Advice on handling close family pregnancy announcements after an ectopic?

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I got married in January of this year, and less than 2 months later found out I was very unexpectedly pregnant. I am on the contraceptive implant, so was baffled enough by the positive pregnancy test in the first place, let alone to be told a few days later it was ectopic. I did not need to do anything other than watch and wait (which was an emotional few weeks in itself) and things were back to “normal” quite soon. We are not quite ready for children yet, but it was still a loss that was incredibly difficult for me to process. I also now feel robbed of the early excitement I was hoping to feel when falling pregnant for the first time, as am terrified of going through this again.

Fast forward to now, and my sister has just announced she is pregnant (also unexpected) with her first child. She is over the moon, and I am so excited for her but I’m also finding myself mentally straight back where I was a few months ago. We have just moved house and are now living a lot closer to her, which I am thrilled about, but it’s very hard to be around the excitement she’s feeling. The hardest part in all of it is that I’m already getting a lot of comments along the lines of “You should get pregnant too so we can experience this together!” and “It’ll be your turn before you know it!”

If anyone has any advice on how to manage this new wave of emotions (or equally how to respond to the “you’re next” comments) I’d be so grateful!

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I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this! I had my ectopic a couple of months ago.

I don’t know if this helps but the same week as my ectopic three of my friends announced their pregnancies. I was heartbroken, angry and even envious of their healthy pregnancies, to the point I couldn’t see them in person. When I eventually did see them, I was just honest and explained that I was happy for them but I was just still too devastated for myself. They all actually understood it and were nothing but supportive of me and then it actually allowed me to support them. Now I can hear about their pregnancies/babies without getting emotional or upset.

It’s okay to feel however you feel. I think you just have to own it, and if it’s impacting your relationships, try talking about it. I promise it gets a tiny bit easier each and every day x

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Dear AB2024,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy loss,

We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. Does your sister and close family or friends know if your ectopic pregnancy and baby loss?. If not, it might be worth having an honest talk about how you are feeling. Actually, it might help even if they do know. We can be happy for others but as you have said, it can be very triggering for our own loss, and sometimes we just need some space and time to process these feelings.

This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need.

With regards to other peoples comments, it depends how you feel. I know they are well meaning, but there is an expectation in society that we will get married and have children. Some couples actively choose not to have children, some struggle to conceive and some sail through, but ultimately our journey is no-one else’s business.

You could say whatever you feel comfortable saying. Some people may say things like- we have tried but sadly it didn’t work out, or we will when we are ready, we’re still newly married and enjoying each others company, so you don’t have to say anything at all.

I completely understand what you mean by it robbing you of future happiness on finding out we’re pregnant again as I felt exactly the same. You will have a 6 week early pregnancy scan will all subsequent pregnancies, which will hopefully this will offer some reassurance.

With regards to trying to conceive again, iis normal to feel anxious about the future. We experience a mix of emotions from wanting to try again to being petrified of what may lie ahead. We never forget but we can learn to accept what happened. It is a slow process that might be weeks or months ahead. In time, we can get to a place where we feel comfortable trying again. When this is, is individual for each person. There is no timeframe for recovery, take each day as it comes.

There is also a specific Preparing for your Next Pregnancy board you can look at too whenever feel ready.

Above all, be kind to yourself and allow time to grieve and heal both physically and emotionally,

We will be here for you for as long as you need,

Sending much love,

Karen x

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