Feeling sad

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I don’t really know what I am looking for from this post…perhaps just the knowledge that I am not alone.

I have been trying to conceive for 6 years and have had 4 round of IVF with two miscarriages, a very complication pregnancy with multiple threatened miscarriages which ultimately resulted in my beautiful son and now an ectopic pregnancy.

I have had a particularly difficult time with the ectopic as we tried methotrexate twice which failed and ultimately resulted in me having a large internal bleed and emergency surgery where I lost my left tube. I have been in and out of hospital for a month and on the last occasion when I was bleeding and in excruciating pain, it was put down to be due to the methotrexate and I continued to haemorrhage for nearly a day before I was finally diagnosed and operated on.

I feel traumatised by the whole experience. I feel sad at the loss of a much longed for child and while I have had some time prior to the surgery to adjust to the idea that this pregnancy was never going to result in a baby I have found the sense of loss to be much more palpable now. We had to make decisions about cremation vs burial etc and were counselled about what all of this involved which made it very real. I am glad to have had a choice in the matter and I am glad that this life has been treated with so much dignity but it is hard all the same.

I also keep getting flashbacks of my time in hospital and in the operating room and cannot seem to stop the tears when this happens.

Prior to surgery I was quite sure that I wanted to try again to conceive but now I feel exhausted, terrified and worn out. I do not feel like my family is complete nor do I feel like it is worth putting myself through fertility treatment again which in itself has been an incredibly difficult journey.

I feel incredibly fortunate to have a child already and I am very grateful to have come away from this experience with my life and my ovaries intact (this was a real concern as it was thought to be an ovarian ectopic) but I cannot seem to stop the feeling of fear and the tears which follow every time I recount this experience.

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Hi Natalie,

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss and I understand it can not be easy. I haven’t experienced a miscarriage or IVF treat but I too had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy on 14th March. The emotional aftermath is devastating. You are not alone and experiencing feelings of fear, sadness, anger, vulnerability, and panic is bound to happen because such an invasive and frightening thing happened. I’m 27 and have a son and whilst I’ve never felt like I was desperate for another child now my fertility has been compromised I’m scared that option has been taken away from me. In another sentence the thought of having I go through another ruptured ectopic and a further tube removed fills me with absolute dread. I’m currently seeking counselling as I’m finding it hard but I try to talk on here with women whom have had the same experience just for some comfort that I’m not alone. If you ever want to talk just send me a message. Big hugs xxx

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Dear Jlea91,

Thank you so much for your kind words. It helps so much to know that while the specifics of all our experiences are different there are people out there who understand what this feels like.

I saw my gp yesterday and was completely unable to hold it together but I felt a lot better having spoken to her. Since then I have managed to not completely break down when asked how I am doing which feels like a milestone.

I too am hoping to speak to a counsellor in the hope that it will help me move forward.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply. I may well take you up on the offer of messaging you if I feel I need to talk and hope you know that the offer is reciprocated.

All the best with your recovery. Wishing you all the support in the world xx

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This is such a help all the things I’m reading are just how I feel thank u