending the EPU and I had time to stop and think about what had happened.

Remember you are grieving and it is perfectly normal to feel low during this time. There is no time frame for recovery and as you say some days are easier than others.

As someone who has experienced ectopic pregnancy, I can reassure you that it does get better but sadly cannot give you a time frame for when this will be as we all grieve differently.

As a gentle reminder, there is no time frame for how long it takes us to heal emotionally and it is completely normal to feel anxious about the future. We will never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn’t our fault.

If your low days start to outweigh the good ones or if you do find yourself using more alcohol to numb the pain, please do speak to your Dr, they and us will all be here for you.