Hello. My name is Katie. 5 years ago we lost our first baby to ectopic which resulted in the loss of my left tube. I was so sad and angry and it all felt very confusing. We hadn’t been trying exactly so I was totally taken aback by the depth of grief! How could I miss something so much that I had never really wanted??? But, turns out I did want it. I wanted motherhood. I wanted to give my partner a baby. He would be such a good dad! We’d be such a good team! We’d be great at it!
Tragically, it happened again a year later. We lost our 2nd chance and my last tube. And we prayed SO hard for this one to be able to stay! It seemed so unfair.
We spoke about IVF, adoption, all the usual questions and stages and eventually we came to peace with our lot. We have a nice life. We love each other. We are bonded, tightly form our shared experiences and the love and trust that we have grown between us is a true blessing. I am grateful.
And that’s my point today. That’s why I’m writing this. I want to say that even though the grief felt like the size of a whole sea, even though I felt I was getting washed away and there was nothing left of me, even through all that I can find and feel joy. I feel total joy that mine and his bodies wanted to make magic together. I feel real joy that I have survived, that I am a survivor: you know this is a tuff road n not all of us make it. I feel joy that I got the chance to be pregnant and feel the wholeness of life growing inside me. And I feel joy at all the othe babies that I get to share my life with and be part of theirs as they grow, free to be fully engaged with my whole heart.
I hope this gives someone hope. I hope this reaches someone and helps in some way.
(This song is what got me through. Maybe it’ll touch someone here too:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8AegG5en2g
If you do like the song the couple who sing it have made a beautiful and touching film about their own story of loss. I found it very helpful.)
Sending this out with a really big hug. A really, really big hug xxx