Hi Keren- not exactly the same situation but a lot of overlap in feelings.
I have one three year old via IVF. We didn’t know we could conceive so it was a shock four weeks ago when we found out I was 5 weeks. We’d actually let our frozen embryos from IVF go as we were happy to stop at one. Finding out we were having a second was a mix of emotions given we’d basically chosen not to. I had a few moments of tears about whether it was going to change our (my daughter’s) lives in ways we didn’t want.
Then I had an ectopic rupture 10 days ago. Since then I have for the first time regretted letting those frozen embryos go. I feel really sad about the little sibling she’s lost and feel cheated of that different future. Even though it was a future we’d actively decided against. It’s a head *** isn’t it to work out why you feel like that. I think you are right, part of it is hormones. Your body literally gears you up to nurture and love, so you will still be feeling that. It’s also very different I think to be in control of being “ fine just as we are” and then to have something traumatic happen to you which takes it out of your control.
I’m keeping myself busy while signed off work by getting lots of odd jobs and long standing life tasks done to try and regain the feelings of control and purpose.
Hope things work out for you, whatever future path you decide on x