Can’t stop…

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1

Hi,

So about a week ago I had emergent surgery due to ectopic pregnancy and a tubal rupture resulting in over 1000cc of internal bleeding. It was the most excruciating and scary experience. I’ve had crazy hormonal shifts since, mostly fluctuating between sadness, anger, and guilt. One minute I’m ok and trying to carry on with my responsibilities (at home or at work); the next minute I’m crying. Then I get such strong anger at myself. I get so over-stimulated with my other children that I just want to scream. Next thing I know, I’m feeling all the guilt: guilt that my body didn’t do its job in protecting the lost baby. Guilt that I can’t do the typical things I do at home or at work. Guilt that I have such a short fuse before I yell or shut down with my family. I feel like I’ve turned into a monster. When will this all start calming down and let me feel myself?

The few people I’ve told, why do they immediately ask if we were trying to have a baby? As if we wouldn’t want it? Maybe they think we’re relieved this happened?? What does it matter if we were trying or not. At the end of the day, there was a baby and now there isn’t.

I don’t know what to feel, but all I can think right now is how I’m failing. I failed my baby. I am failing my job. I have especially failed my kids. My husband seems unphased and has resumed normal work hours- meaning I’m on my own for most afterschool parenting/cooking/bathing/homework…etc. I’ve not been handling things well.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. It seems like I’ve lost my mind but I really just don’t know what to do.

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Hi JN1126,

I am so sorry to hear that you have suffered this ectopic pregnancy and loss. I want you to know that you are not alone. These boards are filled with women and men who are, unfortunately, united by this experience.

Your surgery is still very recent. It’s important for you to remember that there was nothing you did to cause nor nothing that could have prevented an ectopic pregnancy. Many women experience a mix of feelings and this can include grief, hurt at loss and anger. Trying not to blame yourself is important, as it is no fault of yours, and nothing sadly could have been done from stopping the ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage from happening.

Physical recovery is often quicker than emotional recovery. We operate a helpline service, and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely, and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too if you prefer that route.

Also, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help, and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling services. The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

No matter what, we are here for you whenever you need us. Please know you are not alone and take all the time you need to look after yourself and recover. We are here for you whenever you want to talk.

With good wishes,

Michele

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

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