How can I balance hope and disappointment?

Preparing For Your Next Pregnancy
1

Hi everyone

I am new to the forum as I had an epcotic pregnancy and left tube removed two days ago. So it’s still very recent and I am coming to terms with what has happened. I’ve read some amazing stories of hope on here and it gives me strength to know that I’m not alone in what I’m feeling and going through.

Some may think it’s too soon for me to post in this particular forum because I am not yet through the initial healing stage, but I feel that I need to look forward and try to focus on a positive outcome so that I can rationalise what has happened and try to believe that it is possible for me to have another baby in the future.

What I’m really struggling with - and have been for some time before the ectopic pregnancy - is how to balance the ‘being positive’ with needing to (or not needing to?) have an element of realism and not building hopes up too high for them to be dashed. My husband and I are very fortunate to have a three year old whom we love dearly. We had been TTC a for 18 months which was stressful and there have been some issues on the male fertility side, although these seem to have been resolved now. Prior to having our child I had a miscarriage. Given the mc, although we were delighted when I finally became pregnant, we both approached this pregnancy tentatively and then at 5 weeks was diagnosed with an EP and had to have immediate surgery.

The doctors were amazing and I am very lucky to have had no complications, but I am shocked to discover that my fertility due to the tube removal will have been reduced by 30% - this statistic was never mentioned in the rush t get me to surgery. This feels like a real blow, given that I’m 38 and have been told by a fertility consultant that my egg reserves are getting fairly low.

So I feel like whilst I have to be positive, should i/ how do I come to terms with the fact that I might not be able to have another baby? Or should I just totally block that thought out and imagine holding a new baby etc?

Before the EP, we had been considering IVF but - whilst it’s the right thing for some people - I now feel that with it being quite and intense experience, the thought scares me now. Do I just focus on the positive that at least I can still get pregnant?

It’s very hard as I can’t talk to my family about this as they all start to speculate in my fertility and ‘leaving it too late’ etc etc, and my son is always asking when we are going to have a baby for him to look after. It’s really heartbreaking. I also feel like my life’s on hold as I have taken a career break to look after my son, expecting to have become pregnant fairly soon, and of course things don’t always work out the way you expect.

I am usually a really positive person but I am really struggling with this one, given my age and fertility etc. Any advice would be really welcome!

Love to you all

X

2

I know what you mean. I had an EP in September though was treated with methotrexate injection. I am also blessed to be a mummy already and my 5year old son asks regularly when we can have a baby so he can help me look after it and be a big brother. I’m almost 36 and worry about how my age will affect my fertility.

I try to think positive and think about when I am pregnant again, when I have a newborn to hold and care for. But sometimes I think I should just be grateful for what I have and that I may not be in a position to be pregnant again. We have just started TTC again

Wishing you a smooth recovery and you will find lots of support on here x

3

Hi there

Thanks for your post. I’m feeling a lot more positive and calm about the future today and you are entirely right, the thing to do is to focus on and visualise having and holding a healthy newborn and not even allow any negative thoughts to creep in.

From reading the experience of others on here, it seems that the thing to do is to relax, not worry about how long it’s taking and everything will take its course.

Fingers crossed and here’s to lots of positivity and good news for 2015

X

4

Hi rayofhope,

I know exactly what you mean, its so hard to balance being cautious and positive at the same time.

When I had my ep diagnosed and salpingectomy at 7 weeks, I was mortified as I had already told many of our close family and friends I was pregnant… And I felt that I should have known better as I’d had chemical pregnancies too.

Then I realised, I shouldn’t have felt so silly, as these people love me, and actually having their support meant the world to me.

So actually I think that its okay for us to be excited when we do conceive again. I enjoyed every second of being pregnant for the short times I have been, and wouldn’t stop going in about it to those who did know.

It is such early days for you rayofhope, but you will come through this. There are many success stories on the recent ttc boards, and you should join us on there when you are ready to try again.

Wishing you a speedy recovery.

5

Thank you so much redfairy (and everyone else for sharing their stories online). I had been feeling like I had gone on a bit too much (I’m not used to posting things online!) but it’s a great help to know there’s others out there who have been through a similar experience and are now looking forwards. And I know I need to deal with the experience properly in order to move on.

Can I ask if anyone else felt a bit strange about telling other people what had happened to them after they first had their EP? told a couple of friends I’ve been in hospital but have not said why…I sort of feel like I don’t want people (unless close friends/ family) feeling sorry for my situation in case, inadvertently and without anyone being malicious, people you don’t know that well end up knowing, do you know what I mean? Maybe that’s me just feeling a bit sensitive at the moment as it’s such a personal experience, and its just a stage of getting over it?

Heaps of multi-coloured, sparkly baby dust for everyone, I’m sure 2015 will be a great year for all of us ladies.

Thanks for your support.

Xx

6

I spoke to a couple of people quite soon after and found it difficult at first and have since told a number of others. 2 ladies I told have also had EP in the past so I’ve spoken with them a bit more. I’m quite an open person anyway and think that ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage should be spoken about more but I do realise that some people just don’t like to speak openly about some things

7

I would say rayofhope that it has to be totally your choice who you tell, and when.

From my experience, I went back to work with the intention of not telling anyone other than a couple of close colleagues who I had told I was pregnant. I work with children in quite a stressful and pressured job, and one day I just broke down in tears in front of a whole bunch of my colleagues! And it all came flooding out. And the amount of women that came to me privately afterwards and said they’d been through the same thing or other types of baby loss was staggering. They were amazing.

I agree with butterflyrose, I think we as a culture dont talk about pregnancy loss openly enough, and there are so many people out there greiving alone.

But, if you don’t feel comfortable talking face to face with people, then this forum is here. It has given me real strength.

Oh, and there’s no such thing as going on too much!

8

Hello,Dear Rayofhope.I understand you so much how you feel.I am also 37,husband has low sperm count I have PCOS.We have daughter 2 and half years old and we wanted sibling for her very much.I had ectopic in May 2014 and we lost our second baby which we called Angel.I didn’t tell nobody whats happened to me,only 2 close friends and my family knew.When time going by I am very open to talk about it and does help me to open up.Also this forums helped me very much.I would like sibling for our daughter but I have to just see if it is going happen for us naturally or not.If we will not have another baby I will just take it as it is and be grateful for our daughter.

WE will definitely not have IVF .Try to be happy with your child what you have maybe getting puppy or another pet could help too.We have also 5 years old Labrador.

I am sending you big hug and I wish you quick recovery and stay positive even our age we can still get pregnant if it is God will and also positive thinking is huge help. Also I know three of my friends got pregnant after age of 40 and have healthy babies who are toddlers with perfect health.So there is always hope for us women there.

xxxBaby dust to you and all the best x :slight_smile:

9

Butterflyrose, redfairy, katsala - thank you so much for your replies, it’s been really helpful to get a perspective on this and realise that it’s ok to tell people as and when I feel ready. I’m probably just feeling particularly sensitive about it due to my circumstances - katsala you are so right in what you say about just accepting it whatever way it turns out. I’ve been feeling much more philosophical about it today and just being blessed to be able to see my little boy messing about today and being silly and the sheer fact that he still has his mummy is the most important thing.

Hugs and positivity to you all xx