Hi.
My name is Chel and I have a little problem at the moment - I’m having difficulty sleeping at night because I constantly going over and over what has happened to me over the past few weeks. Id like to write my story here in the hope that tonight I will get a goodnight’s sleep.
I found out I was pregnant on July 5th (4wk 3d), my husband and I were very surprised at how quickly it had happened (we had only got married in May and I had just come off the pill beginning of June!) but we were absolutely delighted to become parents for the first time. Every day that passed we followed on the internet the progress off our ‘little pip’, began to plan for the future and we even spoke about names. We decided to tell our parents as we were so excited, they too were surprised at the speed it happened but very happy for us!
I had been having dull backache for 2 weeks prior to BFP test which continued but now I also started having tender breasts and the need to pee - what seemed like every 5 mins, lol!
On the Tuesday of the following week (5wk 4d) I woke up feeling very groggy - which I put down to morning sickness but my back pain was now only on the right side and was a piercing pain, I also had some sharp pains in my right abdomen. I was worried about these pains, but tried not to panic as I was meeting the midwife the next morning so thought I’d ask her about it. At 2pm that afternoon I was at work walking down the corridor and I felt a trickle (sorry if TMI) I went to the toilet and was horrified to see a brown stain in my pants, when I wiped it was a brown watery substance. I immediately called the midwife who advised that I took myself to A&E. My husband was working 100 miles away so I called my Mom to come meet me. When we arrived at A&E I was seen straight away, they did routine checks - urine sample, blood pressure etc. I was seen shortly after by one of the Dr’s who said the urine sample showed a faint positive at which point I began to worry a little as I knew this probably wasn’t a good sign. He said that there was a possibility that I was having a ectopic pregnancy given that the pain I was experiencing was one sided, he also mentioned that it could be a ‘phantom pregnancy’ which made me think he thought I was mad, so quite frankly I wanted to slap him!! He referred me to the EPAU and I was taken over straight away (by now its 4pm). I had not had any further bleeding since 2pm and now I just had brown discharge on wiping (sorry again if TMI!) EPAU took my bloods. The registrar Dr felt my tummy and performed an internal examination. She said that she felt it was not an ectopic as the pain I was experiencing was mild and too high up in my abdomen. The nurses in EPAU were reassuring and explained that light bleeding in early pregnancy can be quite common and told me to try not to worry (easier said than done eh?!). I was asked to phone the next morning for the results of my blood test and to come back for repeat bloods in 48hrs, I was sent home with the advice that if I had any further pain or bleeding to go to A&E.
I telephoned the next morning for my results and was told my hcg was 354, I knew immediately this was very low, although again the nurse tried to reassure me and said that without the result of the 2nd blood test we should not jump to any conclusions (again easier said than done!). My husband was very positive and tried to encourage me not to research anything on the internet as I would only worry. I spent the next 32hrs talking to my little pip, telling him/her how much I loved s/he, praying that s/he would stay with me. In the 48 hrs, I had no bleeding and the discharge had stopped, I did have neckache (still not sure if this was related) and an episode of light headiness but the most worrying thing was that all signs of pregnancy had gone, no tender breasts, no frequent trips to the loo, I knew this was not a good sign. I returned to the hospital as requested for another hcg test and told them the symptoms I had since my last visit, they seemed a little concerned and said they would get the results back that evening and would call me, they never said anything about ectopic but in the back of my mind I knew this was a concern.
That evening the nurse contacted me and told me my hcg was now 391 so it hadn’t doubled and this was not a good sign for a ‘viable’ pregnancy as it hadn’t even increased by 60% (the lowest increase in 48hrs for a ‘viable’ pregnancy). She asked me to come in the following day for a scan and asked if I would have just a small breakfast incase I needed any further investigations following the scan - again ectopic was not mentioned but it was pretty obvious to me that she was meaning a laporoscopy. I put the phone down and burst into tears, my husband didn’t know what to say and tried to remain positive but I think I knew then from that moment that my little pip was not going to growing into a beautiful baby.
My husband and I went to the hospital the next morning (6 wk), I prayed I would see my little pip on the screen but I had a feeling they wouldn’t see anything as my hcg was too low. Sure enough the consultant said he could not find anything in my uterus or my tubes/ovaries on internal scanning but put this down to my low hcg. He told us that he felt I was having a failed pregnancy and said to expect the miscarriage to happen soon. My husband and I were devastated, our first baby, our plans, our future - our dream, all gone in the space of 10 minutes. I was asked to return to EPAU in 5 days for a repeat blood test and was told that the hcg would probably begin to drop. We left the clinic in a daze, I couldn’t think straight and my husband was confused. I couldn’t and didn’t want to speak to anyone so he had the job of informing parents and he also began telling our friends what had happened as I knew they would begin to suspect something was wrong. I couldn’t go back to work because I didn’t know what to expect, I still wasn’t bleeding and my worst fear was being at work and suddenly being caught short or doubled up in pain, I also didn’t want the questions as the last time I was there I had rushed off in the middle of the afternoon and all I had said to my colleagues was that I had to go to hospital. So I spent the week at home, mentally torturing myself with the ‘why me’ and ‘what if’ etc.
I continued to have backache and the odd pain in my right abdo but still no other signs of a miscarriage. I returned to EPAU 5 days later (6wk 5d) for another blood test, I explained I had not had any symptoms of a miscarriage and asked if there was any way to speed the process up, now I know this sounds awful but I’d spent a week at home torturing myself and if I was miscarrying like the Dr suspected I was, then I just wanted the experience to be behind me, more so that my husband and I could look forward and most importantly start trying again. I was told that nothing was clear at the moment and we needed to wait for today’s result, they said it would be back that afternoon. When I rang back that evening I was shocked to learn my hcg had increased to 1080, again I knew this was low but why had it increased? I was asked to go into the hospital 2 days later for another scan. Me and my husband didn’t say it out loud but I know we both hoped for a miracle and that we would see our little pip growing in my belly. Sadly this wasn’t so, I had the internal scan (7wks) and nothing could be seen in my uterus or my right tube/ovary, although I did have discomfort when scanning that side, my left tube/ovary couldn’t be seen thanks to my IBS as there was too much bowel gas(!!) I lay there looking at the blank screen and I broke down, this consultant said I was ‘a mystery’ but her gut feeling was that I had miscarried, however she said she couldn’t rule out an ectopic. I was by now in floods of tears and asked what could be done to ‘speed’ things up, I had my first symptom over a week ago and I couldn’t take it (I am naturally quite impatient). The consultant talked about the methotrexate injection and offered to give it me that day but my husband did not like the sound of it and worried about its side effects and to be honest I had experienced some light spotting that morning, so after much discussion we decided to take the ‘expectant management’ route and hope that nature had begun to take its course. We agreed that I would have my bloods taken that day and I know it sounds terrible but I really began to hope that my hcg would have dropped. That afternoon I began to bleed -a watery red consistency, not heavily, but consistently (sorry if TMI). I had a phonecall that evening from the nurse at EPAU who said my hcg was now 1200+, I couldn’t believe it. She said she had spoken to two consultants who said they were ‘baffled’ and felt that the only way to see what was happening was for me to have a laporoscopy but as I wasn’t symptomatic and it was a Friday afternoon they would review me on Monday, I was advised to go straight to A&E if I had any pain over the weekend. I spent the weekend in another daze, family and friends starting to ask questions - as they were obviously confused by it - but we couldn’t answer as we were just as confused! I began to feel a little bit stupid and paranoid that people were beginning to think I was making it up, especially people that had experienced a miscarriage, because mine was nothing like what they had experienced. I started to shut it out and not speak about it to anyone other than my husband and my Mom. I had experienced some abdo pains but I couldn’t be sure whether it was related to this or to my IBS. My backache had eased though so that was a positive I thought.
I spoke to EPAU on the Monday, by which point I was still bleeding - a little heavier now - so I believed I was in the full swing of a miscarriage. I decided I would go in on the Wednesday for repeat bloods as I was sure the longer I left it the more likely I was to see the hcg levels drop.
I decided to return to work as I was getting really low being at home and spent hours wondering ‘why’ and ‘what did I do wrong’. Work probably wasn’t a good idea as I had to face questions about why I was off and what was wrong with me and to be completely honest I wasn’t sure, I mean my body was still producing pregnancy hormones so technically I was pregnant but there was no baby in my uterus, I kept my head down and got my work done, although I now had some strange stomach pains and a bearing down feeling in my bottom (sorry TMI!)
I went back to the hospital on the Wednesday (7wk 5d) for my blood test, I had a good chat with the nurse and she agreed that it sounded like I was now miscarrying and we both were positive my results would now begin to drop. Its a horrible thing to wish a miscarriage on yourself, but by now I knew there was no chance that my little pip would make it, so me and my husband’s main focus was to move on and TTC again.
That evening I was horrified to learn that my hcg was now 2180. I agreed to go back the next day for another scan. I discussed with my husband and said that if I were offered methotrexate I would accept it, he was still concerned but could see that I needed to get some closure on this.
My husband couldn’t get off work so my Mom and I went to the hospital the next morning (7wk 6d) and I had an abdo scan and an internal scan - both showing nothing! My frustration was beyond belief now!!
The consultant who I saw this time was concerned and slightly confounded, he said that I had been put through enough now over the past 2½ weeks so he wanted to perform a laporoscopy to see what was happening. We did discuss the methotrexate injection, however after having an internal examination which resulted in me nearly jumping off the bed from the pain in my right side they felt it was better to go down the surgical route.
I was operated on that afternoon, they found my little pip attached to my right tube so they took pip and part of my tube away.
That was 2 weeks ago, physically I am making a good recovery, my wounds are healing well - although my stitches are yet to dissolve! Mentally, I have good days and bad days. I lie awake most nights thinking about what has happened and wondering why (the Dr’s found no cause why it was ectopic), I also worry about ever getting pregnant again and wonder if I’ll ever become a Mommy. I try to be as positive as possible, I mean I have a clear left tube so hopefully that’s in working order and it would appear that my husband and I are quite fertile given that we got pregnant so quickly, but it is hard to stay positive all the time.
I am hoping to go back to work next week as I feel I need some ‘normality’ back in my life, I’m nervous and dread the questions as well as the sympathy (this is likely to make me cry). I haven’t had counselling and so far don’t think I need it.
I am very lucky to have a loving husband, fantastic family and great friends, but sometimes I feel alone. This website is a godsend, its so nice to know I am not alone and there are others out there that feel the same as I do.
My husband tries to understand and has been great considering for the first few days I was horrid and tried to blame him, I think he realised I needed to blame someone/something and also that I wanted him to feel how I felt, I was lucky that he could see why I was behaving like this, his main concern had always been me and my well being, especially when I had to have the op.
One thing I have found particularly difficult, is knowing that my little pip was taken away from my body (I decided to let the hospital keep anything they found but have comfort knowing pip will be blessed and ‘cremated’). I find it hard to grieve though, I feel like I’ve lost someone I love but have nowhere to go to mourn or pay my respects, so my husband did a wonderful thing and bought an orchid in memory of our little pip, a lovely tribute I feel, I see it everyday and know our little pip wont be forgotten.
I feel so much better for writing this down, and hope that it will now help me to get some much needed sleep, you know what they say, a problem shared is a problem halved.
Thank you for reading and lots of love x x