1 year anniversary

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Yesterday was my one year anniversary of my Ectopic pregnancy. Feels like it’s gone so quick but also like it was yesterday.

I just feel so many emotions. Sadness and guilt and anger and mostly I feel alone in my house. My boyfriend thinks it’s sad what happened but not like how I do.

He has a 6 year old from a previous relationship and it makes it harder. Looking at the two of them and feeling sad I don’t have my baby.

We weren’t trying, it was unplanned, I was on the pill. When we found out in A&E we both said we didn’t want it, I was worried we weren’t married and we were planning a holiday. I feel disgusting I said those things now. I was in shock and a ton of pain. Had I been given the number of days to think before they allow an abortion I know I would have kept them.

I wish I could have kept them. I’m struggling to sleep. I feel like something is missing from me.

I’m due to start therapy on Tuesday after being on the waiting list this past year. Back on antidepressants due to panic attacks and not sleeping.

I’m rambling but I just need to know I’m not completely alone.

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You’re definitely not alone my love… My operation was exactly a year ago too and it sucks. I’ve found my way to partially cope is by writing poems of how I feel. For some reason they come more easily to me and I can verbalise how I’m feeling more than if I were to try to tell someone outright. I’ve struggled recently with allowing myself to feel the grief and sadness, thinking “shouldn’t I be over this by now?!” but a year isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things… I have no words of wisdom for you or anything like that… But know you’re not alone. The anniversary has been hard and I’ve felt quite isolated. Don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it anymore… All the love and healing hugs winging their way to you chic xxx xxx

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Yeah I think because everyone else has forgotten and moved on with their lives I should have too or I shouldn’t be stuck in this stage anymore. But I sill feel the grief immensely.

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Dear LP1990,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,

Anniversaries can be particularly hard and a stark reminder of what could have been, but honestly your feelings about this are normal. 10 years later and although the feelings aren’t as raw and painful, I still feel sad on the anniversary of my ectopic pregnancy too.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You weren’t expecting to be pregnant and then suddenly had to deal with a life threatening emergency situation, your emotions would have been all over the place. I know that when I had my ectopic pregnancy I also looked for a reason and almost automatically we tend to blame ourselves. From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy from happening. I cannot emphasise enough - you are not to blame.

I am glad to hear that you are starting therapy soon, I too had counselling after my ectopic pregnancy. It helped me understand that whilst we will never forget our pregnancy or babies, we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn’t our fault.

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

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