I found out I was expecting you in September. I was in shock as I am sure you know and it took me a while to get my head around the idea of becoming a mum. However, as I settled in to the idea, I became happy with the thought and excited. When I spoke to you in the bedroom and told you I loved you and I’d always look after you I meant it and I did try as hard as I could.
I found out a couple of weeks later that you were in the wrong place. I didn’t know what to make of the news. Suddenly I know longer had you and I was devastated. It is perhaps the hardest news I’ve ever had to hear. My numbers were low so I thought it would be best if you slowly slipped away with no medical intervention. I thought this would be best for you and for me but there were other plans afoot for you and me. On 21 October, a month after I found out you were in my tube, I ruptured. I had the operation and you were removed from me.
My heart was broken and I’ve never felt pain like it. I felt like let you down. I’d failed you in the first place as I hadn’t been able to get you to my womb and I failed you again. I hope you know that I love you and that I never meant to let you down. You’ll always be my first baby no matter where you are and they’ll never be a time when I don’t think about you. I am just sorry I couldn’t do more for you but I hope to see you one day and hold you and tell you all you mean to me. I miss you everyday.
My second baby came to me in January. I was very excited because I’d gotten pregnant so fast. I was so nervous wondering whether you’d be in the right place. I started to bleed at about 5 weeks but the nurses told me to wait until my scan. I waited and when I was scanned at 6 weeks, there you were. You were beautiful with your heartbeat beating away. The bleeding never really went away, however, and I just felt there was something wrong.
I was scanned a week and a half later and there you were again, still there with your beautiful strong heartbeat. The bleeding continued over the next couple of weeks and I just knew something wasn’t right. No matter what everyone was telling me I could sense that you wouldn’t be with me for long. I fought for you everyday and hoped, above everything else, that you would stay but there were other plans for you. I was scanned at 10 weeks and was told that your heart had stopped beating.
The pain was horrific. I wanted you back. I missed you and felt like my heart had been torn from me. I’d didn’t want to be here if you weren’t here with me. My only comfort was that you would not be alone. I now had two angels and I knew you’d both look after one another. I miss you every day. I love you and I tried everything to keep me with you. I often think of you playing with each other in the clouds and I hope that you are happy together. I will be with you one day and I will tell you how much I love you.
You both changed my life in so many ways and I will never be the same person again. You both know, I am sure, that I am pregnant again. I wouldn’t be pregnant with this baby if it wasn’t for both you and we will never ever forget you. You are both part of our family and always will be. Please look after me and this baby, I love you and I will see you one day. Until then please be happy and look after one another. I miss you and always will.
xx