I find myself crying even writing this post but I am just hurting so much and feel a lot of different emotions right now.
Unfortunately I experienced an ectopic pregnancy on my first pregnancy. I was discharged from hospital on the 30th of September following 2 doses of Methotrexate. I have been struggling a lot with it all since. Not allowed to conceive for 3 months and just a lot of fear about the future and uncertainty of conceiving again.
Fast forward to now, I had been taking steps forward, I’m back in work and felt I was getting better in the sense that it wasn’t my every thought of every day. Until this week I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach.
My husband received a phone call from his brother to tell us him and his girlfriend are expecting a baby and it is due around the same time I would have been due our baby, maybe 3-4 weeks in the difference.
It was unplanned and unexpected and from what I gather not really wanted as it was never in their plan to start a family.
I haven’t seen them since the news but I have heard she’s struggling to come to terms with them having a baby.
I feel so many emotions and feel incredibly guilty and selfish in having some of these emotions.
I feel utterly devastated, I feel angry, I feel jealous and resentment.
I feel in this day and age there are so many methods out there to prevent pregnancy and they have gone so long not getting pregnant, why now. Why so close to my loss and to be due the baby when I was due mine.
I find myself hysterically crying a lot. I can’t sleep, I’m struggling to eat. It just devastates me because I would do anything to be in their position. I want nothing more to become a Mum and that was taken away from me in such a traumatic way.
And now the thought of seeing her growing a bump, being around the family when it is going to be all the talk until it’s born. Hearing them set up their nursery and buying baby things. It honestly breaks my heart. And I know how selfish I sound but I really can’t help the way I feel. I am devastated beyond belief.
I’ve tried counselling and I just don’t think it’s for me.
I really don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to cope with it all.
I am terrified for the future and not knowing whether I’ll be able to conceive as quick as I did last time. Not knowing if I’ll have another ectopic again due to the higher risk terrifies me. And being so fearful that if it’s not an ectopic; what if it’s a miscarriage. All of these feelings just won’t stop or go away even for a second.
I really thought I was moving forward but this news has just totally destroyed me.
If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it so much.
I’m so sorry for your ectopic experience. I was recently in a similar situation, the arrival of my nephew (would have been 3 months age difference to my ectopic) completely floored me, I was coping okay before that.
If you need to step back from that side of the family for a bit everyone should understand that. There’s a page on this site about dealing with other people’s pregnancies, maybe you could send them that page and say that this is how you’re feeling.
You’re not selfish, you’re dealing with a very difficult event and uncertainty for your future. It’s also okay to be selfish and prioritise your wellbeing. I’ve found a grief app quite helpful (expensive but paid for by a work subscription) - worth considering if counselling isn’t working out.
I hope you find some peace in a very emotional situation x
Dear Penny,
I’m so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy loss.
We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It’s what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need.
If the down days start to outweigh the good, We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.
In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling.
Sending much love and gentle hugs,
Karen x
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