I Don’t know how I feel after ruptured ectopic

I was rushed into hospital with internal bleeding on 10th November last year and had emergency surgery to remove my left Fallopian tube, now, over three months on, I am still an emotional mess.

At first I tried to pretend like it didn’t happen, just wanted to get back to work and get on with things, but then after a bit I realised how traumatised I actually was. I am taking anti depressants and have been since the end of December, but so many emotions go through my head. I get angry, sad and blame myself a lot trying to suss out why it happened to me.

I was smoking, but quit when I found out, but was it this? Is this my punishment for something? I caught chlamydia once a few years back too and had it treated with anti-biotics, but is this what did it?

I keep replaying the morning that I was rushed into hospital (as much as I can remember) but keep blaming myself. I’m so angry at myself for losing the baby.

For a while I didn’t want my partner to get near me after the surgery, and we lost our spark, but just recently have it back again a bit more and I really want to try together again for a baby.

I feel like I’m upset and angry, super irrational, but am making everything worse for myself, as I am not treating my partner as good as I should be and as he deserves, but I can’t seen to help myself, and struggle to talk to anyone else.

My partners sister had just annoubced that she is pregnant with her 5th child and I was sad and jealous when I found out, instead of super excited at first. That’s not me and how I normally am.

Is there something wrong with me?

Dear Cherry123,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,

When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment reduction in fertility concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal, there is nothing wrong with you.

There is no time frame for how long it takes us to heal emotionally and it is completely normal to feel anxious about the future. We will never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn’t our fault.

We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It’s what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need

Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and I will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need. We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling services.

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

I know that when I had my ectopic pregnancy I also looked for a reason and almost automatically we tend to blame ourselves. From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy from happening. I cannot emphasise enough - you are not to blame. Please be kind to yourself and I send you gentle hugs.

Karen x


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Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk

Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.

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