Feeling confused

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1

On October 13th I finally made the decision to schedule a doctors appointment. Since September 8th I was on and off bleeding but I just assumed it was my hormones being out of wack because I did take plan b.

But October 13th was different I was sitting at the dining room table, working from home, when out of nowhere I was in w r i t h I n g pain. Horrible cramping and nausea, couldn’t stand on my own, but I still just thought I was being dramatic about my period (which now is ridiculous to think about, no one should ever be in that much pain)

October 14th I go in to get tests ran, thinking it’s PCOS or endometriosis, nope. I am about 6-9 weeks pregnant and my Fallopian tube was ruptured and my uterus was filled with blood and my pregnancy was ectopic.

So in less that 24 hours I had to mentally take in that I was pregnant, and I had to get surgery so I am not pregnant anymore.

I’m going to preference this as, I have never wanted children, and honestly I still don’t know if I do. But I am grieving this baby so badly but also just so confused because I never had time to form any sort of attachment to my pregnancy. It’s almost like I don’t feel as though I deserve to feel upset, because I am the one who always sworn up and down that I wouldn’t have kids. I guess I’m not sure how to explain it perfectly. I need some more time to take it all in, but I think the best way to put it is I feel guilty for being sad when so many other beautiful mothers are dealing with pregnancy loss of a baby that they planned. I feel like my sadness isn’t as justified.

2

I know what you mean. On October 13th, I went to work started to have weird pains were I was on the floor. (I haven’t had cramps like that since high school.) Went to the ER they tell me I am Prego. I was glad my husband was there with me. Because, I was not comprehending very well. We had been trying for 2 years. (Not fully trying. He wants a baby way more then me and I was going through the steps half heartily.)

After telling us we are pregnant they tell us that we need to take all these tests, and give us forms since it may harm the baby. The weirdest part for me is I started getting over protective of it. My family is not one to have maternal instincts at all, so me showing some sign was weird.

Anyways, after multiple tests it came back as I might have an ectopic pregnacy. They didn’t run the CT scan till it was almost too late. Right after the CT scan they told me that I needed 4 things of blood and the baby had to go. I was fine with it till the hospital church showed up 2 days after the surgery and made me cry and feel really guilty. The baby wasn’t that told, and I didn’t even know about it for 24-hrs.

My husband is hurting really bad as he really wanted a baby and it almost costed me my life. I am now over here trying to decided if its best to forget about the baby and try to move on. As all I do when I think of the little one is cry. I wouldn’t even know what to do with it, if it was born. Also what would I even do during the pregnancy since I can’t even say that word out loud. Freaks me. Now all I will remember is the worst pain I have had in my life and if I do become prego again I fear that pain. Ugh! I am still trying to process the feelings. We also had to tell his parents what was going on because we were missing his Father’s birthday party and they were worried.

3

It’s super relieving to know someone else feels this way :frowning: it’s so hard to grieve when you feel like you aren’t allowed to. I also never had a maternal instinct but I feel it now and I feel like I’m not allowed to. It’s been so confusing, your the only person I’ve seen who’s felt what I’m feeling, I added you as a friend if you ever wanna chat and vent to eachother <3

4

Dear ladies,

It is important to understand that you both have the right to grieve for your babies. We have had posts from many women who have unplanned pregnancies and aren’t maternal, but the grief experienced is still deep and very real.

You have both been through very traumatic experiences and it is going to take time to come to terms with what has happened, this is only natural.

Be kind to yourselves and allow time to grieve, to heal both physically and emotionally,

We will be here for you both for as long as you need,

Sending much love,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

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Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards

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5

I know this post is old, but I am feeling the same way, not being maternal, but feeling weirdly sad now, not just because of the loss of this pregnancy (I knew I was pregnant for sure only for the 2 hours in the hospital waiting for the surgery in pain), but also the other tube having adhesions. It’s just so confusing. And maybe someone else will be reading this and saying to themselves - I feel the same. Know you are not alone. This forum is great.