Completely devastated

Pregnant After Ectopic Pregnancy
1

This post may be triggering.

At the end of June 2020, I found out I was pregnant with my second child, after about 10 months of TTC. I had been feeling unwell, light headedness, pain on one side, nauseous and so on the day my period was due, I took a test and found it was positive. I knew something wasn’t right and so after conversation with my GP which offered little reassurance, I contacted the EPU. Very long story short, it took about 2 weeks for them to locate the pregnancy in my left tube, there was a lot of miscommunication and I was treated with methotrexate but that failed after only a day or so and I experienced terrible pain, which resulted in surgery and the loss of my left tube.

For many months I searched for an answer why, which I knew I wouldn’t find, but I had meetings and checked that there was no clear evidence of endometriosis etc. We gave ourselves time to heal and decided to try again in Jan 2021 and fell pregnant quickly. Again, from very early on I have been feeling pain, though not the same in feeling poorly with it. I had a scan today and there was nothing to see in the uterus or my remaining tube. I was called with my blood work results this evening and they’re 30 - I know this not realistically viable. My cycles are long - approx 37 days and so it’s not reasonable to put the same expectation on HCG levels as someone who has a 28 day cycle, but 30 is very very low.

I am devastated, I feel like my heart has been ripped out. But more than anything I feel a deep rooted guilt - I can’t give my daughter a sibling. She would make the most wonderful big sister, she needs the companionship. Right now, my husband and I are enough for her, but one day we won’t be. I come from a big family who are all close, and my siblings are my allies. We are there for each other, even if we don’t get along all of the time - I would drop everything to help them, and I know they would do the same for me. I never envisaged my little girl being an only child, it’s not what I hoped for her. My heart is broken for her. I am so angry at my body for failing us, again, it’s now verging on a hatred towards myself. I hate my body for losing two babies. Two, very much wanted babies. It’s unbearable.

I don’t know what I’m looking for by writing this; I used this forum during my first ectopic as a place of companionship, so I didn’t feel so alone - we’re all part of a club nobody wants to be a part of. But this time I needed to write, I need to let it out before I implode through heartbreak. Thank you for reading this, and I send lots of love to anyone who is living this nightmare.

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Hi -Hope-,

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve suffered these losses. Having suffered multiple losses myself, I know the heartbreak and the feelings of deep disappointment. It’s important for you to remember that there was nothing you did to cause nor nothing that could have prevented an ectopic pregnancy. Many women experience a mix of feelings and this can include grief, hurt at loss and anger. Trying not to blame yourself is important, as it is no fault of yours, and nothing sadly, could have been done from stopping the ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage from happening.

As you mention, often the precise reason for an ectopic pregnancy may never be known. Sadly there is nothing that can be done to guarantee that it will never happen again and it isn’t because of something you did or didn’t do. Sometimes these feelings are hard to communicate with others, and for that reason, we at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can help the healing process.

We operate a helpline service, and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely, and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too if you prefer that route.

Also, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help, and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling services. The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

No matter what, we are here for you whenever you need. Please know you are not alone and take all the time you need to look after yourself and recover. We are here for you whenever you want to talk.

With good wishes,

Michele

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards

During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team