Confused and struggling

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1

Thank you so much for the forum, I feel there is not enough information out there about Ectopic and it has been really helpful reading through these boards.

So I had emergency surgery due to ruptured tube almost 3 weeks ago now. We had been trying for a baby for a short time after having my mirena coil removed in August we had a positive pregnancy test on Jan 4th, we were so happy, everything seemed fine although I was very nauseous I had no pain or bleeding. At 8 weeks pregnant to the day I went into work fine, until lunchtime when I couldn’t pee, had a pressure type pain when I tried peeing and suddenly went faint and lightheaded. Went home and around an hour later decided to go to the gp led walk in centre, they sent me straight to the gynea ward and everything happened so fast, I was in and out of consciousness my BP was so low and I was rushed to theatre where they removed the pregnancy and my right tube.

I am confused because I had no pain at all until the day my tube ruptured, the surgeon kept saying it was “very big” and asked how far along I was a number of times, which I wish I had asked what he meant and if he thought I was further along but then I’m not sure I want to know that. I just can’t stop thinking about the day it happened and how I was fine, happy and looking forward to the future one minute then in theatre almost the next moment and no baby.

I’m also struggling because this was my first pregnancy, I am almost 35 and feel like time isn’t on my side for trying again, with the reduced chance of conceiving after ectopic, the increased risk of it happening again along with the reduced chances of conceiving after 35 and the increased chance of ectopic after 35 I feel like I am doomed. Having to wait to try again for 3 months feels like such a long time and like I am wasting precious time.

I don’t know the point of this post really, I just felt like I needed to get it down, my family and friends have been supportive but all they keep saying is “stay positive, it will happen” but that feels like they are pushing my feelings aside.

Thanks for reading, and thank you again to this forum and the information on the site.

:slight_smile:

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Dear Becky,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss. You have been through a huge amount in such a short space of time and it is very normal to feel overwhelmed. From your words, I can imagine how frightening the experience must have been and I am sorry you have had to go though this.

Coming to terms with what has happened will take time. You are still in the early stages of recovery and are physically and emotionally needing to heal. Be kind to yourself with this.

I understand the feeling of time not being on your side, I was also in my 30’s when my first pregnancy was ectopic. The chances of a further ectopic after a first in UK is 10%. So that’s 90% chance of the embryo being in right place next time.

While generally it is possible to conceive after an ectopic pregnancy, the amount of time it takes varies from couple to couple. Factors include age, general health, reproductive health and how often you have sex, among other things. It may be comforting to know that 65% of women are successfully pregnant within 18 months of experiencing an ectopic pregnancy and some studies suggest this rises to around 85% after two years.

Importantly, help is available if conceiving naturally has not yet been successful after some time trying - and the EPT advises that women under 35 should seek medical advice following 12 months trying to conceive and those over 35 should seek advice after 6 months.

You will need space to process what has happened and it can feel isolating. With us here at the Trust, we have been through similar experiences and I can understand how lonely it feels. You have friends here and please do continue to lean on us for as long as you need.

It is normal to feel anxious about the future. We generally feel a mix of emotions from wanting to try again to being petrified of what may lie ahead. We never forget, but we learn to accept what happened. It is a slow process that might be weeks or months ahead. In time, we can get to a place where we feel comfortable trying again. When this is, is individual for each person. There is no timeframe for recovery, take each day as it comes.

Importantly early scans avail. As soon as you know you are pregnant, contact your local EPU to inform them and book in for an early scan at around six weeks. Remind them of your previous ectopic pregnancy. This self refer route is the best route in our view. Hopefully you will have some comfort to know you are under the radar of medical professionals right away.

Making the decision to begin trying to conceive is an emotional rollercoaster compounded by our sad loss. Again, you are not alone. We here emotional support whenever you need us. There is a specific Preparing for your Next Pregnancy board you can look at too whenever feel ready.

Sending much love,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards

During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

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Becky-

I am totally with you. I just went through MTX treatment to treat my ectopic pregnancy. I had no idea it was ectopic leading up to my first scan. I had no pain or any concerning symptoms. Before this, I had a missed miscarriage, and I also didn’t find out until my first scan. So, I’ve had nothing but bad news with my first visit to the OB for pregnancies. It has been very difficult, especially with my younger sister getting pregnant.

I’m just about 34. I feel upset too that this keeps setting me back. 3 months for recovery feels like a lifetime, and I just think that I’m falling farther and farther behind where I want to be. There’s also no promises that it won’t happen again.

I don’t think there’s anything anyone can say to make you/me feel better. It’s not very helpful hearing other people’s optimism and encouragement about getting pregnant in the future. I find it a little bit annoying actually. It just sucks, and there’s nothing easy to do about it.

At least you know that you’re not alone!

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Thank you so much for you replies! It is comforting to know there are others out there in similar head spaces after similar experiences, some days are better than others and I suppose in time the better days will be more frequent, but it doesn’t help having people around us telling us to stay positive, although I am hopeful for the future I am still allowed to be sad, upset and have doubts. They say only 10% chance of it happening again but i/we were part of the 1% who have EP first time so that 10% stat feels much worse and much more likely to me!

Catlady - I am so sorry you have been through this and your previous missed miscarriage it must be much worse having had no symptoms but losses twice, I don’t suppose there is much anyone can say apart from the forum is here if you need to vent and I will keep an eye out for any of your posts.

Thank you for all the support :slight_smile:

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Hi Becky. I am in a similar place than you . Almost 35 years old. I had my surgery 30th of december last year. I had my right tube removed . It was my first pregnancy after 3 years of trying.

Sorry for your loss.

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Thanks, Becky, I am still luckier than other people. People who haven’t been through this couldn’t really understand it, so when they try to be nice and supportive by saying that it will happen in the future, they just don’t know the complexity of feelings we have. It makes me angry at times, but then I remember that they just don’t get it. It does feel like they’re diminishing our experiences though. I would prefer them to just be sympathetic, rather than offering advice.

But you can’t control what other people do or say. Oh well :slight_smile:

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Hi,

Sorry for your losses, my heart goes out to you all. This forum has been helpful to read everyone’s similar experiences and to know you are not alone.

My experience has been very similar to yours Becky. I am in my 30s and had emergency surgery for my ruptured ectopic pregnancy around 5 weeks ago. I was around 8 weeks pregnant and was unaware as had no symptoms until the rupture. The experience has been traumatic. In such a short time finding out you are pregnant, that it’s ectopic, ruptured and you need emergency surgery is a lot to deal with. It suprises me that there is no follow up after this.

I feel anxious like you and worry about this happening again or not being able to conceive. I guess we just have to remain positive that we will be ok although it is a struggle. I still have pain where my tube was and assume this is ovulation pain from what I am reading about other people’s experiences.

It’s difficult talking to others about this experience as I feel they don’t understand the effect it has had. Does anyone else struggle to answer the simple question of how are u feeling now? Or are you ok now? There are so many emotions, that can’t be answered with a yes or no. I’m finding some people expect you to get on and be ok after a few weeks and I end up holding back with how I really feel.

I still get flashbacks of the whole thing. Does anyone else feel this way?

Apologies for the long post. Hope this gets easier for us all with time x

8

Hi everyone

I’m totally in a similar headspace to you all - took a while to get pregnant, then ectopic, now several months out too scared to try again. I’m 33 which I know isn’t as old as some but still feeling anxious about time running out especially as I started trying at 31 so I can see how rapidly time can disappear. I also feel exhausted and the process hasn’t even started so I wonder if I really want children especially dealing with young kids in my 40s.

I also feel like I’m simultaneously fine and not fine and that no one really understands. I also get flashbacks. I have massive anxiety about fertility (both the known and the unknown issues).

I’m grateful I am still more or less healthy and well and it could have been so much worse, but I still feel sad and confused. And then guilty for feeling that way, which of course doesn’t help. I also don’t know whether to tell people or not. I’ve tried both approaches and neither works. Not saying what happened has resulted in people assuming it’s not serious or me sounding like I’m overly secretive. However, the times I have mentioned what happened (both out of a desire that people be open about pregnancy loss, and also to explain why I missed some important events) I tended to get weird reactions. Of course I could just not mention it at all but most people are aware something happened due to time off work, skipping out on my sports team for a couple of months, the aforementioned missed events etc. Argh.

Nice to read all your posts anyway, it helps and I wish each of you you all the best…

9

Becky & everyone else, I feel your pain.

I’m 39 and had an ectopic mid-november 2020. Our baby would’ve been almost 6 weeks at that stage and had a strong heartbeat.

I lost my left tube in surgery and whilst I know it’s possible to fall pregnant again in time with one tube, that’s the worrying part for me. Time is not on my side and even planning is hard as my periods are not as consistent as they were. The 1st post ectopic arrived exactly 6 weeks after surgery so I thought my body was getting back to normal, the 2nd was a 25 day cycle (whilst mine would’ve varied a little by maybe a day, they were normally around day 27). I was expecting my 3rd on Sat/Sun but it’s now day 31 and there’s no sign of it! I’ve done two pregnancy tests, both negative.

Anyhow, I’m doing my best to remain positive and should add that I am incredibly blessed to have an amazing 1 year old daughter. I’m so glad to have had her before this happened but desperately want her to have at least one sibling. I know the heartache must be much worse for the ladies who have experienced this on their first pregnancy or any other one prior to having a healthy baby.

Thinking & praying for you all :pray:

NovemberRain