How to cope

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1

Hi,

I had an ectopic pregnancy in January, it was such a shock that It didn’t sink in at first. It hit me after I recovered from my operation. Since this has happened to me 4 people I know have announced they are expecting which has been hard. I don’t like to talk about my experience and ruin their good news. I don’t know anyone who has been through this so it’s hard for people to understand how I’m feeling. I know it’s one of those things in life that people become pregnant all the time and I can’t avoid it but it’s hard sometimes to accept.

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Hi Sammie26,

I am truly so sorry that you’ve experienced this ectopic pregnancy and loss. It is very normal to find yourself physically recovering, but still working through the emotional recovery. Ectopic pregnancy is a trauma, and it’s so important to continue looking after yourself. I too was completed shocked to have been diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy and didn’t know anyone who had a similar situation. It was through these boards that I found I wasn’t alone in my experience.

When we hear of someone who is expecting a baby or in seeing new babies, it is completely normal that we grieve for what might have been for ourselves. Your experience is completely valid and deserves to be heard as well. I found that journalling was one way that helped me to gather my thoughts, so that I could begin to share them with others.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service, and if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counseling. The charity, Mind, may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

From the bottom of my heart, please be kind to yourself through your recovery. We are here for you whenever you need.

With warm wishes,

Michele

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation, by volunteering, or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

The latest EPT newsletter is out now! You can take a look at the Winter edition and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

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Thank You Michele for replying and for the advice I’m going to have a look into these.

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Hi Sammie

Just thought I’d drop you a note to say I know how you feel.

I had an ectopic in December, emergency surgery and lost a tube- the whole thing was so traumatic- I don’t think anyone can really understand unless you’ve been through it.

I’ve also had 4 friends tell me they’re pregnant since then and the minute I’m on my own I’ve burst into tears- it’s really hard to hear but also leaves me feeling dreadful that I’m not just happy for them. My best friend recently told me she is, and I’m finding it really hard to listen to her sometimes as she seems to have forgotten what I’ve just been through.

Anyway- I agree talking about it really helps, especially with people who have been through it too. I’m always happy to message if you want to vent to someone who’s been through the same thing recently too

Best wishes

Frankie

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It’s hard. I feel I’m over it as my pregnancy was unplanned but it’s really weird that 2 people at work (one colleague, and one client that I have to counsel) both have the same due date i would’ve had.

Very weird. Makes me uncomfortable and I don’t know why. I guess a reminder when I’m in a work headspace.

So many layers of emotions hey

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Hi Sammie,

I had a ruptured ectopic 6 weeks ago now. I don’t personally know anybody who has been through this, but I have opened up to many people and also there was no way of avoiding it because of the seriousness of it all. Being open and chatting it through may not be for everyone, but I have found once I do start talking I hear of many similar experiences of friends of friends.

For me i am desperate to normalise it, make sense of what I have been through and just to get a bit of sympathy! But like you say I think it is hard for people to truly appreciate it unless they have been through such an experience.

It was my first day back at work today. It is silly how I found basic things almost overwhelming. On the most part people were very understanding, but I did have a couple of insensitive comments regarding the amount of time I had off (it was the standard 4 weeks from discharge) I may do counselling, not sure yet. What about others?

Lucy

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Hey

I’ve mostly been open. I’ve felt a bit exposed but I’ve benefited from being open as in all honesty I’m still not quite myself. I’ve had some ongoing gynae issues but more than anything my emotions are a bit wobbly, tired more easily, difficult to explain.

I had 4 weeks off from discharge and in tha 4 weeks I had a ruptured cyst and some other stuff go wrong but then went back to work for normality.

It’s now, 2 months later, that I’ve referred myself to a local charity that deals with baby loss and infertility issues etc. They offer a 10 session counselling around the issue. I attend the assessment tomorrow. I’m not 100% sure it’s for me - this was unplanned and I’m more scarred by the protracted scary nature of it and perhaps my belief in my fertility is gone, I also wish I knew now at 33 whether I want kids or not but I have no idea.

I don’t know whether counselling is right for me butyet after a day at work I’m disproportionately emotionally exhausted and could cry. This isn’t the normal me.

So? Counselling I will try

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Hi Ladies

I went through Reptured Ectopic pregnancy in Feb.I was told I am lucky to be alive.I was suffering very long cos I was 9 weeks pregnancy when I was taken to AE.I end up having laproscopy and laprotomy cos my tube was already ruptured and I had internal bleeding.I had blood transfuzion…

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natija35:
Hi Ladies

I went through Ruptured Ectopic pregnancy in Feb.I was told I am lucky to be alive.I was suffering very long cos I was 9 weeks pregnant when I was taken to AE.I end up having laproscopy and laprotomy cos my tube was already ruptured and I had internal bleeding.I had blood transfuzion…

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EctopicPUL:
It’s hard. I feel I’m over it as my pregnancy was unplanned but it’s really weird that 2 people at work (one colleague, and one client that I have to counsel) both have the same due date i would’ve had.

Very weird. Makes me uncomfortable and I don’t know why. I guess a reminder when I’m in a work headspace.

So many layers of emotions hey

That’s how I feel. My ectopic pregnancy was unplanned. And now I’m having up and down days (my operation was just over a week ago) where I’m sobbing my heart out for a baby I didn’t want but now I do want but I also didn’t want but I do want… it goes round in circles. I’m very career focussed and my relationship has been a bit rocky lately and now this has happened and my emotions are everywhere. I do view it as a blessing because I wasn’t ready for a baby but I also am mourning this baby because I would have done everything in my power to love it if this didn’t happen. I don’t know. It’s a proper mess. And I feel guilty for all the feelings I’m feeling and the whole experience has been a whirlwind. You get told your pregnant then miscarrying then losing a Fallopian tube all within a few hours and then a few hours later you’ve had the operation and you’re sent home. It’s madness how quick it all happens and now we’re jjst left to pick up the pieces. I wish my friends understood and they’ve been great listeners but I just feel a mess. Reading other people stories and knowing they feel similar is a little reassuring however :slight_smile:

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The first month was terrible for hormones. Few years ago I have anxiety, and i initially thought I must be going crazy bc one minute I felt okay and fine and practical, hey I’m not in the best relationship and I didn’t want a baby and then next sobbing wtf just happened to me weeks and weeks of trauma. I’d cry at stupid things like the bank not updating my telephone number. Everything felt insurmountable and caring about stuff I previously did like work felt pointless. Slowly slowly a new normal does come back. I’m a few months down the line but am definitely not 100%. I think the trauma of it all, the shock and the future uncertainty takes a long time to process.

Take care of yourself. I use these forums as I only have my my mum and dad and they’re not very good at talking about stuff, my partner can listen but we don’t live together. I have great friends but the whole trauma of the situation for me, is only something that can be shared by others who have gone through it. It’s like an unspoken thing. It’s why I check the boards, I feel less alone but I also know how awful it feels when you’re right ‘in’ the centre of the storm.

I didn’t have surgery but I found taking some steps to self care - I took vitamins and omega oils (no prenatal vitamins for anyone on Methotrexate who reads this!) after discharge and started eating more healthily. Was a little way for me to take control after everything in my life had been taken out of my control for months on expectant management.

Now I don’t know whether I really want a baby, literally focused on it or whether actually is the total opposite of what I want in my life?! I love kids but do I want my own?! No idea. It’s rocked my world. And also if I want them now there’s this increased risk. I also feel I inflicted it on myself - one with the morning after pill (tho it’s possibly my fibroid that caused it) and also bc my initial reaction to the pregnancy test was absolute panic and “I can’t do this!”

I’m 4 months down the line and just writing that last line has brought tears to my eyes. Trying to power through and get back to normality bc I can’t allow myself to sink as I do have the potential for severe anxiety and depression.

This whole thing has been A lot. You’re not alone though. Take it day by day. Allow yourself time to rest - your brain needs time to process the trauma of what you’ve been through. I tried to power through but honestly sometimes your brain needs to watch silly sitcoms and sip green tea.

Friends are amazing and I’ve had people who have been absolute rocks. But you can only understand if you’ve been there is the befuddling mess of emotions. Remember you’ve been through trauma PLUS you’ve had the sudden drop in pregnancy hormones which when things go normally, give even the happiest mothers the baby blues. That combined with shock, fear, grief etc is bound to make you tearful.

Trust me- it does get easier, some form of normality does resume. For me, it’s definitely a newer normal though. I’m not the same person I was before, both good and bad actually.

Hope your physical recovery goes well too xx

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Hi All,

Thank You all for replying and sorry for me replying late. It such a hard thing to get your head around, and how quick it all happens. I thought I was doing OK, but today I just had a meltdown at work. I find sometimes the smallest things will set me off it has been 3 months since I lost my baby. I know we will all get through it and I guess its taking it day by day. I keep trying to think positive and have now signed up to donate my blood as I have B negative so hoping for some good karma to come my way.