flying kites

Poems, Prose, and Words of Remembrance
1

Oh my darlings

Today I spent on slides, swings, cleaning chocolate-covered faces, wiping noses and even crashing (not flying :roll: :smiley: !!) kites with your daddy and your two cousins.

To see how much life they have in them and then when they tired to hold them close to me and stoke their soft and utterly perfect skin and smell their beautiful hair

I had such a lovely day but my darlings I miss you.

I miss all that we could have done together

I muss all the fun we could have had together

I miss not having you all here with me

You know I would give everything in the world up to have you here, to be able to chase you, tickle you, make you laugh, watch your daddy trying to fly a kite with you - and fail miserably!!

I would give the rest of the universe up to have you here with me where you all belong my darlings - truely I would.

I’m sorry A -your daddy- doesn’t get. He would have been such a fabulous daddy, the best in the world but he either can’t admit how much he loves you because it will hurt him too much or well… he will my darlings when he holds you in his arms.

I love you all with my entire heart my precious little ones

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Please God let me have one to hold - one to look after, love and give a wonderful, happy life to.

I’m a mother, my God, from the moment I felt the love for my first child almost 4years ago and then the absolute torment and agony when I lost her - I know what it is to be a mother. But please God give me a child. Make it my turn. I don’t want to keep giving ‘back’ I want more than anything in the world to be kept awake at night, every night if not soothing their cries then watching them sleep soundly beside me.

I beg you

2

I hope with all my heart that you do.

((Hugs))

Sarah xxxxxxxxxx

3

Sarah

Thank you

xxx

4

Oh my darlings

Things would be so different wouldn’t they? All I want is to have you here with me. I love you with every single piece of me.

To nurse you, soothe you, tuck you in at night and be there at the start of every new exciting day full of new discoveries for you to enjoy…

My darlings know that not a moment goes past without me feeling you but I would do anything just for a few moments of you still inside me again.

To know that you were that close, to know that I could put my hand to the place that just a few cms away there you were - you were with me literally

I regret so much…

I regret my body, I regret have something so major to grieve, I regret being fundementally sad for almost four years, I regret the pain, the anguish, the arguements, I regret the affect it’s had on me, to my relationship, and most of all on A.

But if I could turn the clocks back I’d only go back to savour your time with me again - if I could save you I’d do it in a shot - but I wouldn’t cut out your presence in my life not for all the pain and regrets in the world.

I’m sorry my body let you all down.

The months pregnant with you are the most precious in my life and I will never truely be at peace without you.

xxxxxxxx

5

My darling Lyndsay…you have me in floods of tears

:cry:

I so wish with all my heart that you and A do get to have one to hold and love to the ends of the earth.

Thinking of you always

Much love

Samxxxxx

6

Well babes

Putting it on here rather late but my goodness I thought of you on Friday. You would have been 3years old!

How time just flies past…

My first little one; happy birthday :smiley:

Mummy loves you with all her heart

xxxx

7

Hi Lyndsay,

I am so sorry for what you have been through!

I have never posted on the forum, but after reading your thread, I felt compelled to. You have such a beautiful way with words!

Take care

C x

8

My darlings

You know how mummy’s feeling at the moment I’m sure.

I think I’ve finally accepted what the plan for your little lives were but I need to be a mum in this crazy life…

I spent time with your two big (and little I suppose) cousins yesterday and it felt so right to be playing in the paddling pool, then in the evening snuggling up and reading Mr Men books.

Mr Jelly and Mr Brave how utterly ironic eh?

I can’t get it all out of my head.

My heart just went to mush (in a good way :smiley: ) and honestly I can’t get rid of the feel of utter longing.

I want a child more than anything in the world - I just wish to God it was more straight forward…

I look at A’s sister - pg again and due in the next couple of weeks and I think :? why can’t that be me - just once that’s all I want just once

It feels so right so why can’t it be?

My darlings I love you, please give me some strength to get past this. I’m alright - really ok - but I just can’t accept that I’m going to live my life without anyone calling me mummy…

I just can’t

xxxxxxxx

9

Hey my darlings

So you have another new little cousin. A perfect little baby girl.

I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to let you have this life.

I’m so sorry that even now I have a wobble at the new baby cards section in card shops.

I’m so so sorry that A won’t get to have and experience what your uncle D is just now.

Big deep breaths and I’ll continue to make it through the day with a smile on my face…

Big deep breaths tomorrow when I visit… be there with me my darlings and give me some extra strength for that…

With all my love and the softest of gentle hugs and kisses

xxxxxxxxxxx

10

Thanks you sweeties for your strength yesterday when I visited your new little cousin.

I could feel you with us today in the the park with the boys.

I could feel you making it easier for me to push the pram, and have fun with O.

I could just see you looking over us.

I’ll get there my darlings I promise.

All my love

xxxxxx

S. Gerardo Maiella

Prayer for Mothehood

O good St Gerard, powerful

intercessor before God and

Wonder-worker of our day, I

call upon thee and seek thy aid.

Thou who on earth didst always

fulfill God’s design help me to do

the Holy Will of God. Beseech the Master

of Life, from Whom all paternity

proceedeth to render me fruitful

in offspring, that I may raise up

children to God in this life and

heirs to the Kingdom of His glory

in the world to come.

Amen

11

Well my darlings

Just found out a new little niece or nephew will be arriving in a few months.

Do your aunt and uncle realise how lucky they are? I sincerely wonder… I’m sure they appreciate it but do they know just…

I’m trying hard my darling - throwing myself into work but can’t help feeling that someone up there is having some kind of joke. I’m going to Mass to try and reolve that one :wink: but I mean - his family are the most fertile in the universe!!! :roll:

Ho hum…

Spending time with your cousins tonight and tomorrow - that’ll either make me feel much better or worse not too sure.

I’m fine.

I love you my darlings

I so wish you were here with me.

xxxxxxx

12

It’s that month again - October.

Four years my darling.

Can’t stop thinking about you sweetie.

I feel guilty sometimes for being ‘alright’ but there are moments my darlings when I can’t get you out of my head. The past few days you have all been firmly there.

I can’t cry. I think I need to but I can’t seem to at the moment.

Maybe tonight will help.

Help me to get to the 15th peacefully…

I love you all so much.

I wish, I wish, I wish… you know I do…

xxxxxxxx

13

A bit early but I’ve been thinking about you…

Four years tomorrow my darlings and it will be the fourth anniversary of my first ectopic and also baby loss awareness day.

The 15th October.

Spent the day with your cousins today - oh what I would give to have you here with me.

I love you my darlings and you will always be in my heart.

Thank you for helping me get to this point. Four years ago and all the knocks and nightmares along the way I never thought it would ease even slightly but do you know as much as I long for you - you’ve started to heal me and fix me back together.

xxxx

14

Very beautiful, those words of yours.

They made my cry, because I recognised so much of myself in them. My sister gave birth to her first child, as I lost my third child (3rd EP in 10 months) and I asked my children as well to gave me strength holding my nephew a month later.

I hope you managed it to get along the 15th of October. I am wishing you all the strength in the world to carry on, with or without living children of yourself.

Hugs, Cindy

15

Can’t believe I’m starting out on this journey again my darlings.

I’m so afraid that I lose this little one, so afraid I have to go through another loss and all the unbearable emotions that brings…

So frightened every time I go to the toilet in case there’s bleeding…

I don’t know what to think.

Please look over us my darlings and keep this little one safe.

xxxxx

16

Oh my darlings

Eeek! I have my scan tomorrow :shock: :?

So incredibly nervous but so desperate for it to be alright.

Look over me tomorrow my darlings and keep this little one safe and healthy.

Oh to see a little heart beating tomorrow… I would do anything. And for that little heart to out beat mine…

I will always be your mummy, you will always be my special little ones but please let this work… I would do anything.

xxxxx

17

Those beautiful angel babies were indeed looking out for you hun x

18

Oh my darlings

I’m thinking about you today.

I hope you chuckled at my outburst at the taxi driver on Monday - nosey so-and-so! He shouldn’t have asked the question if he didn’t want a proper answer! This isn’t my first baby I’m carrying nor will it ever be.

To see this little one’s heartbeat… - well you know how I’m feeling.

Thank you for looking over us and please, please, please continue to.

You will always be my babies, nothing will ever change that.

xxxxx

19

I received a Mothers Day card from your lovely, lovely daddy this morning and I thought of you in every word.

I am so grateful to have this wee life inside me and I pray all will be well this time.

I still thinking of you though, with every week that passes, for all the worry and excitement…the lot…

Look after this wee life, I desperately need my child to hold

xxxxxxxxx

20

Oh my darlings

I can’t believe I have a fully fledged bump! I never thought in a million years I would get this far.

There are times when I wish more than anything that it had all been more straight forward- that I could have carried you all to term and be looking after you but you taught me so so much in the short time that you were here and I just know that if I’m lucky enough to give birth to this little one -that I will catch glimpses of you all in his or her eyes.

Please keep looking over this wee life, just under 20weeks to go now!

Lots of love,

xxx