Hi all
Firstly sending love to anyone on this page.
I am 3 weeks post surgery. Generally feeling a real mix of emotions. I have a couple of bbqs this month with friends which have been planned for a while. I’m at a stage in life where all of our friends are getting married and announcing pregnancies. I didn’t think a pregnancy announcement would be something that would ever trigger me but I suspect a friend who I am seeing at the weekend is pregnant and feel anxious with how Ill react if they share the news as one minute I feel okay then the next ill feel so emotional. The last thing I want to do is burst into tears in front of them. I haven’t told any of them about my loss, mainly because I haven’t seen them but also they are the partners of my Husband’s friends and not overly close to them and wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing in a large group. I dont want to cancel as feel its important for me and my husband to resume some “normality” and also the longer I leave social situations Im sure the harder it will be. Just wondered if anyone had any tips on coping with pregnancy announcements or has felt the same?
Dear Pinkrose,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy loss.
We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. I remember that I did take myself off and have a little cry in the bathroom at one point as I felt so overwhelmed. It was hard, but my partner kept checking in with a little look or squeeze of the hand, which I really found comforting. It’s what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space. I wish I had more advice, perhaps have a plan with your partner so they can be by your side of come and interrupt a conversation if it is becoming too much, a secret hand signal or word, to help you if needed…
Above all, remember to please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need
Sending much love,
Karen x
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I’m so sorry you’re going this. I had a ruptured ectopic in March, as well as a miscarriage in July. I’m also at that life stage where everyone is announcing a pregnancy, already pregnant or giving birth. I’ve found social media to be a big trigger for me, my explore page on Instagram is filled with pregnancy and birth announcements. I have a two year old and so many of my mum’s group are pregnant with their second, giving birth around the times I would have had my babies. I’m finding myself pulling back from them a lot, which is hard when they’ve been such a big support over the last two years.
I don’t have any profound advice, but please know you’re not alone. I have shared my losses with close friends and family, and whilst it has been hard it has helped to share what I’m going through so they can sit in my feeling too, or be more sensitive around the topics we discuss.
I also have a friend who’s just had her third child and I had to open up to her about my losses to explain my absence in her postpartum period. I really want to be there to support her through her postpartum period, but emotionally and physically I need to give myself space to heal before I can support someone else. She’s an amazing friend and understands. I still feel guilty for not being ‘strong enough’. I know she will be there for me when I’m through the worst of my grief, but right now we have some distance between us. Your true friends will understand and be there for you when you need.
You are grieving and healing, give yourself space. If that means avoiding some functions at this time, don’t feel guilty about it or feel you need to rush back into normal routine/life. You have been through something traumatic, its okay to need time for you. But I also understand the need to get back into your normal routine, like Karen mentioned, work with your partner on ways they can support you when in public settings. Talk about what my trigger your emotions and a plan for if a trigger appears. Maybe staying together the whole function so you can squeeze hands when one of you needs a break, or having some words/phrases that could mean you need to leave early etc.
All the best x
Thank you Karen and @jsbksc for your kind words and advice. I’m so sorry to hear about your losses @jsbksc life can be so cruel. Hope you are looking after yourself as best you can and understand exactly how you feel about pulling away from others especially around the same milestones/ times.
In the end I ended up not going to the couple of functions I had planned and feel so much better for this mentally and feel small steps has definitely been the way forward building up to bigger events and I have made people aware I am taking one day at a time x