Am I ‘normal’?

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1

I’m 2 years after my ectopic pregnancy. I had to have my right tube removed and I’m currently receiving fertility treatment to fall pregnant again. My doctor is hopeful so I’m trying to remain positive however recently I’m finding this positivity failing. Somebody at work announced they were pregnant not long ago. All the way through her trying to conceive it was ‘I’ve got what you had’ in need fertility treatment like you’ which was frustrating because all I kept thinking was ‘i wish I didn’t need it like you don’t’ but she never seemed to understand that…she still doesn’t. She’d been trying to conceive for less time then I have so now it ‘how is that fair?’ ‘Why her and not me?’ ‘What didn’t I do that she did?’ Then since then all my pain has come flooding back. I cry most days for the life I should’ve had but don’t. It’s the ‘you should be over this’ looks and the ‘your time will come’ and ‘what’ll be will be’ comments that hurt. I understand that’s because people don’t know what else to say. But yesterday I was told ‘aren’t you over this yet?’ Which got me thinking…should I be ‘over it?’ I want to feel ‘normal’ again whatever that means or should I be accepting of the reality that this is my ‘normal’. Somebody also called me a ‘victim’ yesterday and tbh I wanted to scream at them as I’ve never thought of myself as a victim before…but am I? I’ve got so many questions and feelings going round and round and I’m hoping by putting it all down here somebody will be able to help me through this fog.

Thank you to anybody who reads this xx

2

I had my left tube removed a few months ago and def feel similar things to you. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never forget and when someone falls pregnant around me it will always trigger feelings. I think ppl expect that with time it will all go away but you don’t forgot those you have lost in the past and our unborn babies are just the same. I think everything happens for a reason and at some point in our lives it will all make sense. I’ve learned the more I try to figure out all the answers, the more I am confused. When I address my feelings and accept what happened it tends to help as there was nothing I could have done to change it. I hope you can heal and grieve the loss of your baby, but dont put a time frame on it…

3

Thanks for the reply. It’s good to know I’m not alone in this and that my feelings are justified. I’m the same…when I let my feelings out I feel better for a short while. I let people’s comments bother me too much and they don’t know what it’s like to go through this. To me it’s not just the loss of a baby…it’s the loss of a life so dearly wanted! Maybe this is my new ‘normal’ and that’s okay…I just need to tell myself everything will be fine and what will be will be. It’s nice to see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel today…although how long that lasts…who knows. But also…who cares?!

4

Dear Bethney,

I guess we will all cope slightly differently following a traumatic event such as ectopic pregnancy.

Personally, I didn’t cope very well either and I also struggled with emotions for 2 years before contacting the Trust.

I found comfort in reading others posts. I didn’t feel so alone in how I was feeling. I was also advised to try counselling, which I did. Following this, I understood that although I would never forget my pregnancy or baby, I learnt to accept what had happened and crucially understand that it wasn’t my fault.

Experiencing ectopic pregnancy can be very isolating. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and we will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling services

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

Sending much love,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

The latest EPT newsletter is out now! You can take a look at the Winter edition and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

5

Thank you so much! Since contacting the site, reading other people’s journeys and putting my own feelings out there…I’ve had a better week!

Definitely needed this more then I thought!

EPT Host 20:
Dear Bethney,

I guess we will all cope slightly differently following a traumatic event such as ectopic pregnancy.

Personally, I didn’t cope very well either and I also struggled with emotions for 2 years before contacting the Trust.

I found comfort in reading others posts. I didn’t feel so alone in how I was feeling. I was also advised to try counselling, which I did. Following this, I understood that although I would never forget my pregnancy or baby, I learnt to accept what had happened and crucially understand that it wasn’t my fault.

Experiencing ectopic pregnancy can be very isolating. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and we will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling services

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

Sending much love,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

The latest EPT newsletter is out now! You can take a look at the Winter edition and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

6

No problem. It’s a help for me as well to know I’m not crazy. This form has been so helpful and hearing the stories as it can be isolating. I may appear like i have it all together and than all it takes is a little baby to remind me of the bitter reality of what happened. It amazes me how much love you can have for something without a heartbeat. The part that really upset me was when two separate people seemed to be shocked with how emotional I was and than proceeded to tell me “but you know its not a baby right”? We all started out that way…like a seed in the earth doesn’t grow into a plant with out the first beginnings…for the most part people are helpful but some just make it worse. Thanks for listening. Xox

7

Bld1:
No problem. It’s a help for me as well to know I’m not crazy. This form has been so helpful and hearing the stories as it can be isolating. I may appear like i have it all together and than all it takes is a little baby to remind me of the bitter reality of what happened. It amazes me how much love you can have for something without a heartbeat. The part that really upset me was when two separate people seemed to be shocked with how emotional I was and than proceeded to tell me “but you know its not a baby right”? We all started out that way…like a seed in the earth doesn’t grow into a plant with out the first beginnings…for the most part people are helpful but some just make it worse. Thanks for listening. Xox

Yeh I don’t think people realise how hurtful their comments can be…like they have to have an opinion but they don’t actually know what it’s like to go through it. It’s amazing what we can make people think we feel like by looking at us yet we know we are drowning and struggling to hold it together inside. I don’t think people truly understand what we’ve been through as they’ve not been through it themselves xx

8

Well I hope this never happens again. I’m just gonna avoid small children for a while. Which means I wont get to see my friends as they are literally all preganant or have just had babies. It’s just too hard. I’m fine and than I get together with one of them and they talk about their excitement. I than just get really confused as I never wanted kids and now I don’t know what I want. I’m too scared to go through the same ordeal again and I’m unsure that I’ll ever be ready for kids. Now I can’t help but think, maybe I’m supposed to have a child. These types of situations change a person and I’m scared that it’s changed my mind on something I was always so sure about. I still feel so disconnected to myself I don’t know about you? I hope this will change then things will go back to normal.

9

Yeah I totally understand what you mean. I have up and down days where I’m okay with peoples pregnancy’s that’s days where I’m not. Unfortunately I can’t avoid small children as I work in a nursery but I also think that this has helped me overcome some of my anxiety and worries about it. Having children is all I’ve ever wanted so I have been trying again but I do have that same fear of it happening again as it was a scary time. I’m lucky that I’m under a consultant now who’s helping me fall pregnant. There’s days where I want to just shut myself off from the world, days where I want to cry and scream and days where I ‘manage’ whatever that means. As for wanting another child only you can decide if it’s something you want. Don’t put pressure on yourself about deciding.

Bld1:
Well I hope this never happens again. I’m just gonna avoid small children for a while. Which means I wont get to see my friends as they are literally all preganant or have just had babies. It’s just too hard. I’m fine and than I get together with one of them and they talk about their excitement. I than just get really confused as I never wanted kids and now I don’t know what I want. I’m too scared to go through the same ordeal again and I’m unsure that I’ll ever be ready for kids. Now I can’t help but think, maybe I’m supposed to have a child. These types of situations change a person and I’m scared that it’s changed my mind on something I was always so sure about. I still feel so disconnected to myself I don’t know about you? I hope this will change then things will go back to normal.

10

Wow, I couldn’t imagine working in a nursery. I would probably want to cry and than take them lol. JK Well im glad your trying. I feel like maybe if you got pregnant it might help with the feelings of loss as you can now focus your energy on the new little one inside you. Even though we both had a terrible experience, I guess we shouldn’t let that overtake us. If we are meant to have babies than it will happen. There is always a bigger brighter plan for our lives and I think we just need to trust that it will get better.

11

Yeah I’m thinking that if I do fall pregnant then that hole would be filled a little bit as it gives me something to focus on and look forward too…not wonder what if. I’ve got everything crossed that things are going to get better…just I’m impatient :lol: