My ectopic was in March, and I would have been due in October. I feel like I’ve coped with it quite well, and we’ve now been trying for a couple of months to get pregnant again.
Yesterday, a close friend had invited my husband and I, plus two other couples who we are good friends with and who both have kids (1 year, and 2 months) for breakfast. We hadn’t seen each other for 6 weeks or so as we’ve all been busy during summer. As we sat down for coffee, my friend took off her apron and reveals a sizeable baby bump, 18 weeks to be exact.
I was stunned and have no idea how I held it together. She had been there for me so much after the ectopic, yet had never, before or after, even so much as mentioned she was trying or thinking about trying.
Luckily we had to leave fairly soon after, but now I’m devastated. I feel like she’s behaved so insensitively. I can’t understand why she couldn’t have warned me before trapping me in that situation. My other friends both understood and sent messages afterwards asking if I was ok. They were stunned by the pregnacy too.
I now feel like not only have I been kicked back several months in getting over my loss, but how am I going to face her again? I’m angry and upset. Am I wrong to think it was pretty cruel of her?
Dear Emcano,
I am sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss. It is an overwhelming experience and I will do my best to help.
Although well-meaning friends and family didn’t truly understand how I felt following my ectopic pregnancy or how difficult it was for me. I personally struggled for years after my ectopic pregnancy before seeking help and I think my friends expected me to ‘get over’ it pretty quickly. Often they were insensitive without realising it. I am glad to hear you have support from your other friends during this difficult time. If you are strong enough and have the relationship with her that you can be honest and open about your feelings and emotions, I would perhaps try talking to her about how difficult this time is for you.
We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It’s what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need.
Sending much love and warm hugs,
Karen x
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I totally see why you were upset by your friend. Perhaps she she felt uncomfortable about telling you beforehand and then went about it completely the wrong way. I personally would have preferred a bit of forewarning, rather than a full on bump announcement, but if she hasn’t been through something like you then she really won’t understand how it might make you feel.
My ectopic and tube removal was in March too and I, like you feel like I’ve been handling everything quote well recently. I’ve attended my sister in law’s baby shower, and met other friend’s new baby’s and managed pretty well. I think when we show how strong we’re being and carry on the best we can, people that haven’t experienced this think “oh, well they must be ok then” and then act in a way they shouldn’t. I wish you the best of luck for the future.
Big hugs xx
I too had my ectopic in March 2017. Three of my friends are now pregnant and all are due in Feb/March 2018. I feel so lost. All three of them are having their second child while I am still trying for my first. One friends pregnancies were both not planned and she keeps saying it.
We have been trying for longer than two of them but still no baby for us. My GP won’t refer us as we had a pregnancy in March and you need to be unsuccessfully trying for at least 12 months. I think an ectopic is unsuccessful…
But yer, what I wanted to say is that I feel the same, I am so jealous. However, one of my friends was really sensible to tell me before she told anybody else. The other one posted it on Facebook and the other one sent me a text saying she wouldn’t make it to our wedding due to having a newborn.
I don’t think some people realise that this sticks with you for so long. For me the hardest time is just before and during my period when I know it hasn’t happened again.
I hope we will all get our Rainbow Baby soon.
Thank you for your replies. The sensible part of me wants to just accept that she didn’t mean anything by it and just didn’t understand how I feel/that I’m still struggling with it, but the selfish bit of me just can’t understand how she could be so insensitive. Of course, I want to be happy for her, but I’m also just so envious that it happened so easily for her, first time. I almost feel she’s secretly raced me, as everyone else in our group of friends already has babies! All sorts of irrational thoughts go through your head! I’ve also fallen into the difficult position of just wanting to avoid the group, as the talk will all be about babies, when actually this is when I need my friends most 
It’s really tough. Just when you feel like you’re making progress, someone announces a pregnancy and it hits again. I know what you mean too, Aneken…same feeling every month when AF arrives.
Thanks again for the support. It’s just good to know I’m not the only one with the same struggles xx