Feeling very down today. I apologise in advance for the essay. I had an ep just after Christmas (my first pregnancy) , left it the 3 months after methotrexate, and on our second month of trying again, was delighted to discover Wednesday last week that I was pregnant again. I had suspected I was pregnant for about a week as had thought I had implantation spotting, felt sick and had sore boobs. But still couldn’t believe it when I saw the positive test result. I couldn’t believe my luck, as it had taken us 7 months of trying to conceive my ep and I had expected a similar length of time this time. It just felt too good to be true, and in the end it was. Just 5 days after my positive test result I started spotting and straight away thought the worst. In the previous days I had tried not to get too excited and had really downplayed it to my DH and the few friends I had told, but deep down I felt positive. I had strong pregnancy symptoms and I just “felt” different to when I had an ep.
When I woke up with a bit of spotting I was so shocked I just went numb and into survival mode. I was straight on the phone to the EGU who said I couldn’t come in without a referral letter. I tried to explain my circumstances to the nurse on the end of the phone. My DH and I have just moved to Geneva for 6 months for his job. I was due to get on a plane in 2 days and was terrified it was all going wrong. In the end I started crying as I felt so stressed and she told me to go to the NHS walk-in centre connected to the hospital, so I didn’t have to bother with two journeys to my doctor’s surgery and then the EGU at the hospital. I phoned my sister to come with me as my DH had left for Geneva the day before and it was his first day in his new job. There was no way I was going to phone him and let him know what was going on, as new jobs are stressful enough. But I felt so alone.
When my sister and I got to the NHS walk in centre I got a bol£$@king from the receptionist as I “should have gone to my doctor”. My sister couldn’t believe how insensitive the receptionist was being. I tried to explain time was of the essence as I was moving to Geneva in two days time and had a history of eps but she didn’t give a sh@t basically as I had broken her protocol. It makes me so angry to think about it now.
When I got called in, the nurse was a bit nicer to me as she seemed to understand eps a bit better. She asked me if I was married and trying for a baby as I had got pregnant again so quickly after the first time. I am married, but it irritated me a bit, as her job is to treat people not to ask personal questions about their domestic life. But perhaps I was still riled after my encounter with the receptionist. She asked me to do a urine test and I got stage fright and couldn’t go for ages. Eventually I produced the goods and after testing it she said it was negative. I had tried to do another test myself that morning but the test hadn’t worked. My first reaction was relief, as I felt that if it was an ep I wouldn’t have got a negative result. She phoned the EGU and they said they wanted to do a blood test so she printed me out the precious referral letter.
When I got up there I felt really embarrassed to see the familiar faces of the doctor and nurses. I could tell they remembered me and I couldn’t really meet their eyes. When I spoke this really small voice came out. It was like I was ashamed that my body had let me down again. Even since then, I can’t really look at my body in the mirror. I feel so let down by it. The doctor there is really nice. Apparently I’ve got “thin veins” so they can never get blood out first time but eventually they got what they needed. It took ages to get the results back as they were understaffed but eventually the doctor came back and she told me my levels were already down to a pathetic 3. My word not hers. She called it an early pregnancy loss. I felt a mixture of emotions. Relief because she said she was 99 percent sure it wasn’t an ep but also sadness and anger. She has asked me to do another pregnancy test this coming Monday just to be on the safe side, but I am hoping and praying it is negative. If not, I am now in Switzerland and I will have to face the confusion of a different healthcare system and a foreign language. I have bled quite heavily so I am hoping it is not an ep. Nothing about it has felt like an ep but I guess I need to reserve judgment until I do the HPT on Monday.
I feel quite sorry for myself today. I am in a new city, my DH is at work, my friends are in another country, my broadband connection is patchy and I am amazed I’ve had access long enough to type this. I’ve got to venture out on my own later to the supermarket and I feel like I should really try to speak French rather than be a Brit abroad, shouting loudly at people in English. I feel angry that I am going through another loss, I am angry that this section of the forum even exists. No-one should have to go through another loss after an ep. I am fearing that my body really is incapable of having a normal pregnancy. I am back on the booze. Interestingly I gave up alcohol and cut down on caffeine about 6 weeks ago and got pregnant, so perhaps there is some truth to the research. DH and I can’t bring ourselves to try again this month. We are giving ourselves at least a month off, as I can’t go in to the anxiety of a 2 week wait after the week I’ve had. I am going to eat, drink and do what I like. We are both overwhelmed being in a new country and can’t put ourselves through any more stress at the moment. I am angry that these two babies have broken my heart. Why did they come to visit and stay for such a short time? I wish on both occasions I’d never got pregnant. 
) makes it easier for you ‘get it on’ (ahem) with DH then do it. But again, go easy on yourself - sex does become associated with stress and heartache so we have to ease ourselves back into enjoying it for the simple pleasure of being physically close to our other half.
xx