Hey ladies
I suffered an ectopic pregnancy in late 2019, which resulted in emergency and my left tube being removed. I had no idea I was Ectopic until I had the excruciating pain from the rupture. I had heard of Ectopic, but had no real knowledge or experience with what it meant… it was a lot to digest and I’m not sure I ever really dealt with the grief/anger/pain. Mostly owing to the fact that I was lucky enough to fall pregnant with my rainbow quite quickly afterwards. She was my lifeline, she gave me something positive to focus on (as well as my first born of course) - but she was somehow special, almost as if she was sent to me to heal my pain from the loss.
Fast forward to January 31st 2022 when I discovered I was pregnant again… I was overwhelmed with excitement, happiness, nervousness and all the other feels. Then bam, it hit me… I had been poorly for the last few weeks. Maybe poorly isn’t the right word. I hadn’t been myself! Severe constipation, feeling off, back ache, a light dull ache in my groin and the most alarming of all, I’d had a “weird period” (as I put it) the week before. By weird I mean the wrong colour/consistency to what I normally experienced during a period. I immediately called EPU who booked me in for a reassurance scan (due to my history). I was scared! I had to wait a whole 24 hours before finding out, what, deep down, I already knew!
The next day, I went to the hospital alone (eff you Covid!!) and it was confirmed I was yet again experiencing another ectopic pregnancy. I didn’t react - maybe because I already knew… my heart sank a little but in the back of my mind I convinced myself that everything will be ok and we can “just try again” when I’m ready and we’ll have another rainbow baby.
My world came crashing down when the consultant was talking to her colleague about a bed, gowning me up and taking my obs and contacting the Gynae surgeon on call (I was behind the curtain getting dressed after my scan at this point)… Surely this isn’t right I thought - I’m not in any pain, I can’t be rupturing! I barked at the consultant “I’m not having surgery again am I?!”… she looked at me with sypmathy. I’m afraid so! My world fell apart! I wasn’t rupturing but I was at high risk - surgery was the only option! When I came around from surgery I was told the worst posisble outcome was my reality. I had had my only tube removed and now have lost my fertility 
So many tell me to think of the positives and to be grateful for my two beautiful children (like I’m not ffs!!) they don’t understand my anger, my pain or anything to do with my situation. A few have told me how they understand and go on to tell about their miscarriage… I am in no way saying that a miscarriage isn’t tragic but it isn’t the same!! Nothing about it is the same!! How can’t they see that? I am so angry and so bitter - why me? Why my babies, why hasn’t my body done it’s job properly. So many questions and so much anger.
Despite my anger, I feel nothing, I am numb. I don’t cry, I talk about it to people as if it is just an every day experience. I hurt so much inside yet I come across as hard and emotionless.