I don’t know what to do...

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Hello,

I’m going through my second ectopic pregnancy and some very mixed up and unexpected emotions seem to be coming up. I had my first ectopic in March 2018 and was very lucky to, after being admitted to hospital for monitoring, be treated with expectant management. I was terrified about ttc but felt ready around September. I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of December. I was so excited as I am desperate to have children, and it felt different from last time. I got an appointment for an EPS for 2 weeks later for a 6 weeks scan. But I began bleeding and cramping two days before the appointment. Looked like a miscarriage as HCG levels were decreasing. However they then shot up. It was a PUL but my HCG levels continued to increase and was treated with methotrexate on the 21st December. I have had a really horrible Christmas and New Year and although I have amazing support with my husband and my extended family I have begun feeling some very difficult emotions.

My biggest fear is that there is something wrong with me and that I can’t have children. Even the thought of having to go through more ectopics and keep loosing my hope, potential pregnancies and health is really difficult. I have only ever had 2 pregnancies and both have been ectopic. I’m so scared I won’t have children.

I feel really angry at people not being sensitive to the situation. My mother in law keeps showing me photos of friends babies and young families and I know it’s not malicious but I’m finding it really hard as all I want is a family of my own.

I’m finding myself really jealous and resentful and heartbroken at other people who are announcing pregnancies or births or even just watching them showing their young kids growing up. And I know that it’s really unfair to feel that but I just keep feeling like why is that not me? Why can’t it be that easy for me?

I also feel like I’ve let my husband down that there is something wrong with me or that I carry our future and I keep loosing it.

I’m not sleeping and I’m having nightmares when I sleep. I’ve been off work on ‘holiday’ for 2 weeks but taken an extra week off with sick leave. But I’m not sure I can even face going back next week. I’m a secondary teacher so it’s mostly the idea of interacting with lots of people and young kids who don’t understand.

I just don’t know what to do to make myself begin to feel better. I’m struggling to express my emotions, to cry or to share them with others. And there’s no amount of baths, reading or walks that’s going to make this feel

Better. I’m just stuck. I actually feel in a lot of shock. Maybe these are just feeling that will ease naturally, my fear of not having a family however - I’m really struggling to be positive about that. Not feeling a lot of hope. I don’t know what my actual chances are and I’ve been referred to a consultant who will hopefully answer some of my questions. Just needed to vent to people who have been through this and understand. Nobody else really does.

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I’m still stuck a month after discharge from expectant management! Hormonal mood swings and v limited tolerance for social interaction - unless the ppl are super close to me. I am going bk 2 days a weeek for 2 weeks bc I just don’t know what I can deal with as a social worker. I just don’t have the resillience I did, when a few things go wrong in a row in a day I just don’t have the padding. I think it is getting less and less though. Yours is still so fresh I would take some time out or go back on less days initially

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Dear Tosh,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancies and losses. To experience one loss is difficult, to deal with multiple losses is heartbreaking and my heart truly goes out to you.

When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.

We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It’s what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful.

Regarding returning to work, experiencing ectopic pregnancy is a very frightening experience and many women need to take time to help them deal with the psychological/emotional impact of the loss of their baby, being diagnosed with a life-threatening condition and undergoing major surgery. Please speak to your GP about having further time off work if required.

Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and I will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need. We believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling services.

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

I know that when I had my ectopic pregnancy I also looked for a reason and almost automatically we tend to blame ourselves. From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy from happening. I cannot emphasise enough - you are not to blame.

Please be kind to yourself and I send you gentle hugs.

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

The latest EPT newsletter is out now! You can take a look at the Winter edition and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

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Thank you for your responses. It helps to know I’m not alone and that all these emotions are common and normal. I might look at some more time off work and perhaps some counselling of some sort. My emotions are so different from the first ectopic and it’s caught me off guard. Spoke to my husband too, and luckily he is incredibly supportive. Thanks again for all the support x