My journey has been so hard in such a short period of time, I can’t fully take in what happened. I have two children (9&7) and count myself very lucky especially when I read others posts. But I wanted to share my experience and a poem which I wrote. I felt it helped me to write.
I had my children fairly young, I didn’t plan for anymore but deep down I knew I would like another. Saturday 11th Nov (ironically remembrance day) I discovered I was pregnant. I had had some bleeding leading up to the day assuming it was my period however it just wasn’t right therefore I took the test. I then put it down to embedding, the day I took the test the bleeding had stopped. Tue 14th I had some bleeding again, I was advised to ring 111 who told me to go to A&E, I was getting a bit of pain on the left hand side but thought nothing of it. They booked me an apt for EPAU the next day. I went the following morning at 11am still thinking it was all a fuss because the bleeding had stopped again. They spoke about what they need to do etc. They said they would do an internal scan, this was when the world stopped spinning and I wanted to jump straight off. As you have all gone through it I don’t need to explain the details, but by 5.30pm I was woken from surgery crying for the loss of my child.
I was fortunate enough that I hadn’t ruptured but because what they found was so small they couldn’t confirm for definite that it was my baby, so the tube and “mass” was sent for testing. I had a week of the unknown but deep down I knew he/she had gone. Today they confirmed my fears through a blood test. It was and still is such a lot to take in and I have felt so many different emotions these past 7 days that I feel I might burst. At times I want to curl up into a ball and hide away. Then I look at my girl and boy and thank my lucky stars I have them. Like I said earlier I wrote my feelings into a poem and if these words can resonate with any of you and help I hope they do. I know they are my personal thoughts but comfort can be found in anything whether it be a song, a message or just a plain old hug its something.
My precious baby
Another little Swaby
I knew from the minute I took the test
That you would fill my heart with joy
Another little girl or a boy.
In my dreams I could see your face
But unfortunately that wasn’t to be the case
You couldn’t been seen
No bigger then a bean
You weren’t in the right place
You wouldn’t have survived in that space.
The words ran into one
Wondering what I had done that was so wrong
Only 5 days of knowing you
My precious little baby boo.
I thought the doctors were insane
Nothing could prepare me for the sadness and pain
But then they gave me some hope
In a way it helped me to cope.
I spent a week of praying
Trying to mend my body and hoping you were staying
But today I was told what I knew I deep down
The tears flowed I thought I would drown.
You were in the tube which they took to see
Now I know they have taken you away from me.
The scars will always be there
Who sees them I don’t care!
They are proof that you were real
You were mine
My little star waiting to shine.
Gan Gan and Great Grandma will take care of you
I know they are there
You will be in there care.
I will look to stars
You will be in my sight
I will blow you a kiss
And I will whisper the words goodnight.
Forever in my heart I will hold you tight.
Lots of Love Mammy
I send my love to you all and hope the best for you xx