I don’t know why I am choosing to write this now. I have been on this forum since January! But here goes…
I am 32 and have been married for three years. DH and I have been actively trying for a baby since June 2010. We had been using the natural method since April 2010 but were avoiding getting pregnant until after we went on a sailing holiday in June. Sailing is not the best environment for a pregnant lady! My mum had two miscarriages before she had me, and my mother in law also had two miscarriages. One of hers was at 14 weeks 
So I guess I have never taken getting pregnant for granted. I love all those people who can talk confidently about “when” they get pregnant. For me it has always been a case of “if” I get pregnant.
As soon as we started trying for a baby the stress kicked in. I began to spot in the middle of my cycle for up to 7 days. This went on until September when I went to the doctor who was quite concerned I might have cervical cancer and sent me for a smear test. I had been off the pill since April 2009 so she knew this could not be the reason for the spotting. The smear test came back clear and then she decided to send me for the first tier of fertility testing. Anyone who has been through this knows it is invasive and stressful, and the whole time I was worried about what they would uncover. Well, the answer was nothing! And DH had his swimmers tested and that test came back fine as well.
Then on Christmas day 2010 I took a pregnancy test because I was on day 30 of my cycle and I had been spotting a bit but I had no proper period which was very unlike me. It normally came on day 27! I was absolutely delighted when I got a BFP and could not believe what a brilliant Christmas present I had been given. My delight was short lived because just before new years eve I started spotting again and was sent to the EGU at my local hospital. The first time I attended she took my bloods and said that although they weren’t too high, she wasn’t worried. She did a scan and said that my womb lining looked great and she sent me away with a bit of hope. New year’s eve was spent lying on the sofa trying to rest as much as possible. I attended hospital a few days later and that time she confirmed it was a “failing pregnancy”. She said it would most likely pass naturally in the next few days. That weekend I bled quite heavily like a period for about 4 days and assumed that I had miscarried. I was devastated but had seen the posters for ectopic pregnancy on the wall of the EGU and just felt relieved it wasn’t an ep. How wrong I was! When I attended hospital again I expected to be discharged, but this time they said my bloods had risen sharply and after doing another scan they confirmed it was an ectopic pregnancy in the right tube. I was on my own crying in the cubicle and all the nurse could say when she found me was “Don’t worry”. Not helpful! I was told I would need to take methotrexate, and the biggest blow, I would not be able to try for another baby for three months. I don’t think I have ever felt so depressed in my life. It had been a tough year, what with a number of family dramas, illnesses and losses and I was already emotionally at the end of my tether. The only thing that kept me going was the counselling I was already in before the ep, and this forum. I can’t thank everyone enough for helping me pull through. I will forever be grateful to all of you.
After I was discharged from hospital a month later, time dragged on but then when it came time to try again, all the anger came up about the loss and it all felt very raw again. I thought I’d cried all my tears and ranted all my thoughts but there was more! On our second month of trying I conceived again and could not believe my luck. I had conceived after 7 months of ttc the first time and had not expected it so soon at all. Again my elation was short lived. Four days after I got my BFP I started spotting and after attending EGU it was confirmed that it was an early miscarriage. I was relieved it wasn’t another ep and because it was early days it was a lot easier to deal with. I bled for 6 days and that was the end of it. DH and I have taken a month off trying. I have enjoyed getting off the ttc hamster wheel for a while, and have again experienced a lot of anger and sadness but not on the same scale as the ep.
I am waiting for my period before we start trying again but I have absolutely no idea what is going on with my cycle. I use a fertility monitor and I don’t appear to have ovulated this month, which I understand is common after a pregnancy loss. At the moment I just feel so scared of experiencing another loss. I can’t really feel much hope. I’d like to, but maybe that will come. We are living in Geneva for 6 months and my DH, and several family and friends have said they hope I return to England pregnant. I just want to return to England not having experienced another loss! Thanks for reading xxx