My husband and I have not used any sort of contraception for over 5 years. I struggled with feelings of inadequacy and for a long time I would be so jealous of women who were pregnant and shy away from babies because it brought up painful feelings. There were times when I would break down when I did get my period. I kept telling myself that everything happens for a reason, and while I’m not a religious person I would tell myself that God knows that we are not ready for a baby and that when the time is right it would happen. I finally gained the strength to talk to someone about it so in November we went to the OB to discuss fertility. They doctor ordered for me to have an ultra sound, a blood test on the third day of my cycle, and for my husband to have a semen analysis. I immediately scheduled the ultra sound and the tech told me that I had a normal uterus and plenty of eggs. This was such a relief, on to the next test I thought. The third day of my cycle ended up falling on thanksgiving so I wasn’t able to have the blood work done so I figured I would just wait a month. There were no offices around us that allow you to do a semen analysis at the office and we lived too far from the nearest hospital that provided this service to be able to make it there in time. So that test kept being put off as well. Wasn’t able to have the blood test done the next month either do to the holidays. I started to feel hopeless about the situation again and gave up. I figured once again that if it was meant to happen that it would and the stress I was feeling was not going to help. So I pushed all these thoughts to the back of my brain and carried on with my life, there were always more animals I could adopt I thought. 3 weeks ago I left work and went to urgent care because of severe abdominal pain. I am not the type of person who seeks help when in pain, I normally feel like it will just go away and I fight through it, my employees forced me to go though because they could tell the pain I was in. In the two hours of waiting to see a doctor the pain had traveled to my left thigh and I was experiencing almost a numbness. A family came in with plates full of food which smelt so strongly that I ran to the restroom where I proceeded to throw up my morning coffee. Thinking I had the flu, I finally got called to see a doctor. I explained to her my pains and that I had thrown up while waiting and gave her a urine sample. After a little while she came back into the room and told me that I was pregnant. My brain started churning a million miles an hour (overthinking is my super power) she told me that she was worried that because of where my pain was that I might be experiencing an ectopic pregnancy, something I had never really heard of. She told me she wanted me to go to the emergency room to get checked out. I called my boss, whom I also consider my friend and asked him if he could drive me to the hospital since I knew he lived close by and it would take my husband almost an hour to get to me. He promptly came and picked me up. I called my husband to explain what was happening and asked him to meet me at the hospital. I arrived there before he did, checked myself in and proceeded to wait in the crowded waiting room surrounded by babies and expectant mothers. A combination of fear and excitement was going through my mind, although I could not fully comprehend everything that was going on. My husband showed up and we waited hours for them to finally call my name. By the time I was being seen by a doctor my pain was beginning to subside. They did another urine test, took blood, and had both an internal and external ultrasound. The doctor came in to explain that I was definitely pregnant but that it was still just a blastocyst. They said it was so early on that they couldn’t tell if it was an ectopic pregnancy and that I should follow up with my OB. After the doctor left the room I was going through all the paperwork and results they had given me. The results from the ultrasound showed that I have a 5 cm cyst on my left ovary. And I’m thinking why didn’t he mention this? That’s where my pain is. I showed my husband and he expressed the same confusion. We were waiting for the nurse to come discharge us when the doctor came back in and said that he was looking over my results again and saw that I had a cyst. He said that could be what was giving me the pain but that it wasn’t something I should really worry about and just to follow up with my OB. The next day I called and set up that appointment and went in to see him a few days later. This was the same doctor we saw in November when we were having questions about fertility. He came in with a big smile and laughed and gave my husband a high five and told us great job. He gave my an exam and said that I have a small uterus which is to be expected because I am a small person and that the cyst seems normal and should dissipate on it’s own. This was a huge relief, we set up a time to come in for our first ultrasound to find out how far along we were for about 2 weeks from them. In the mean time I was finally starting to shake the nerves and more just be excited. I went crazy, telling everyone I worked with because they knew the struggles I was facing with conceiving earlier and I’d worked with them for so long and so much that they were basically my family. I figured that even if it didn’t work out that I would just have a huge support system. I was exhausted, constantly feeling tired and hungry. I made an entire registry, discussed baby names with my husband, and even ordered us shirts. Mine saying “fur momma to baby momma” and his saying “she’s eating for two, I’m drinking for three” I thought it would be a sweet gift to give him for Valentine’s Day as well as a way to announce to everyone that we were expecting. I bought a mug for my grandfather to announce to him that he would now be a great grandfather. A few day’s after the follow up appointment I was closing up and work and began experiencing the same pain that brought me to urgent care in the first place. I drove myself home and the pain subsided and I didn’t think too much of it since they said before that it was just normal pregnancy pains. The days went on waiting for the ultrasound appointment, I downloaded multiple books to read about pregnancy and parenthood. I downloaded apps to track the pregnancy, watched as it changed from a poppy seed to an orange seed to a sweet pea. On Wednesday the 12th after a long day at work I got home around midnight, made myself some popcorn and hunkered into bed to watch some tv before going to bed. I didn’t even get a show on before I started having severe abdominal pain. I went to the bathroom where I began feeling nauseous so I sat on the floor in front of the toilet. My husband came upstairs and found me there, I asked him to call the doctors office because something didn’t seem right. The nurse on the phone said it was probably just pregnancy symptoms and to come in if I wasn’t feeling better by morning. I began throwing up every hour or so, tossing and turning all night trying to get the pain of what my husband I were thinking was gas from not having a bowel movement for a few days. I took some tums, threw them up and continued to try to get some rest. As the sun was coming up I woke my husband up with the sound of me throwing up. I began having unbearable shoulder pain so bad that I actually let out a scream. At that point my husband told me he was bringing me to the hospital. We drove almost an hour to get to the hospital with my doctors office. We got there 30 minutes before the office opened and decided to wait in the car and then call them to ask what we should do. When we called we realized that they didn’t open for another 30 minutes. At that point I decided I couldn’t wait any longer so we went into the emergency room. It was very early in the morning and not a soul was in the waiting room. Upon checking in at the front desk they brought me right in and got me a bed. The nurse and doctor came in promptly, I explained everything that was happening. They had me give a urine sample, took my blood, gave me an IV because I was dehydrated, and sent me up for an ultrasound. The tech was great, she was very kind although I was writhing in pain on the table because of my shoulder so I couldn’t really lay down and sit still. She said that she had gotten enough information from the external ultrasound and didn’t feel like she needed to do an internal one. We went back down to my bed in the ER and the doctor came in and explained to us that I had an ectopic pregnancy, that my Fallopian tube had burst, that I was bleeding internally and being rushed in for emergency surgery. My husband frantically began calling family members to tell them what was happening. They brought us upstairs and started prepping me for surgery. I just kept looking at my husband, he looked so frantic and I could see the tears in his eyes. I could tell he was trying to hold it in and be strong for me so I gave him a little smile as if to say everything will be alright and he smiled back. The surgeon came in and explained how the procedure was going to go, that it was going to be done laparoscopically, that she would do her best to save the tube and the ovary, and that it would take an hour or two. My husband and I kissed and said we would see each other soon and I was taken to the operating room. They moved me to the table and I tried my best to lay still while writing in pain. Then I woke up, they told me the operation had gone well and they let my husband in to see me. The doctor came and explained that I had three incisions, one on my left side, one on my right side and one in my belly button. I continued to recover and everyone was very nice. Family members came in to see me and spoke to me on the phone. When they thought I was ready they discharged me and sent us on our way. So we went home, I got many calls from family members making sure I was okay. Telling me their miscarriage stories to empathize with me. While I appreciated the kind thoughts I couldn’t help but feeling like no one knew what I was going through. Two days went by of recovery before I even expressed my feelings to my husband. How inadequate I felt, like it was all my fault and my body had let us down. He comforted me and wiped away my tears and I pushed my feelings back inside. It’s now been 6 days since my surgery and it was my husbands first day back at work. Which also means it’s been my first day alone with my thoughts. I can’t help wondering why they didn’t catch this sooner. Why they didn’t take my pain seriously, and how the baby could have gone from not being able to be seen to big enough to burst my Fallopian tube in less than two weeks. I have been thinking that maybe I don’t want to try again. That maybe I should just go back to accepting that I will just be a fur mom. As excited as I was for that short amount of time that I was pregnant that I can suppress those feelings and carry on with other goals and dreams that I have. That maybe motherhood just isn’t for me and I’m okay with that. Sorry for this long story but I felt that if maybe I wrote it all down that I would be more accepting with everything that has happened. Thank you if you have read to the end and I’m so sorry to everyone else who has ever been through this. If anyone has any advice or even their own story to share it would be appreciated. Until then I’m just going to work on recovering myself and taking this one day at a time. For now I think we are going to stop trying, maybe just until I feel okay again, or maybe never try again. We will see, thanks again for reading.
Hi Cassie,
I wanted to reply to you even though I’m not sure what comfort I’ll be and whatever I write will likely not be as eloquent as your post so apologies for the upcoming ramblings!
I had my laparoscopy in November and I’m still trying to come to terms with things. I think the shock of how fast things escalated is mainly to blame.
I’m not sure how far on I was and noone could tell me either.
I had a positive home pregnancy test in September but they couldn’t see anything on the scan, I did a urine test at the hospital and it was negative which confused me as the following day I did another home test which was also positive… But I figured they know what they’re talking about at the hospital so I just carried on with life…
I had another positive test in October which I just couldn’t get excited about after the troubles the previous month.
But I booked in for a scan in any case. I had some pain in my right side but thought nothing of it. Also I had pain in my right shoulder but I thought that was just a work/stress/tension pain…
I had some light bleeding to go along with the tummy pain so arranged a doctors appointment. He arranged for me to go to the early pregnancy unit the following day. I had another scan, an internal examination and bloods taken… I had to go back two days later for more bloods to be taken to see what levels my hcg was at and if it was rising. It more than doubled in those two days, so a few days after that I went to have yet another scan. That was when they said they thought they saw something in my tube… Bloods were taken again which showed my only option was surgery as my levels were over 4000… I still don’t really understand it all… So much information was given to me that day and the following days before and after my operation. I don’t retain information at the best of times!
My tube was removed and I’ve been at home, working intermittently… My job is quite physical so I’ve done what I can without overdoing it. I hope.
I’ve struggled with even being able to acknowledge my experience as an actual pregnancy. I have read so many posts, yours included, that have made me sad for the person who has written them, and I have to remind myself that I’ve gone through that too.
Each tale is different, I haven’t come across two stories the same yet and none have been exactly like mine.
It’s lovely knowing there is this community right here though who know how you’re feeling and can empathise completely without having to guess…
I hope you are feeling OK today… I’ve found great comfort from this forum knowing that we’re all here for each other, somewhere in the world…
Take care of yourself chic,
Much love and healing hugs,
Charlotte
Dear Cassiek,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,
When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.
The chances of a further ectopic after a first in UK is 10%. So that’s 90% chance of the embryo being in right place next time. Importantly early scans avail. As soon as you know you are pregnant, contact your local EPU to inform them and book in for an early scan at around six weeks. Remind them of your previous ectopic pregnancy. This self refer route is the best route in our view. Hopefully you will have some comfort to know you are under the radar of medical professionals right away.
It is normal to feel anxious about the future. We generally feel a mix of emotions from wanting to try again to being petrified of what may lie ahead. We never forget, but we learn to accept what happened. It is a slow process that might be weeks or months ahead.
In time, we can get to a place where we feel comfortable trying again. When this is, is individual for each person. There is no timeframe for recovery, take each day as it comes. It maybe also be worthwhile speaking to your fertility specialist too.
I know that when I had my ectopic pregnancy I also looked for a reason and almost automatically we tend to blame ourselves. From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy from happening. I cannot emphasise enough - you are not to blame. Please be kind to yourself and I send you gentle hugs.
Please be kind to yourself and allow time to grieve, to heal both physically and emotionally. We will be here for you for as long as you need,
Sending much love and warm hugs,
Karen x
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I know this is more than a year on but I just read this and wanted to post to say how shocked I am by your experience. I really hope that there has been some redress or at least a lessons learned process for what sounds like multiple failures by multiple medical practitioners to recognise a life threatening condition. I really hope that you are doing ok now. Having just been through an ectopic (luckily recognised and managed before surgery was eventually needed) I cannot fathom how scary and distressing your experience must have been.
We have also been trying for 5 years with no successful pregnancies so I completely empathise with your feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. It is not our fault and it feels so unfair that things are harder. Sending you love and best wishes xx