Iām really struggling after my second ectopic. We were so excited to be pregnant, having TTC for nearly 14 months beforehand. The first was traumatic, happened just after Christmas and was incredibly painful - it happened during one of the doctors strikes so spent the night from 9pm in A+E fainting in and out of consciousness with incredibly low blood pressure and a lot of pain, before being transported to another hospital where we had to wait to be scanned until 8.30am. From the point of the ultrasound to being rushed into surgery, I was in so much pain that I wasnāt able to process the loss until afterwards. I lost over a litre and a half of blood, had my right tube removed and had to have a 3 night stay in hospital.
Our second loss was a complete surprise three weeks ago, and I believed to have had a period two weeks before and we didnāt know we were pregnant. The pain wasnāt as bad this time, and we reported to the EPU where we had to wait again for a scan, knowing the whole time I was having another ectopic but this time the lack of pain meant that I could sit and think about it all far too much. I was taken down for surgery that evening, and was told the following morning that the ectopic had been on the same side, and had attached itself to a small stump that had been left from the first tube removal.
Even though I know this is best case scenario because I didnāt lose my second tube, I am equally terrified of getting pregnant again and facing another loss, and it never happening again. I have never been an anxious person, but now I feel helpless and alone.
I canāt stand seeing people announce their pregnancies, and I feel like however much I adore my friends I canāt constantly be the doom cloud so if they ask how I am I say Iām fine. I donāt know who to turn to. My husband is the most supportive man I could ask for, but he is grieving this loss too and however much he tells me not to feel guilty I canāt help it. I feel like Iāve let him down, like Iāve robbed my parents of being grandparents again and I canāt stand the fact that I should have been having my first baby this August, and instead Iām mourning the loss of two.
I also have massive guilt at work for having had so much time off, as a teacher you spend your life worrying about the kids in front of you even though you know you shouldnāt, and I canāt shake the feeling that Iāve let people down.
In addition to all of this, my brother his having a baby and his girlfriend is on the same timeline I should have been on for this second pregnancy. She has two children already and they havenāt been together long, and although I love them together and think sheās a breath of fresh air and blooming brilliant for my brother, I canāt help but feel jealous and upset that Iām the one whoās married and been with my husband nearly over a decade but sheās the one who gets the baby, and gets to be the one to make my parents grandparents.
I feel like I need to speak to someone professional but I donāt know where to start, Iāve tried to look up counsellors but I canāt seem to find someone who I feel will understand me properly. I donāt know how Iām going to deal with August, and I donāt know how to deal with a new niece or nephew when I should have been having a baby too.
