This is the first time I’ve posted on the website since I had my EP in 2004 while on progesterone only pill. My then boyfriend and now husband decided to wait until a more appropriate time in our lives to start a family as I was still at Uni etc and started trying in Oct this year. To my surprise and delight, I became pregnant the first month of trying but then had an early miscarriage. I had been looking on the website intermittently since we started to think about ttc, was pleased to see the start of this new forum which has appeared since our miscarriage and I have found it helpful to read the posts of others.
I have found the situation very stressful and have sought help from my GP as I have struggled to make sense of how I am feeling now. As well as the sense of sadness, unjustness and loss, I have become worried about having or transmitting HIV and/or hepatitis to others I care about. Even as I write this, I realise how bizarre, odd and crazy it must sound but it feels very real to me (although I can acknowledge the irrational nature of my fears). I have had thoughts as to why I may feel like this but all I want is to get back to my old self. I recognise from past experience that this isn’t an easy or quick process and I don’t think I’m quite the same person as I was before my EP so I don’t expect I will necessarily go back to my old self.
My GP has been a great source of support and I think she was worried I was depressed - so much so, I have been seen by a psychiatrist and have been given a diagnosis of adjustment disorder i.e. this is all due to the miscarriage and should get better with time. I feel quite alone and misunderstood (I can’t even understand) and although it’s a long shot, I just wondered if anyone else had suffered something similar? My GP thinks we should start trying again as she thinks that this may help but I am frightened of giving my husband HIV and/or hepatits although I have no true reason to believe that I may have HIV and/or hepatitis… My husband is very supportive and loving but is frustrated by my reaction as are my family. I’m at the stage in life that many of my friends are pregnant or have recently had children so I don’t it particularly easy to talk to them. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Hi tibkerbelle, i have recently had an early miscarriage 5 months after an ep. It was and still is a very emotional time and I’m hoping to ttc again after my next period which is due any day. I know that if I get pregnant again it won’t take the pain of my ep and mc away but I think it will help.
I too have had difficulty coping but i have just tried to push it aside and get on with things, not the best tactic I know. So it’s great that you have been to see you gp and that they are supportive 
In regards to worrying that you are passing on an sti to your husband, although like you say, this is very unlikely, to put your mind at rest I can’t understand why your doctors havent offered you any tests? You can go into any sexual health clinic and ask for a test I think? Perhaps if you do this it will mean you can move forward a little bit?
Best of luck and please let me know how you are getting on, dealing with a mc can be very sad and stressful so please be gentle with yourself
Xxxxx
I was really confused after my early miscarriage and had a hard time accepting it.
I had an irrational fear of losing control of the car when I was driving for ages after I miscarried, maybe it’s similar to that? It faded with time, although still happens occasionally. Although, it’s fairly easy and simple to sort out STI tests. Ask your GP, or if you don’t want it on your records, your nearest hospital should have a clinic (think they are called GUM clinics).
Thank you Rosalie and Sushigirl for you replies. I work in a healthcare environment and prior to my pregnancy, had a blood splash from a patient who does not have HIV and is unlikely to have hepatitis. I attended occupational health who reassured me re the blood splash (they did not feel it was an exposure) and I made it clear I was thinking of trying for pregnancy soon. They said there was no reason not to ttc and I accepted this at the time. I have not otherwise had any incidents where I have put myself at risk of HIV and or hepatitis anymore than the next person working in healthcare as I follow universal precautions like the hundreds and thousands of other people working in a healthcare environment. The fear I have of having or transmitting HIV and/or hepatits is irrational as I am aware of how and how not HIV and/or hepatitis are transmitted - even still, I worry about going into my handbag at home which I have to take onto the ward, I worry about taking bits of paper home that have been on the ward etc even though I know that I cannot possibly get HIV and/or hepatitis from this. I have done some reading up and although you both recommend testing, this is only likely to reassure me in the short term - the trouble is with my thinking and perception. This is why my GP has not suggested testing. I think I’m trying to protect myself and others around me and trying to control things to prevent bad things from happening. I am of the mindset that if you put effort into things you will be rewarded (it has generally worked well to date) and the miscarriage has gone against this thinking. I believe I did everything right (no alcohol after ttc, reduced alcohol intake few months prior to ttc, folic acid for months, 5 portions fruit and veg, avoiding the foods you should while pregnant, not cleaning out cat litter and I don’t smoke - everything!) and things still went wrong so perhaps my brain thinks that being extra careful will somehow make things be ok. My GP says this is a manifestation of my grief and stress and that it should fade with time. I feel I was managing the irrational fear of HIV and/or hepatitis and then in the last few days I started worrying about toxoplasmosis…
Sushigirl - I do think it rings bells with your fear about losing control of the car. Thank you for telling me about that as it gives me hope that things will get better. When do you notice that it recurs (if you don’t mind me asking)? Is it when you are stressed or worried? when was your mc? Rosalie - when was your mc? Thank you for your help and support.
Hey tinkerbelle, my mc was the beginning of December 
I was only 5 weeks so it was very early, it was only our first month properly trying since ep so it was pretty devastating.
I can totally understand what you mean about if you put the effort in you get the reward, I feel exactly the same. I’m healthy, go to the gym, don’t smoke, barely drink, take all my vitamins, am a healthy weight etc, I have no factors of ep and as far as I know no reason for mc just bad luck…very bad luck. It makes me so angry and makes me feel like ‘why do I bother?!’ when i try to be the best/kindest/etc I can and then life just throws it all back in your face…
After reading your post it rang a bell with me, I don’t work in healthcare but do work in an environment where I am exposed to possible blood Bourne infections and when I first started to ttc I felt very much Like you. Also when my neice was born I was so worried about transmitting something to her I would sanitise my jewellery ect before I saw her…weird I know. Well that did go away after a while…I think it just takes time. I’m glad you have managed to control it a bit over the last few days, that’s really great news. Are you ttc at the moment?
Xxx
Hi Rosalie. I’m trying to see the positives in the situation - like getting pregnant the first month of trying after having lost a tube. How was your ep managed? I am aware mc is so very common but agree that it is devastating when it happens to you esp after an ep. It must be bad luck and I keep thinking “third time lucky” and “surely luck will be on our side next time”.
I have felt very angry too - one of my best friends became pregnant second month trying and has had an uneventful pregnancy, delivered on her due date and has continuously worried (which I can understand) and complained about what I consider to be silly things like having to wait ages for her baby to arrive! This was the same phone call when I told her about our mc!
I don’t think it is weird that you cleaned your jewellery before seeing your neice - I used to wear my jewellery on the ward and have taken it all off apart from my wedding band as I am worried it has been contaminated… and I have not worn my jewellery for about a month now. On some days when I am feeling a bit better, I think about putting my jewellery back on but I have never done so. I managed to put away some of my paperwork from the ward yesterday and tried not to wash my hands even though I wanted to. I managed to do one or two things afterwards then had to wash my hands. But I’m hoping this is a start. I’ve managed to tell my friends about the mc but not my odd reaction.
Re ttc - this is a difficult one. I’m in 2 minds which probably suggests that we shouldn’t. Things that make me think we should are
it could takes ages for us to fall pregnant again so best to start trying asap
it may help me to move on by looking to the future
we want to have a family
Things that make me worried about ttc are
we might lose another pregnancy either through mc or, with more consequences, another ep - and how would I cope with that?
we might not achieve a pregnancy which I think will also worry me
what if I give my partner some horrible infectious disease because I’m infected?! and then I might give a baby something and I haven’t eaten as healthily as I should over the last 6 weeks so what if that has a bad effect on the baby?
I have a friend who has had 2 mc but she is not ttc at the moment. what she said to me was that you need to be strong enough to deal with whatever happens - good or bad. I worry that I am not strong enough yet to ttc. I felt that I was physically and mentally well prior to the mc and this is how I have reacted so what would happen if I had another pregnancy loss when I am in this state? I am monitoring my fertility but only by cervical mucus - my cycles are a bit irregular but I expect any day now I will become fertile and then we will have to make a decision! my GP says we should just enjoy each other and see what happens…! has your period arrived yet? after the mc, mine appeared after a 29 day cycle which is the shortest I’ve ever had but I read it can taken longer than normal too!
Hi, af showed up today, am having really bad period pains especially on my left where I had my tube out
I had emergency surgery to remove my left tube and the baby what did you have? Will write again later as I’m at wrk and in pain too!! Hope ur ok xxxx
Ps am deff going to ttc again right away…because I’m worried if things keep going wrong I want time on my side…
Xxxxx
Hi Rosalie, I’m sorry you are in terrible pain with af. At least you have had your period and can soon begin to ttc. I also had my left tube removed.
Hi, are u ttc ATM? Have you had a period since your mc? I see your on the ttc thread now even tho not everyone on there is actually ttc it’s a great thread everyone is lovely xxx
Hi, well I was in two minds about whether to think about ttc again but don’t feel ready to just yet - it’s quite difficult when you worry that you’re going to give your husband something infectious although when you put your rational head on, you know that it is extremely unlikely…! I had a period 29 days after my mc and I think I have ovulated in the last few days so I have missed my chance this month. But I want to use some time to eat properly, sleep well, feel ready to face what is to come - be that not achieving a pregnancy, having another mc, another ep or (fingers crossed) a baby to take care of. There seems to be a great spirit on the ttc thread and I will be keeping an eye on this forum, the ttc forum and the main board. has your pain settled? am I allowed to ask how old you are? I know it’s a bit cheeky but it’s just you said in an earlier post that you wanted time on your side for ttc. I’m 27
Hi,
Lovely to hear from you. I remember feeling like something was missing when I had my ep and I feel a huge sense of loss just now. My anxiety (because that is what it is) is still troublesome - it’s taken me a while to recognise it as anxiety as I sort of expected to feel more depressed than anxious. I have felt panicky a few times for no good reason and anxious - again for no particular reason. I don’t think I mentionned in a previous thread (but apologies if I am repeating myself) but I started to think that it is extremely unlikely that I have HIV or hepatitis and then started worrying about toxoplasmosis… And now I recognise that it is ANXIETY that I have not HIV or hepatitis or toxoplasmosis or any of the other weird things that my head was worrying about. I now have to manage my anxiety which is easier said than done. We’re off on holiday tomorrow which I think will do us good - unfortunately I think I will have a period when we are away!
I have made a firm decision not to ttc yet which my psychiatrist says is pleasing to hear because it suggests good judgement of the situation - although once my fertile time had passed, I felt a little regretful at having missed an opportunity although I now believe it was totally the right decision. I feel more in control of the situation and will trust my mind and body to know when it is right to ttc again (although I am still taking my folic acid and keeping a close eye on my cycle!). ttc will always be frought with different emotions for people like ourselves - some excitement and hope, much fear and worry. Are you able to share how you are feeling with your partner?
Hi, I’m glad you have made the decision and feel happy with it hopefully things will settle a bit for you now. I think the indecision and the not knowing about this whole thing can really take it’s toll on us! Both during ep and after. My oh kinda knows how I feel but i guess just not the extent of it if you know what I mean? He is really keen to have a baby…has been for years, I’m the one who has put it off, and since my ep and then mc I just feel like nothing else will make me feel better to top it off everyone else in the world seems to be pregnant!!! Everyone everyone everyone but not me oh well maybe this month…ha!
Xxxx
Oh where are you going on holiday? Hope you have a lovely lovely time and glad that you recognised that it’s anxiety as you can try and manage it a bit now too although by recognising it I think that’s already a big step in the right direction! have a lovely holiday, you deserve it! Xxxxxxx
I’m hoping this year will be a good year for me. My period has stopped it was painful but hey ho, I’m on cd 11 now and although I usually ov about cd 17 I’ve stated doing opks because I don’t want to miss it. I know how you feel about needing to be strong…I feel the same. But I’m also so worried that something else might go wrong that I just want to ‘get it over and done with’ if u understand? I am also desperate for a baby!!! Argh!! I wanted one before ep but we weren’t ‘seriously’ ttc, since ep I feel like something is missing