Trying to conceive after ectopic

Preparing For Your Next Pregnancy
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I had an ectopic in July and had to have one of my Fallopian tubes removed. It was the first time we had conceived and were so over the moon to be pregnant that it was a huge shock when i had to go into surgery suddenly and very traumatic. We had to wait 3 months to start trying to conceive and now that we are I feel there is so much pressure every month and I’m just counting down the days and praying I don’t get my period. When I do get my period I just break down in tears and feel very depressed.

I am also finding it very hard because my sister who has always been my closest friend is pregnant now and is due the week that I would have been due. When I had told her I was pregnant when I found out in July she said some very hurtful things and ignored me for days, because at that moment in time she’d been trying for some time to get pregnant herself and she couldn’t bare the thought of her younger sister being pregnant first.

I can’t speak to any of my friends about how hurt I am about my sisters behaviour, or to her. I’m just trying to move on as if nothings happened because I don’t have a choice if I still want to have a relationship with her. But when we go out with friends it hurts more because she is talking about her pregnancy and no one knows about my loss or about how she behaved. I don’t know how to get over this. I think I can only be happy again if I have a successful pregnancy but I don’t know how long that will take and that just puts more pressure on us.

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Hi Anastasia.

Thank you for your reply and I’m so sorry about your loss.

My sister was struggling to get pregnant for over 2 years and eventually decided to go for an IVF.

First 2 times failed, the 3rd time she wasn’t ovulating and the final time she decided to use 2 eggs and now pregnant with twins.

Throughout the process I mentioned to her that we are trying to conceive too and she freaked out, worried if I get pregnant before her that would be devastating for her and even more depressing.

She is my older sister and 35 years old.

It might be similar what you have gone through as it was little selfish of her and it hurt my feelings a bit. I still have compassion and trying to see it from her angle how hard it was for her so I sort of understand.

On the other hand there always has to be a wiser sister who would let it go and be the bigger person.

Now that I lost my baby she feels really sorry for me…and I’m excited for her and cannot wait for the babies to arrive. She lives in different country so it’s easier to bear but we are there for each other and I’m trying to take it that my time is coming soon anyway so I’m putting my feelings aside and being happy for her.

At the end of the day we are family, sisters always argue and disagree, but we love each other and are always there for one another…there are babies coming and you wouldn’t want to miss time and love. You play an important part in the family and her life. Soon you both will have babies and you dont want to stay apart for something like this and continue building a bridge between you two.

I would definitely talk to her and let her know about your feelings and that it hurts…ask her to be a little considerate as other people aren’t aware of your loss…

Once your miracle baby is on the way this will be behind you. I wish you all the best and hope it works out with your sister.

P.S. my sister is also due in March and I’m hoping to be pregnant by The time she gives birth. Wish the same for you Anastasia. Good luck xx

Valerie

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Dear anastasia,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss. You have been through a huge amount in such a short space of time and it is very normal to feel overwhelmed. From your words, I can imagine how frightening the experience must have been and I am sorry you have had to go though this.

We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It’s what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful, please do be gentle with yourself.

Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and we will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling.

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

These boards are also a safe space to share, ask questions, or to vent. They are filled with people who have been through similar experiences and journeys, and we are here for you for as long as you need.

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

The latest EPT newsletter is out now! You can take a look at the Winter edition and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

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Hi Anastasia,

I am in a similar situation. I had an ectopic in april and a week previously my sister had had a miscarriage. We are both desperate to get pregnant again but all I can think about is that she will get pregnant really quickly and easily whilst it is going to be difficult for me. We have been trying for two months now and I feel such a sense of desperation. I just don’t want to feel awful when my sister tells me she is pregnant again. I want to be happy for her! I think the main thing is to just be open with your sister, that is what I have vowed to do with my sister. If you feel shit one day and don’t want to speak to her for a bit, then just tell her. Hopefully she will understand. Communication is key and I hope it will help me and my sister through the next year or so because we are best friends. It’s so tough.

Becci