Hi I lost my little splodge almost 8 years ago… the time has passed so quickly, I have tried or wanted to try for children in fact the older I get the less I think I want them… except my sister told me she was pregnant last night, I want to say this I could not be happier for her if I tried but is it wrong I have spent the evening in tears missing something I could never have? I don’t want one (a baby) but greif for my little splodge has swept over me like a cloud… please tell me this is ok because I feel guilty that my sisters happy happy news has made me feel so low and so lost. I am confused. I keep looking at my scars and these hideous memories appear… the blood, the pain, then finding out I was pregnant and on top of that, that I had no choice but to have it removed and then that I would lose a tube. There were moments in those dark few hours I would have rather died, but then your in surgery and you wake up and your left with a whole in your heart, a numbness, and then life moves on, and 8 years later you think you should be fine but your not… the pain is there the love I feel is there I wish I could have seen him I wish I could of had a copy of the scan or a little box to have buried him… I am hurting… 8 years on and not ok… is that ok?
Dear SusieW
Thank you so much for having the courage to reach out to us at this time.
I too struggled with my emotions after my ectopic pregnancy and it took me 2years to contact the Trust. Here I found that my feelings were completely normal and sharing my thoughts and feelings and reading other people’s posts really helped.
When I contacted the Trust, although I was reassured that my feelings were normal and there is no timeframe for recovery, I was gently advised that holding onto these feelings for such a long time could affect my health.
I was invited to talk about my feelings and also to look into counselling which I did. Through counselling, I learnt that we will never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn’t our fault.
We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It’s what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need.
We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.
In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling services.
The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/
I know that when I had my ectopic pregnancy I looked for a reason and almost automatically we do tend to blame ourselves. From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy from happening. I cannot emphasise enough - you are not to blame. Please be kind to yourself and I send you gentle hugs.
Karen x
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Further information is available at http://www.ectopic.org.uk
Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.
Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.
I am so grateful to you for posting this. It will be 7 years next week since my ectopic, I feel I should be able to deal with it by now but it seems to be harder each year.
Thankyou for sharing.
I hope you’re doing ok.
Big hugs. Sounds totally normal but no less distressing xxx
Cornishgirl:
I am so grateful to you for posting this. It will be 7 years next week since my ectopic, I feel I should be able to deal with it by now but it seems to be harder each year.Thankyou for sharing.
I hope you’re doing ok.
For me also harder each year because something new triggers it! Just know your not the only one feeling like you are and it’s normal. Keep strong. Big gentle hugs sx
Hi, I’m from Canada and waiting for my last HCG blood test to be back to normal no Pregnancy level.
Some couple of days ago I attended an engineering networking event (which is basically a male domain field) in order to distract my mind. Ironically, one of the speakers she was a lady of my same age and a very advanced pregnancy and I couldn’t believe it.
Although I know that jealousy feeling towards pregnant ladies; I wish them a healthy pregnancy and health for their babies because it doesn’t mean they already made it, you never know what can happen to them later. Hence, I wish they don’t get the same what I’ve been through.
I know exactly how your feeling , I had an ectopic pregnancy 3 years ago and me and my partner have been trying to conceive again for about a year now . (I’m 25) My 18 year old sister has recently just met a guy and fell pregnant . It’s honestly broke my heart and I know I should be happy for her but she’s just got everything I’ve always wanted without even trying …