Bad things happen in 3s

Main Board
1

Hi everyone,

My name is Ella and I am 24 yrs old.

I have never written on a forum before, but a friend advised me to, saying that meeting people with similar experiences may help me heal.

I had my ectopic pregnancy end of Jan. I was 5 weeks pregnant.

The biggest issue I am having now is the effect it has had on my life. I have been through a number of bad things in life but nothing has had such a great knock on effect to everything around me, and I just don’t know anymore. I usually get back on my feet, but this time…I feel like this has changed me and I don’t know how. No one around me has been through similar experiences, and maybe because of my age aswell, I don’t find comfort in my friends and I find myself being offened by the things they say. I feel like they just don’t get it. They want me to change my frame of mind, be positive and all these things - and I am just not there.

The ectopic happened at such a bad time in my life. I came back from 5 yrs at uni to start my life as an adult. But that quickly became nothing, as when I came back,my father’s lung cancer came back and so my summer was spent caring for him, something I never anticipated to be so difficult. Within that time my step-mother of 19 years, left my father aswell. By the winter my Dad passed away, my step-mum removed herself from my life (and she was literally another mum to me, even dearer to me than my own father), I had started a new job and the landlords were trying to make me homeless.

Despite having loving friends, the only person who was ever really around me in these times was my ex, and despite numerous attempts to walk away from him, I fell pregnant within a few weeks of my father’s cremation and got the positive test on new years. I thought that baby was the answer to my prayers to Allah for a miracle to make a bad situation good, but here I am.

My ex was supportive the whole way, but it was clear that it were best we went our separate ways.

Unlike all my other trials in life, after loosing baby, I have found it so hard to talk about my emotions.

I have thought of counseling, and have even tried, but when I talk about my story i get halfway in and just begin to start feelings like what i am talking about it rediculous.

I also feel conflicted that, I know having baby wouldn’t have put me in the best situation, I am honestly in a better position without baby, for my life, it isn’t the worst thing that could have happened to me. But there is not a day that goes past. Not a single day that goes past that I don’t well up thinking about baby, wondering if at all a bad situation would have at all mattered once I saw my little human.

I feel so lost and like I have changed so much, but I don’t even know how. Even my relationships are not the same anymore. I have never been in a situation like this before. I can’t actually fix this

My diagnosis, to the surgery all happened so fast. I still feel like I am in a state of…I don’t know…like a deer one headlights, about life in general. How quickly your life can just change. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore. Blindsighted. I feel blind sighted by everything still.

The pregnancy wasn’t planned, so there are no plans to try again (even though I do not have the strength to go through another pregnancy anytime soon anyways).

I just came on here to see if any other ladies had other knock on effects to the rest of theirs lives, maybe you’ll share your story with me?

I feel like I don’t know whats happening as I watch my own life unfold

2

Hi Ella…

I don’t really know if I can help you but though id share my story with you in the hope it will…

I too had an eptopic on the 10th Feb… They originally misdiagnosed me with a miscarriage… 36 hours later I ended up in a+e with chest pains… To cut a long story short, they did a scan and found I had an eptopic and bleeding into my pelvis and a blood clot (the reason for the chest pain)…

Within half an hour I was in surgery and they were removing my baby and my right fallopian tube…

I feel like I went into autopilot mode… Didn’t know what yo do or say… Didn’t ask any questions… Everything just rushed by…

The surgery side was definitely the easiest…

The emotional… Well I don’t think I’m off that rollercoaster yet…

I always thought I didn’t want children until I was much older (I’m 25) and that I would have the job, house, relationship all sorted before children… But to the upcoming months of the ep I found myself wishing that every month mother nature wouldn’t make an appearance and I would finally have a purpose for life… Have someone to live and care for, and a reason to get up in the morning… Something to focus on… I too have been through some awful times in my life and blocked out my emotions to get through each day… But this is different… I cant block it out… It is like a big neon sign constantly following me around reminding me… When I do forget for just a little while, I then feel guilty…

My close colleague is pregnant too and last night she brought her scan to work to show me… It was like being slapped in the face… She is a few days ahead of where I would have been and it is like another constant reminder following me around…

Even though it is a cliché, everyone is right… Each day does get easier and we find ourselves slowly moving on and even feeling guilty for doing so, but its the only way to continue… We are never gonna forget our babies… Ever… But we do need to accept that it has happened and continue our lives…

I know that’s hard and I still cant manage it but it is the only way through…

I have read lots of stories on here and although most are sad (why we are all on here going through this) there are some happier endings…

You need to believe you will get your happy ending… It might take months or years even, but one day yours will come…

You mentioned talking about it and maybe counseling… I’ve never tried it although I always think I should… But I just can’t bring myself to talk to someone I don’t know… But I’ve found writing it down each day, (like a diary) helps… It gets all the emotions out and frustrations and just feels like its all not still bottled up inside… I’ve never let anyone read them but I have gone back over them and found in not feeling as raw as I once was…

Take each day easy and if you need to cry or scream, than do! It will help… It’s part of the process we all have to go through…

One day we will get our baby and our lives will work out… It is just another rollercoaster to get there…

I cant comment on losing your step mum and dad… I’m sorry… I’ve never been through it but that is also part of a grieving process to go through…

Just remember there are always people on here that have been through the same and always here to talk to… It makes such a huge difference… I know reading others stories has helped me…

I wish you all the best for your future happiness and sending lots of prayers to get you through such a tough time…

Brokenheart91 xxx

3

Dear Ella,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss.

When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.

Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. I too found that whilst friends and family were well-meaning, they didn’t truly understand how I felt and I too reached out to the Trust for support and found much comfort in reading others experiences and realising that I was not alone.

The feelings you describe are very understandable. You have been through such a lot with the loss of your dad and your stepmum leaving, my heart truly goes out to you. After a frightening ordeal like ectopic pregnancy, some women find that they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress and symptoms can include anxiety and not being able to focus on everyday things like work. There are a number of avenues that you could look into to get the help that you need.

I know you say that you have tried counselling but we at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask me any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route, again details are below. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling.

We have information on our website about finding counselling services

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

I too had counselling following my ectopic pregnancy. It took a while but i eventually realised that there is no time frame for how long it takes us to heal emotionally and it is completely normal to feel anxious about the future. We will never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn’t our fault.

Please continue to use the forums for advice and support and please do contact the Trust or talk to your GP about further counselling if you feel you are able.

We are all here for you,

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?

Further information is available at http://www.ectopic.org.uk

Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.

Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.

4

brokenheart91,

Thank you so much for sharing your story, you wrote it so well. It brought me to tears, especially at the “purpose” part. I think that may be part of the reason why I am feeling so lost, because of all those reasons you described.

But your ordeal sounds so rough. I was misdiagnosed aswell, but it was like 2 weeks before I went into hospital, due to pains and a positive pregnancy test. But I didn’t rupture. I am so sorry you had to experience that. I know what you mean about auto-piolet though, I also remember waking up in recovery, before I could even physically open my eyes I was wailing. And then it is like all of a sudden you are back home, in bandages and life is meant to go on. It is like being disassociated with the world, the moment you get the diagnosis from the scan. I was so unexpectant of it all, even when I was having the scan I thought maybe it was just constipation, in my nieveity - or denial. I was with my much older sister and she looked at me afterward and said to the nurses, “I don’t think she understands the gravity of what is happening to her.” and the truth is, I honestly didn’t.

I also have two of my closest friends having babies, a male and female friend, both of them withing a few months of my due date, so I can imagine what it must have been like for you to see your co-workers scan, because they are all planning their new lives, moving house, despite also not being in perfect situations.

Thank you both (EPT Host 20 aswell) for your advice. I started to think there was something wrong with me, because nobody else gets it, I thought maybe the fault was with me needing to have someone else validate my feelings and/or experiences. I have also read other womens stories, I think one women had had 4 EP and a miscarriage and she still isn’t giving up hope - I really wish I was made of the same stuff.

I have been writing too, but I’ve always been to scared to re-read over what I have previously said. But I will take your advice, maybe I’ll see how far I have come. I also think I may try counseling again, I guess like medicine, you goto do it even if it don’t taste nice if it going to help.

After everything you have experienced, and I deeply feel your sense of loss when you talk about wishing your monthly friend would not come and visit, I am so happy that you are finding things easier with time and that you know you will have your happy ending.

I pray for Allah to give you all the gentle love and support in this difficult time, to nurture your faith and hope, and though baby can never be replaced, may the path we have been lead down resolve to find purpose and meaning, and like you said, another form of happiness

Thank you so much for responding so promptly. Apologies if my reading is a bit all over the place, I have dyslexia. :shock: